Sometimes I Wish I Was Making This Stuff Up

Ian True Story From 9/15/06 #1: TMI

I try to be very open and honest with my children. We shower together and they often come into the bathroom while I am using the facilities. This morning, Ian was in the bathroom with me and he said “Mommy, are you putting that tampon on your penis?”

I said “No, I don’t have a penis. I am a girl. Girls have vaginas.”

I wanted to explain more, but: a) He couldn’t possibly care or b) understand and c) how much information does a two year old boy need about tampons and d) what would he do with that information if he had it?

I decided to leave it at that.

Ian True Story From 9/15/06 #2: Why do I have to say these things?

This morning (after the bathroom incident) we went to Target. Both kids were in the cart and as I shopped I would let them play with some of the things we were buying. I actually had to say “Please don’t hit Mommy with the toilet brush again.”

I’m not making this up. You can ask Devra. She was there and witnessed the whole thing.

Ian True Story From 9/15/06 #3: Even less appropriate than the last two stories.

We were trying to pick up anything in the living room that could be harmful to little(er) kids because Lumpyhead is coming over to hang out while his parents go to get an ultrasound today. I was encouraging Ian to put away all of his tools (I told you he threw a hammer at Lumpyhead the last time he was here, right?) and he starts poking me in the back with his screwdriver.

(Do you see where this is going yet?)

I said “Ian, what are you doing?”

And he said (I swear he said this)

“I’m screwing Mommy”.


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  1. FIRST!

    teah, Mags and her little friends were playing with straws and she said “Eric, blow me now”. She has also asked if she can “blow” Eric’s brother. Blow, meaning to raspberry or zerbert.

    Child that I am, I bust a gut laughing every time she uses a word that could be the slightest bit dirty.

  2. I… can’t… stop… laughing… …

    Ow, my side hurts….

    This could very-well go down as one of the best bits I’ve read in a LONG time…

  3. And I have to ask; have you been reading Ian the story of Oedipus??

  4. Note to self….avoid naked feminine hygiene discussions, toilet bowl brushes and hand tools.

    I am learning so much.

  5. dang that is crazy for sure–I am still laughing

  6. Hahahhahahhahah. You need to get yourself a videocamera and recod this stuff. It’s priceless!! I especially like the last one. I couldn’t come up with something that funny even if I tried to. How do you stop yourself from falling down laughing hysterically….?

    Nice weekend


  7. Yeah. And it really only gets worse

  8. Can’t……….Stop………Laughing………..tears

  9. Kids say the darndest things. At least that’s what The Cos says.

  10. I’ve already had to explain periods, I don’t think I’m ready for explaining where the tampon goes. I have my own bathroom so they don’t see them in the trash.

    I wish I could go to Target with you and Devra. Take a picture next time, ‘kay?

  11. Ian True Story From 9/15/06 #4: Ratting Out Mommy

    Ian: Mommy raced Mickey Mouse.
    Me: ???? [Thinking: Did she win?]

    Sarah erased an episode of the Mickey Mouse Club on the Tivo, and Ian is apparently so scarred by this he’s telling random houseguests about it.

  12. Things I said to Ian in Target:

    “Ian, when we are done with your mom’s list, then you can cry.”

    “Your mom is not a toilet.”

    “You are ‘up’, you are riding in the cart and elevated from the ground. That counts as ‘up'” met with look of confusion.

    And one Sarah quote “I think I am going to start using pullups.” to which I responded “I think they might be small on you. Are you sure you just can’t use Depends like other people?”

    I wish I could remember more, but it took a while for my coffee to kick in and my memory is a bit foggy prior to that.

  13. Louis used to spend a LOT of time wondering what happened to my penis. He once walked in on my in the bathroom, and then came back and said “when you are done shaving your vagina can I have some juice?”

  14. Ok,” I’m screwing Mommy beats” “beaver dam” anyday…
    I choked on diet coke..lolol

  15. He’s a pistol. Do you think boys are easier or harder than girls?

  16. Yeah, I have to draw the line when I reach the point in my head where I realize my giving the child more graphic information may not have any added value at this stage in his life. Of course, by that point, I’ve already provided lots of ammunition for him. Sigh.

  17. “I am screwing mommy.”

    I have been using that one for years. When I was in college I kept a screw driver near my bed and would pull that same prank. The weird thing is that when you are 19 it doesn’t come across as endearing it is more… what was the word she used? “SCARY!”

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