My Hero

There is this other mom in The Goon Squad’s preschool class (you know what I mean. Her kid is in their class). She is beautiful. She is always well dressed and fully made up. Until a couple of days ago she was really really pregnant.

When I first met her I was thinking you’ve got to be kidding me. Who looks this good when they are hugely pregnant and has a two year old. Who has time to do their toenails and hair and makeup when they are 35 weeks pregnant? All of her maternity outfits were cute and they all matched. She was probably a cheerleader in high school. She seemed nice enough but I thought I would end up hating her.

It turns out she is great. She is really friendly and nice and funny and very laid back. I like her a lot, even though I would put down good money that she weighed less than I do now at 40 weeks pregnant.

So last Wednesday we are dropping the kids off at school and she says (very nonchalantly) “Yeah, I’m having contractions. They are about eight minutes apart.”

Another mom and I start freaking out. “OH MY GOD! HAVE YOU CALLED THE DOCTOR? GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW!” etc.

She says “No. I’ll call if they get closer together.”

The rest of us begin to make plans on what to do with her kid because clearly she won’t be around to pick him up in three hours.

Three Hours Later

We are all picking the kids up. In walks this woman who is in labor. “Hi.”

“Did you call the doctor?”

“No I went shopping. The contractions are still eight minutes apart.”

“How can you remain so calm?”

“I don’t know.”

Five Days Later

I walk into preschool. I am disheveled. I am carrying a screaming girl. It is raining and I don’t even know where the raincoats I bought for the kids are. I see the formerly pregnant Mom standing in the classroom looking gorgeous.

“So?” I say.

“It a girl.” she says “I had her on Friday.” And she gestures at this perfect little angel in some sort of Laura Ashley outfit with a matching hat. This baby is not crying. She is sleeping peacefully.
The other mothers and I are all stunned. I say “At this point I was still in the hospital. You look great.” All the other moms agree and we laugh about what wrecks we were and someone else says “My daughter is two and a half and I’m still not right.”

How can she be so together? I’m pretty sure that this woman is younger than me. Is it wrong that I want to be like her when I grow up?

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  1. Ah, people like that…I have a love-hate relationship with them. But that’s because I suck. Argh.

  2. I’m sorry, but that is just… wrong. I was a mess for months. Of course, it might have been the fact that my son didn’t stop crying for months, thus cementing his only-childness. 😉

  3. No way. Does she come from Stepford? Lol.

  4. OK…I say drugs. Or she’s one of those weirdos who didn’t actually have a baby but kidnapped someone else’s after faking her pregnancy? No? Well that’s what I’m going to believe.

  5. I live in a city of those bitches. A WHOLE CITY.

  6. It’s the youth, I tell you. Out here in Utah, people my age are mostly about to become grandmothers, and the 20-ish youthful sprites with their 3, 4, or 5 kids at the playground make me feel frumpy and old, what with their neatly pressed pants, cute hair and perfect makeup.

    Plus, labor or not, if you had someone who would take your 2.5 year-old while you spend time with your newborn, wouldn’t you do (almost) whatever it took to avail yourself of it?

  7. Clearly she’s not human. If she is, then I’m going with Kelly and saying drugs.

    I was trying to imagine this woman from your description, and my mind can’t even wrap itself around the idea of looking perfect 5 days after giving birth.

  8. Take comfort in knowing the following:

    a) she probably has fat, raging hemorroids;
    b) she has cankles;
    c) she beats her husband because he is a high-powered corporate type who likes to come home to Ms. Dominatrix. He wears a diaper and likes it.

    Either that or she’s a robot. Trust me, she is exhausted from the show she is putting on. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

  9. Is it wrong that I hate her with every fiber of my being?
    Is it wrong that I want to gouge her eyeballs out with a dull butter knife and feed them to her?…

    Is it so friggin’ wrong that I totally agree with Karen and pray she is 100% on the money? Is it wrong that I may even give my right eye for Karen to be right?

    Ok, I’ll stop, I don’t even have PMS or anything…

  10. Some of us just handle pregnancy better than others.

    Who am I kidding? It took over a year for that weird vertical line on my belly to go away. And don’t forget about the joy we call twin skin.

  11. No, it’s not wrong. Hell, I wanna be like her, too….but I’m afraid it’s too late for me! :(

  12. I have a few friends like that. Karen’s right – it’s all smoke & mirrors.

    One of my friends jokes that together we’d make a normal person. She looks totally together – gorgeous clothes (even when shopping with a 2 day old and her older kids), gorgeous hair, clean house, etc. But she cannot follow through with anything, and constantly overcommits and underdoes. I look totally useless right out of What Not to Wear, and my house is a mess, but about 90% of the time I get everything done.

    I still want to be my friend when I grow up, though. For all her faults, she’s an amazing mom with a good sense of herself.

  13. I’m thinking she is a mirage.

  14. wow. impressive. maybe she’ll go nuts with the newborn AND the 2year old?

  15. I vote for the youth theory. I work with a bunch of hot young girls that like to pop out babies for any guy that will buy them a drink. They are all made of elastic. They walk in with their newborns like they just strutted down the runway. That pisses my wife off more than the fact that I work with a bunch of hot young girls.

  16. The morning I was discharged from the hospital after delivering Petunia, I (and all the other new moms being discharged) had to attend a “baby basics” class on caring for the baby, bathing it, etc. (It was GWU Hospital and I think they had a lot of unprepared, young mothers.) I said to my husband, “Surely I can go in my hospital gown, right? I mean, who could possibly put on real clothes at this point?” And of course not only was I the only one in a hospital gown, but there were women there with MAKEUP on. I came back to my room and cried afterward.

  17. I feel that way about other Dads too. The ones that are always strike the perfect balance of assertive and sensistive, managing to completely keep it together, dress cool, dress their kids cool, etc.

    I feel like a flailing nutcase half the time, and people constantly tell me how impressed they are that i’m “so together”.

    I’m with the other commentors, it’s a mirage. Everyone with kids is at least a little bit crazy.

  18. Back away slowly from the FreakyMom. She has obviously made a deal with the devil (and not the fun one you and I worship, the bad kind of devil) and is not to be trusted.

  19. Maybe she just has a great support system (like an in home stylist)?

  20. Omg. Day five I was just home from the hospital. In fact, I called for my husband screaming and crying becuase I couldn’t stand up from the toilet after peeing. (Yay emergency c-section!!)

  21. Not human and has nannies and housekeepers…gotta.

    That is just not right.
    I mean we didn’t even bathe this morning to get Adam to pre school!!!

  22. Man that so reminds me of my perfect friend….perfect house, perfect life, never a hair out of place, kids on honor roll and it’s a giant Martha Stewart Laura Ashley orgy every day….until we all found out that she is a raging alcoholic and that there was all this crazy shit going on when no one else was around.
    I would certainly never WISH that on anyone, but I am always wary of anything that looks too perfect.

  23. Maybe you are on drugs and imagined the whole thing?? I think that is the more realistic answer. Because people like that don’t really exist do they? I mean I see them out and about, but they don’t REALLY exist….. do they??

  24. I had a friend who went into labor with her third child the day before Christmas. She quietly ignored her labor pains and didn’t tell anyone for TWO WHOLE DAYS! Because, as she put it, “I’m not ruining Christmas, I knew the labor would last forever.” She finally went in for a C-section on Dec. 26th.

    Crazy, I tell ya.

  25. I’m with Lumpyheadsmom. I think she is Satan.

  26. So you’re telling me this isn’t normal for when I get pregnant? Damn.

  27. I think she is my hero, too. Although I also went shopping during labor, I was a total mess afterwards (for, um, about 12 months afterwards). LOL

  28. yes but does she have a blog, I ask you?

  29. Perhaps she takes good care of herself in other ways. Stuff you don’t see, like eating well and exercising a lot. It makes huge difference in recovery time if you were a fat slob eating nothing but pizza, burgers, and donuts while not working out compared to regular training and eating healthy. The difference is beyond HUGE.

    Having said that I think it’s ridiculous to expect to be the same a few days, or even months, after having given birth. It’s an unhealthy obsession and I understand you hate for her:-))

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  30. I can understand why the woman was still up and around with contractions at 8 minutes apart. A friend of mine just had a baby after having contractions (about 10 minutes apart) on and off for almost THREE WEEKS.

    The rest of that stuff about the nails and the being up and around and perfect a few days after giving birth, I don’t really get. Of course, I have never been that perfect ever, so that whole thing is kind of a mystery to me.

    (oh, and – if marketers are sending you free things, no surprise you are also getting bitacle-bitten.)

  31. she’s on drugs.
    damn her.
    I wonder where I can get some….14 months after twins and stil not right.

  32. Damn. I would have milked the post pregnancy for at least a week.

  33. I have a friend like that. She actually was beautiful DURING labour, which is just wrong. The worst part is, you can’t hate her (I tried) because she is just a wonderful person. AUGH! Fortunately people like this are rare. THe rest of us are still trying to lose the twin tummy when our twins are, oh, 9 1/2 now. Yep.

  34. Dude, you are a bigger person than I am. I hate the bitch and I don’t even know her.

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