This morning in the shower as I was teaching Ian to properly wash his armpits (well, somebody has to teach kids these things) I actually used the phrase “and wave ‘em like you just don’t care”.
It is very possible that I am the least cool person who ever lived.
Look for me starting this weekend as I start my new job over at Strollerderby.
I’ll be posting over there as soon as I learn how to insert pictures into my posts.
So it might be a while. I’m no computer scientist. Go over there anyway. It’s a cool place.
Claudia has started blaming her farts on Ian.
Even when he isn’t in the room.
I wonder if my Dad taught her that?
Check out my new favorite bumper sticker. I stole this from The Zero Boss. 
In my quest for all things free, I got a Carpet Swiffer
I also got this mp3 player
Ahem.
Also, go check out Indie Bloggers. It is a place where bloggers can showcase their writing even if it doesn’t fit into any neat little categories. It’s pretty cool.
I was serious earlier. If you are raptured can I have all of your cars?
Does it make me a dork if I really want a subscription to Wine Spectator?
I’m reading a Tom Robbins book. For any of you that have read anything by Robbins you may have noticed that his work is somewhat odd. You would never call him a realist. In fact, in the book I am reading now one of the main characters is a dirty sock.
My real life is much more mundane. Sort of. For example, this morning I was cutting the Sheriff’s toenails (the Sheriff being Ian in sweatpants and a cowboy vest with a shiny star pinned onto it) and (and I swear that this is 100% true) one of his toenails shot straight into my eye.
I honestly never even thought that was possible. It hurt so bad that from now on I am seriously considering wearing safety goggles when I give The Goon Squad their pedicures from now on.
Well, maybe it isn’t stranger than an animated dirty sock, but whatever.
Have yourself a merry (little) Christmas.
It’s been a while since I’ve been this excited on Christmas Eve, but I’m pretty sure that this year the kids “get it”.
Now, I am going to drink some (more) eggnog.
By now you all know that my donut and mimosa playdate with Corinne and Beth was cancelled due to various maladies. Thankfully, Claudia does not have bronchitis. She just has a really mean upper respiratory thing that makes her cough like she’s been smoking for years.
It also makes her mean like she just quit smoking. But that is neither here nor there. Do you want to know what we ended up doing this morning instead of eating and drinking and making merry?
I’ll tell you, but first you need some back story. Are you at all familiar with this hat?
This is a picture of Ian on the playground in his “cowboy” hat. (Don’t ask. He has always considered this a cowboy hat.) Ian has worn this hat and his cowboy boots pretty much everywhere ever since Halloween. Yes, the grocery store, the playground, school, the pediatrician, everywhere.
On Tuesday he wore the hat to school.
On Tuesday he left his hat at school.
This was bad news, but not the worst thing that had ever happened. They have school on Wednesdays too, so I figured we would just pick it up the next day.
On Wednesday morning Claudia had a fever. Our preschool has very specific rules. If a child has a fever they may not attend school until the fever has been gone for 24 hours. (This is also true for vomiting, which would explain why Ian went to about three days of school in December.) We decided to keep both kids home that day, not a big deal except, wait - the hat.
Oh, and it gets worse. Today is the last day of school until January 2nd.
So this morning I load up two kids, one sick and one traumatized by the loss of his hat, into the minivan and head off to the preschool.
Then it starts to rain.
Did I mention that my kids have a Tuesday/Wednesday class and another class of two year olds uses the classroom on Thursdays and Fridays?
I can’t leave the kids out in the car so I get everyone out of their carseats and drag them through the rain into the school. Claudia starts to cry and freak out because she doesn’t want to go to school. I explain (for the 12th time today) that we are going to school for a regular school day, we are just going to get Ian’s hat.
We go to their classroom where 10 two year olds are going crazy. We’re looking through the window and I don’t see the hat anywhere. I finally wave down one of the teachers and explain to her what is going on. She hasn’t seen the hat, but she tells me that there is a lost and found upstairs in the library.
I highly doubt that this hat would end up in the lost and found. Anyone who has seen Ian around the school knows exactly who this ridiculous hat belongs to, but I drag both kids up the stairs (which takes about 10 minutes) and go into the library. Of course, the hat is not there but I still figure it will be good to have this information for later. I decide to go back downstairs and see if maybe one of The Goon Squad’s teachers left the hat in the little room behind their classroom.
We start the long trek back downstairs. This is a trip that would take you about 30 seconds, but with these two it takes forever.
On our way down the stairs we run into the director of the school. I really like this lady, but for some unknown reason Claudia is terrified of her. Every single time this woman comes near my child Claudia bursts into tears. It is so bad that Mrs. B tries to avoid the two year old class on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
Mrs. B says hi. Claudia completely loses her shit. She is sobbing and she has her head buried in my neck and hair, and have I mentioned that Claudia has so much mucous coming out of her that I took her to the doctor yesterday? (Gross. I need another shower.) The good news is that Mrs. B (who knows exactly which hat I am talking about) suggests that we try the lost and found that is out on the playground.
It isn’t out there. It isn’t in the back room. It isn’t anywhere in the classroom. I give up.
I explain to Ian that the hat might just be lost. He is very sad. Claudia is still sad because we saw Mrs. B earlier.
Ian is so sad that I decide to try to call his teacher. Of course, I am just leaving the school and my phone list is at home on my refrigerator. In desperation I call 411.
Not only is she listed, she is at home, and she has the stupid hat.
It is a Christmas Miracle!
She planning on bringing it by our house because she knew the kids were sick. (I love their teacher. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met.)
We drive to her house and get the hat and she gives the kids the little presents that they would have gotten at school yesterday.
Ian is thrilled. He sings “Riding the Range” all the way home.
We get home and he puts on his pirate hat.
Tomorrow morning I am going to just bash my head against the wall, because, you know, it’s really the same thing.
How was your morning?
The good news is that I now have my pediatrician’s phone number memorized.
The bad news is that I think Claudia might have bronchitis.
The other bad news is that I don’t think we’ll be able to participate in the playdate that prompted the first question in this post.
The other good news is that I already bought the champagne and orange juice for mimosas and I’m not afraid to drink them all by myself. Yes, especially with two sick kids.
I don’t mean to sound like an infomercial, but why didn’t anyone tell me how cool Netflix was? Or did you and I just wasn’t listening? Either way, my friend Melissa got me a gift subscription for my birthday and I got three movies in the mail today. So tonight instead of doing laundry, paying attention to my kids or watching more reruns of Top Chef (Why do we even like that show? I am addicted to it and I can’t explain it.) I will be watching either “The Boondock Saints”, “The Salton Sea” or the first disc of the first season of “Twin Peaks”.
I don’t know if I will renew or not after my two months are up, but assuming I don’t, what movies (or tv shows) would you watch if you only had a short time?
