An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

Dear Everybody,

For the love of God, can everyone please stop giving Ian juice?

My kids drink water and milk. If your kids drink juice I am 100% okay with that. My son, however, has issues with fruit. He will eat grapes until his stomach explodes. I have good information that leads me to believe he ate a bazillion grapes last night and then drank two glasses of orange/pineapple juice this morning (his Grandmother told me).

It’s not even that I care if he drinks some juice. It is just that well, too much fruit does terrible things to Ian’s digestive system. I know. I change his diapers.

In short, if you are still compelled to give the boy juice, or if you cannot accept the fact that he already eats too much fruit, please buy some Balmex for him because now he really needs it. Oh, and more diapers. Please bring more diapers.

Yours truly,


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  1. You’ll be wanting some antifungal cream as well, as fruit can give some CRAZY diaper rash with a sort of fungal infection.
    Shall I bring it tonight?

  2. I am glad that I am not the only parent who doesn’t do juice.
    You can have juice in restaurants……at home it’s water baby. And Milk.

  3. Ahhh, juice. I remember you from such movies as “five poops a day” and “little guy’s runs.” Get some of that stuff to lumpyhead quick.

  4. Your timing could not be better, Sarah. My folks took my daughter for the afternoon today. Apparently, they’ve taken to showing their love by purchasing inordinate amounts of juice for their lovely granddaughter. Needless to say, her stomach is killing her and I just changed one of the messiest diapers I’ve ever seen. Yikes!

  5. If Grandma, and others, don’t *get* the juice restriction, go water the juice down. Sneak into their fridge and do it. Go ahead…I’ll wait.

    Of course, you can let Ian know when he gets to be 21 he can add vodka to his juice. ; )

  6. Michelle says:

    If they insist on giving the boy juice have them do 1/4 juice to 3/4 water. That is the standard in our household. Call it poor man’s juice.

  7. If anyone actaully asked me before feeding him the sugar citrus water, I could tell them any of these things. They all just assume it is okay.

  8. What about Claudia, can she have juice??

    If I banned juice from this house Eric would not drink. He will not drink milk.

  9. Our son gets the 1/4 juice 3/4 water combo. No more than two cups in the morning and two after lunch. Water & milk at all other times.

    But grandma and grandpa don’t get it. So when they give him full strenght, they are left with the spaztic mess that is our son.

    (Oh, and Desitin, full strength, rocks for diaper rash!)

  10. Hey, I was with you when I bought him juice and you didn’t say anything, but now I feel totally guilty.

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