The Saga of the Traveling Hat

By now you all know that my donut and mimosa playdate with Corinne and Beth was cancelled due to various maladies. Thankfully, Claudia does not have bronchitis. She just has a really mean upper respiratory thing that makes her cough like she’s been smoking for years.

It also makes her mean like she just quit smoking. But that is neither here nor there. Do you want to know what we ended up doing this morning instead of eating and drinking and making merry?

I’ll tell you, but first you need some back story. Are you at all familiar with this hat?

This is a picture of Ian on the playground in his “cowboy” hat. (Don’t ask. He has always considered this a cowboy hat.) Ian has worn this hat and his cowboy boots pretty much everywhere ever since Halloween. Yes, the grocery store, the playground, school, the pediatrician, everywhere.

On Tuesday he wore the hat to school.

On Tuesday he left his hat at school.

This was bad news, but not the worst thing that had ever happened. They have school on Wednesdays too, so I figured we would just pick it up the next day.
On Wednesday morning Claudia had a fever. Our preschool has very specific rules. If a child has a fever they may not attend school until the fever has been gone for 24 hours. (This is also true for vomiting, which would explain why Ian went to about three days of school in December.) We decided to keep both kids home that day, not a big deal except, wait – the hat.

Oh, and it gets worse. Today is the last day of school until January 2nd.

So this morning I load up two kids, one sick and one traumatized by the loss of his hat, into the minivan and head off to the preschool.

Then it starts to rain.

Did I mention that my kids have a Tuesday/Wednesday class and another class of two year olds uses the classroom on Thursdays and Fridays?

I can’t leave the kids out in the car so I get everyone out of their carseats and drag them through the rain into the school. Claudia starts to cry and freak out because she doesn’t want to go to school. I explain (for the 12th time today) that we are going to school for a regular school day, we are just going to get Ian’s hat.

We go to their classroom where 10 two year olds are going crazy. We’re looking through the window and I don’t see the hat anywhere. I finally wave down one of the teachers and explain to her what is going on. She hasn’t seen the hat, but she tells me that there is a lost and found upstairs in the library.

I highly doubt that this hat would end up in the lost and found. Anyone who has seen Ian around the school knows exactly who this ridiculous hat belongs to, but I drag both kids up the stairs (which takes about 10 minutes) and go into the library. Of course, the hat is not there but I still figure it will be good to have this information for later. I decide to go back downstairs and see if maybe one of The Goon Squad’s teachers left the hat in the little room behind their classroom.

We start the long trek back downstairs. This is a trip that would take you about 30 seconds, but with these two it takes forever.

On our way down the stairs we run into the director of the school. I really like this lady, but for some unknown reason Claudia is terrified of her. Every single time this woman comes near my child Claudia bursts into tears. It is so bad that Mrs. B tries to avoid the two year old class on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Mrs. B says hi. Claudia completely loses her shit. She is sobbing and she has her head buried in my neck and hair, and have I mentioned that Claudia has so much mucous coming out of her that I took her to the doctor yesterday? (Gross. I need another shower.) The good news is that Mrs. B (who knows exactly which hat I am talking about) suggests that we try the lost and found that is out on the playground.

It isn’t out there. It isn’t in the back room. It isn’t anywhere in the classroom. I give up.

I explain to Ian that the hat might just be lost. He is very sad. Claudia is still sad because we saw Mrs. B earlier.
Ian is so sad that I decide to try to call his teacher. Of course, I am just leaving the school and my phone list is at home on my refrigerator. In desperation I call 411.

Not only is she listed, she is at home, and she has the stupid hat.
It is a Christmas Miracle!

She planning on bringing it by our house because she knew the kids were sick. (I love their teacher. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met.)

We drive to her house and get the hat and she gives the kids the little presents that they would have gotten at school yesterday.
Ian is thrilled. He sings “Riding the Range” all the way home.
We get home and he puts on his pirate hat.

Tomorrow morning I am going to just bash my head against the wall, because, you know, it’s really the same thing.

How was your morning?

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  1. I feel your pain.

    I don’t recommend the bashing of the head on the wall. I did that once when Donovan was taking forever to pee and he KNEW I had to pee and took I swear 10 minutes to go. I said I was going upstairs and he screamed at me to stay with him. I hit my head on the wall so I wouldn’t lose my mind. I threw my back and shoulder out and couldn’t walk upright for a couple days without T3 w/ Codeine. So skip that particular headbanging I say.

  2. Oh my gosh, that is a bad morning! I dread dragging my one child around on errands like that and here you have 2 kids. Well at least it ended well. Now you seriously deserve the Hello Kitty guitar for x-mas.

  3. You’re dedicated. We once had a similar experience with a lost blanket. It was traumatic. *shudder* We were calling everyone on the pre-school class list.

  4. Sorry your daughter is sick. Ian sounds like an adorable child. My son gets attached to things like that too, in addition he can’t throw anything out. He still has every toothpaste tube he’s ever used and he’s eleven now. Have a great Christmas!

  5. We have a stuffed Marie from the aristocats that I got at Disney World….. of course since the Aristocats hasn’t been out for sometime you don’t find these just everywhere. I have actually taken a picture of it and sent it with a friend who is going to Disney next month to try and find me another since I am SO paranoid about losing the one she has. I literally thnk she would have a nervous breakdown!

  6. Wow, what a craptastic day. Since it’s now about bedtime, drink the mimosas and be merry.

  7. This is totally tangential to your post, but your mention of how long it takes to do anything is on my mind. Lately getting out of the house (shoes, jacket, hat for Ada, shoes, jacket, scarf for me) is taking forever. Even when she WANTS to go outside, is begging to go out, she runs away at the mere mention of putting the coat on. Oy, I can only imagine with two squirmy kids….

  8. Wow. I really don’t know how you do it. Thomas is about the same age, right? Two of him would kill me. I sure hope all is well would your family soon and that you have a lovely Christmas! See ya in a couple of weeks!

  9. NL has to read Cheeky’s post on relative time. I had a long day too….. I wish I had the energy to write it up in such detail as you give us on hat recovery. Basically I would say. Mommy beaten even before shes out of bed. 10 AM by some miracle I have gotten us all of the house. Success shopping.. I am the best! Home good lunches missed the hailstorm.. I am batting a thou… Fuck, toileting awry.. no NAP no NAP… Ah pees pants and injury.. Baby nap interuptus… I SUCK!

    mutually-annoying call to spouse.

  10. See now, if that was me…I’d take the pirate hat away kicking and screaming (that would be me kicking and screaming) and force SF to wear the hat she made me track throughout the neighborhood. Then I’d burn the pirate hat and maybe even the other hat to prove a point. THEN and only then…I’d bang my head through the wall. All the while keeping SF in her time out because she favored the pirate hat over the lost hat…I’m normal…ya know.

  11. Ya know, I had a feeling that’s where this story was headed. Mainly because that’s happened to the wife and I many times with the girls…

    Makes you understand why your mother always told you ‘wait til you have kids’ when you were younger, doesnt it?

  12. At least you got a really cute picture. I hope today is better!

  13. This has happened to me before. These kind of days seem like every day things now. Yuck! I hope your daughter feels better fast! I totally saw the ending to the hat thing coming because that is exactly how things would play out with any of my kids.

  14. I’m fascinated by the scary Mrs. B. Does she have a huge mole or something? Does she smell funny?

  15. I hate those days. I really do. And they seem to happen a lot.

  16. Wow. I’m drinking FOR you.

    Hope everyone is feeling better in time for Santa.

  17. Hmm. So I can get codeine if I bang my head against the wall? Just a sec. I’m off to find a good hard spot …

  18. I love him in that hat! Thalia is sitting over my shoulder as I read this and she said, “arghhhh!” so I think she likes it too.

  19. Yeah, but you have to forgive him when you see that face!

  20. im totally stealing that hat next time I come over

  21. Man I know what you mean, when they love something it’s madness.
    It’s why we had to buy that stupid SECOND stuffed Bagheera off of Ebay……apparently the last one in existence.

  22. Did you just drop an unexplained Backyardigans reference and assume that we would get it? I got it.

    Sounds like another sunny day in paradise.

  23. No, he did NOT wear the pirate hat after that incredible quest to track down the cowboy hat!!! I would have screamed! :)

  24. A boy and his hat shall not be parted…unless a better one comes along.

    Sorry about the mucousfest. I’m wading in it,too. Hope it’s done soon!

    Merry Christmas :)

  25. Somehow I just KNEW something like that was about to happen! Good thing they’re so cute, isn’t it? Happy Holidays!

  26. LOVE that story. I can so see that in my future. Hope the rest of your holiday is better!

  27. Fantastic pictures, Hillarious writting I love you.

  28. cute little pirate ya got there

  29. OMG, I just found your site and you are HILARIOUS!

    I feel your pain.

  30. Almost peed my pants reading this one! Sorry Claudia is sick and sorry that Ian was traumatized by the lost hat and sorry that you went all over creation looking for the damn thing, but man, that was some funny stuff!

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