Warning: Downer

I was looking through all the pictures from our vacation to put up on The Goon Squad’s website, and I noticed something odd. This is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I am shockingly absent from the pictures of my family. I know I should not be surprised, or upset, because I take most of the pictures, but it just appears as if I’m not there.

Here’s the morbid part. I keep thinking that if I died tomorrow, my kids would think I wasn’t involved, or that I never held them, or they wouldn’t be able to remember me the way I was when they were little. I guess if you looked at it objectively, they would understand that I was there, I was just taking the pictures.

I remember when we started getting doubles of all the pictures that were taken in the first week or two of the squad’s life. There were no pictures of me – or Gabe. We had pictures of the twins with grandparents, Aunts, friends, nurses… at the time I remember that there was one picture of me, and I looked so bad that I was half relieved that there weren’t more. But I was also sort of sad. You always see pictures of mothers holding their newborns and looking tired. I know I had extenuating circumstances… right after my c-section I spent several hours receiving a blood transfusion and my kids were in the NICU for a week, so it’s not like the whole family was hanging out in my hospital room taking photographs.

They could always look at my old photo albums, filled with pictures of me when I was in college. My college roommate Tammy took even more pictures than I do. I also have tons of pictures from high school when I would just hand people the camera and say “Here, take a picture of me”.

When my Uncle started using digital cameras, he began taking other pictures of himself and cutting himself out and adding himself to pictures he took of the family. At first I thought it was silly, but now I realize why he does it.

I found this one. Our friend Mark took this one. It’s a little blurry, and Ian looks a little goofy, but it shows I was present.

I’m sure that I’m being over sensitive about this whole thing, but that is what a blog is for, right?

Maybe subconsciously I stay away from the camera with my post-twin bearing body. Maybe I’m too busy holding one twin out of the way while we take a picture of the other twin.

Maybe it is all part of the anonymity of motherhood.

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  1. Before I posted this, I sent it to a couple of friends to see if it was too depressing to post on my blog. Two other Moms both said they felt the same way and started making their family member take pictures of them already.

    It makes me feel better just to know that I’m not crazy. Or if I am, my friends are crazy too.

  2. Sarah – I feel terrible. From now on, I will try to take more pictures so you can be in more of them. One of the reasons I have not been taking pictures is that I can’t see what I am shooting with the digital camera unless I get my reading glasses. I may have to go back to my 35mm. I remember the days when I was the main picture taker for our family and I discovered the same thing – the few pictures that had me in them were taken by people outside the family. I vow to not let this happen again.

  3. I’m just as crazy…but my current concern is that if I die Hala will starve to death and Jack will forget me entirely before he’s 3.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Hi Sarah, First let me tell you that I LOVE hearing about your twins from Gabe. Gabe shared the vacation pictures online with me. I thought they were adorable as usual. Then I said: Where was Sarah? That is why Gabe gave me the link to this website. I know EXACTLY what you mean, though you realized way earlier than I have. One day,when my son was 3 and was looking at his photo album he asked me: But mommy where were you? It crushed me !!!! And ever since I make an extra effort (which usually means actually putting the camera in my husband’s hands and say take a picture of me and the boys)to have my picture taken with the kids. Like you say, I want them to know I was and still am around. I also try to get a family picture of the 4 of us everywhere we go.
    Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone and now that you are aware of the problem. Try to correct it.
    Keep up the good work. Your children are amazing.

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  1. […] post. It turns out I don’t have ANY recent photographs of me and my daughter together. I guess not much had changed in 3 1/2 years. Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @ 1:55 pm • Parenting    addthis_pub = ‘goonsquad’; […]