These are honest to God excerpts from e-mail I’ve gotten from my real friends in the last week:
I accidentally took a vicoden last night, I thought that it was my zantac.
No, but there’s a suspicious stain on our carpet that looks like Jesus.
I’ll sell that to you cheap.
One time I found the big toy bucket on top of my son’s bed, with him curled up asleep inside it.
Allegedly our home was previously owned by an adult film producer and films were made at our house.
The NFL won’t let me be the Lazy Bastards. They think that it contains inappropriate language.
This one woman, married with 2 kids was complaining about her marriage. Her husband was there. Anyway, she’s comes over to us, and starts saying how guys lose their minds once they see a pair of boobies. I told her, its not always true…just then proceeds, with her husband Right there..to take my face and put it between her boobs and shake them around… This happened a few times…
Bill…what? New leaf? Did the Browns stop sucking?
I’m like, yeah? Well, excuse me. The last of my brain dripped out of my ears 30 minutes AFTER you were supposed to be home. With no brain, the demons go into overdrive. It’s not my fault. It’s theirs. Call an exorcist.
Yes. He’s trying to get him some Wang Dang sweet Poontang…and most chicks don’t fall for the guy that is the drunkest one in the bar.
OH..I forgot one point. On the way out of the show.. Bill fell down a Whole Flight of stairs..and [lost] his phone. But, another than that..remained in total control.
I swear these are just from e-mails I’ve gotten in the past two days! I’ve got to do this more often.