I Wasn’t Using My Context Clues

I should have known something was wrong.

First, I was in the bathroom all alone. That almost never happens. Second, it was too quiet. I was mistakenly attributing the silence to “Blue’s Clues”.

I should have realized that Joe isn’t that enthralling. Steve, maybe, but this was “Joe’s Surprise Party”. That’s a pretty stupid episode.

Did they color on the walls? No. Did they take every book of the bookshelf? No. Did they unfold all of the folded laundry? No. Did they vomit bananas and yogurt all over my carpet silently? Yes.

Who barfs quietly?

Ian.

Gross.

Does anyone want to come over and help us pull up all of our disgusting carpet? There’s hardwood under there. It has got to be easier to clean barf off of hardwood. Maybe I’ll just lay linoleum in the living room, or better yet, I’ll just lay down newspaper every morning before The Goon Squad wakes up.

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  1. UGH. Gross indeed. Sorry.

    Yeah, it might be time to refinish those hardwoods. Definitely easier to clean than carpet and less likely to stain.

  2. Uck! Bananas are the worst. I think the doctors are in cahoots with the flooring people. It’s the only explaination I have as to why they’d tell us to feed them bananas when they’re sick.

  3. I keep saying Oh No for you yet I can’t stop laughing because I’ve been there before. And I don’t know why that makes it funny but I guess I’m just gross like that. We’re sending good lucks from Minnesota.

  4. Who covers hardwood floors with carpet?
    Sorry for the sickies. That’s never any fun.
    Hope all gets better soon!

  5. Oh, my gosh. There is way too much barfing going on in your world lately. Poor thing. :(

    (Yes, I think I’m feeling sorrier for you than for your children.) :)

  6. After the 973rd time of grabbing the Little Green machine to shampoo spots of forumla-based based vomit or the projectile vomiting of 8oz of milk mixed with whatever it was he had for lunch, we decided that carpet was no longer an option in the family room. Up it came and new floors installed in its place — lovely hardwoods that clean up in an instant.

    Someone more industrious than myself should patent room-sized Saran wrap on a huge roll. Easy removal of offending matter and whooosh, pull out a brand new covering.

  7. Egads and zounds, gross. But hey, you get hardwood floors :) When I was a kid, I remember I puked all over my mom’s brand-new carpet while she was at work. I don’t even think it was a week old. I stopped being sick enough to be in mortal fear of my mom’s wrath.

  8. For the first 2 years of my twins lives, we lived a nomadic existence, moving from place to place when the stains and smells became to great.

  9. seriously, though, who barfs quietly??!!!

  10. How about puppy pads?

  11. This is the email I got from Erin this morning. Subject line:

    Pukefest 2007

    As soon as Hala stopped throwing up at about 3am, My mom started.

    Then at about 4 Jack started.

    We are out of towels and I am trying to help every.

    Send reinforcements, and I have no doubt I”ll be down soon.

    …And they all got it from her dad who’s had it for a few days. They’re having a laundry service come out because they’re not only out of towels, the kids have now puked on/pooped thru all of the clothes they took to Michigan.

  12. Not to play tit-for-tat with Ian, but when I was in about 3rd grade, I projectile vomited IN MY SLEEP AND DIDN’T WAKE UP.

    My mom got up to use the bathroom, smelled something foul from my room and found me that way.

    So Ian may puke quietly, but I do it sound asleep. w00t.

    I like the newspaper idea. It works for the animals in our rescue :-)

  13. Ick.

    Personally, I’m thinking of getting rid of everything that is made of fabric in my house. The kid will sleep on a linoleum-topped crib with a vinyl tablecloth for a sheet. It’s a lovely thought anyway.

  14. You so neeed to install wood-patterend linoleum. Looks darn good enough even though it isnt a wood floor. I havent killed my puppy yet!

  15. What you need is a bunch of dogs. They would have had it cleaned up before you even realized what had happened. :)

  16. Newspaper works for puppies, why not goons?

  17. Tarps. Lots of tarps.

  18. My goons need lots and lots of hardwood.
    Izzy drank so much of the lime juice (the kind that comes in the bright green shaped lime)that he silently walked outside in to the backyard and puked into the bushes. Then he quietly came in and told me about it. Apparently that is much better than the “mommy whining” alternative.

  19. I’m not leaving the house. I hear tales of barfing from all over the country, first Erin and her crew in Michigan yesterday……..and now you……..
    quarantine is in effect.

  20. Stealth Vomit.

    (it would be a good band name)

  21. Ohhhhh… if it makes you feel any better I was vomited on at 2am this morning. And again at 4 (you think I would have learned). And yes, hardwood is easier to clean (I know from experience… way WAY too much experience).

  22. Ok, I’ve been reading for a few months now. You are laugh out loud funny and your graphics are, simply, the best.

  23. Oh, I’m so sorry!

    I have to say, I ADORE the hardwoods in our living room. sooo much easier to clean. But they still get stickers stuck to them. grrr…

    did you ever hear the story about how my older 2 kids broke my pizza peel by sledding down the stairs on it? NEVER TRUST QUIET!

  24. I will come to your house and help you pull up the carpet BUT no one can barf while I am there. NO ONE. I have to lay down the law on this one, otherwise you will have to hold my hair because I am a sympathetic puker. They gag, I gag. It’s not pretty. Even my own kids know to stay away from me when they are barfing and they beeline for Daddy. Hell, he’s gone to survival school and eaten bugs, he’s gone to war. He can deal with barf!

  25. You can alway shrink wrap them but your sure to make Fox news if you do.

  26. Even if your house is mostly hardwoods, trust me your kids will find the ONE ROOM that has carpeting and choose that room to puke all over. Been there, done that. Hope things get better this weekend.

  27. The title killed me, because my kids talk about context clues repeatedly. When they were learning to read that is what their teacher talked about the most. Since their teacher is way cooler than me, they repeat everything she says over and over.

    Hope things get better soon! I have two sick kids right now (my boys) and hate when they feel yucky!

  28. i’m with Gidge. I’m not leaving my house. Little man brings home enough from school, we don’t have to leave to catch anything. I’d love hardwood floors, but little people pj’s with the feet slide on them, and I know from experience that isn’t always a fun thing. I’m sending good thoughts your way…Hope you enjoy your new floors.

  29. And people ask me why I want to cover my entire house in resilient flooring. But now I’m thinking that scene from ET, where the whole house is just covered in white plastic sterile tubes and shit. Totallyt.

  30. It is easier to clean vomit off hardwood.

    I hate that I know this.

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