May 31, 2007 | I Just Logged On My Internet

I read Wonkette almost every day. So does everybody else in D.C.. Do you want to know how I know?

Wonkette linked to me yesterday. I’ve gotten over 560 hits from this link so far. I usually don’t get 560 hits in an entire day.

What did I post that was so newsworthy that it deserved a link from Wonkette?

The thing about hermaphrodite midget porn.

As a special added bonus one of the other moms from The Squad’s preschool class decided to check out my blog yesterday. (Hi Kristin!) I co-op in her child’s class. I supposed she could have had me arrested. Instead she sent me an e-mail saying that it really made her laugh. I am very grateful that she has a good sense of humor.

Now I know who to go drinking with.*

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* Not like these evil people who try to make you play drinking Chutes and Ladders with tequila.  My head still hurts just thinking about it.

May 30, 2007 | Searching

I tried to make it big enough to read but I suck at computers. Still, it says what you think it does.

I am the number one hit on Google for “hermaphrodite midget porn”.

I blame Chris.

May 29, 2007 | All Me All Day, Potty Training, The Pink One

No, our TV didn’t suck me in. In fact, it completely died and we had to buy a new (and way cooler) television set.

The tv didn’t try to hurt me at all, but this almost did me in.

I don’t really want to talk about it anymore, but I will say this it was indeed a bottle full of bad ideas.

We’ve been busy playing tourist with company and end of the year stuff for preschool. We spent Saturday on the mall with our friends Lora and Matt and I didn’t get one single picture of the four of us. Instead, would you like to see a cool picture I took of the Washington Monument?

We’ve also been potty training. Well, potty training Claudia. She has peed in the potty every day for a week now. No more diapers for her, she is in either a Pull-Up or underpants all day long now.

Did I mention my superfly new friend Clare (Hi Clare!) sent The Goon Squad a bunch of Pull-Ups so that we could try the different kinds? Claudia likes the ones with “Learning Designs”. I guess the pictures are supposed to fade when they get wet, but she has been doing such a great job keeping them dry that I hadn’t even noticed.

We are also finally caught up on all three seasons of “Project Runway” so now you can feel free to talk to me about it.

Yes, I know I am a dork. Need more proof? I went and bought Guitar Hero 2(which I am hoping will beeasy to follow having never played Guitar Hero 1). Now if I can figure out how to hook the thing up I am going to go shred.

May 23, 2007 | TV

Here is something I’ve never even heard of before.

Sometimes when we are watching television my TV just turns off. If I hit the power button nothing happens.

The only way we can make the tv turn back on is to plug it into another outlet in our power strip.

Before you tell me the problem is with my power strip, our TiVo, our DVD player and our stereo are all plugged into the same thing and they all work just fine. Plus, sometimes it won’t work at all and other times it will work in one of the sockets that wouldn’t work before. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

So tell me, fine readers, do I need a new tv or should I throw a tennis ball in there before the thing sucks Claudia in there.

I’ll tell you this much, either way I’m not looking under my bed.

Preschool, Proof of My Immaturity

I love kids. Not just my kids. I love most little kids, and I don’t mean that in the Lolita kind of way, either. Little kids just crack me up. There is something about the ages between 2 and 6 that I just think is great.

I was dropping The Goon Squad off at preschool today and a little boy I had never met before came up to me and said:

Hi! My name is Michael. I am five and three quarters. Do you want to see what I can do?

And I knew. I knew immediately just exactly what he was going to show me. Michael shoved his hand up his shirt and into his armpit and made farting noises.

And it was still funny.

Kids are great. How can they be so predictable and so surprising all at the same time?

May 22, 2007 | Randomness

I know it isn’t nice to make fun of people that are really, really, really high, but this clip over on The Zero Boss is pretty funny.

Speaking of funny, The Kaiser sent me this headline - “Man Suspected of Killing Prostitute With a Hoe”. Hoe with an “e” mind you.

Does your regular swimwear show too much skin? You can always try this instead. Wearing this stuff is way more embarrassing than being fat. (Thanks Mark.)

And because these get boring without pictures I am thinking of starting a new thing. I call it: Name that Movie.

So what are you waiting for? Name the movie.

May 21, 2007 | Friends

I carry my camera with me almost everywhere. So why don’t I have one single picture from our dinner last night at Chris and Beth’s house? (I know I should list them in alphabetical order or put Beth first because I knew her first, but I still have trouble with making things that end in a “s” possessive.)

Because the kids were playing so nicely that we actually got to talk. Like grown ups. I’n not kidding. We talked about books and movies and music and all of the things I used to talk about before The Goon Squad was born.

It was really nice. Even though we’ve met a lot of really great people since we moved up here it is always so cool to make friends with a new couple. It is that comfortable dynamic where everyone just gets along with everyone else. It is also really nice to be able to talk about kids and not talk about kids with the same people. Does that make any sense?

They don’t mind me changing Ian’s poopy diaper on their very expensive area rug, and hermaphrodite midget porn only came up in conversation once. Well, maybe twice, but that was it. At least as far as I remember. There was yummy lasagne and wine too. I’d love to blame the hermaphrodite midget porn thing on the wine, but Chris doesn’t drink so really we have no excuse for that. And even though Ian knocked Mia down and made her cry and Claudia dumped an entire bowl of pasta on their floor, I still think they want to hang out with us again.

(Suckers.)

I still wish I had taken at least one picture.

Proof of My Immaturity, TV

The Goon Squad and I are watching “Blue’s Clues”. It is an episode about planets and Steve keeps saying “Uranus spins on it’s side” and I can’t stop giggling.

It also makes me feel a little bit squirmy.

I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy. Aren’t you glad you waste your time reading my blog?

May 18, 2007 | Other Bloggers, Pictures, Searching, The Pink One

I have had the best luck meeting other bloggers. This afternoon The Squad and I went out to lunch with Steve from the Hygiene Chronicles. We had a great time. Steve let Ian play with his cell phone so they were instantly best friends. They also accused each other of being hamburgers.

I don’t know, maybe it’s a guy thing.

Anyway, we all had a great time and I’m sure Steve will agree that even though my kids are just as strange as I say they are (although Claudia didn’t bring up her uterus at lunch) we all got along great. I’m always surprised at how much people really are like their blogs. It seemed like we had known each other for a long time.

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This is the outfit Claudia wore to her Aunt’s college graduation yesterday.

…and she scowled at everyone who complimented her on her wings.

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I honestly never get bored of looking at the search terms that bring people here. For your reading enjoyment, here are some of the real winners:

Main Goon Cats

Let’s just assume they were looking for Maine Coon cats.

How could women in the olden days tell if they were pregnant?

Um. No period, huge belly, a baby came out… I could keep going.

Underwear Smiling

Pooping in shower - cat

Bob the Builder’s favorite band

Does my pussy look good in this?

Jesus Mary rat fuck

carrot top naked

how to spell Meredith Vierra

With one r.

odd smelling pee in the morning

Did you eat asparagus the night before?

penis boots

How much pee a day?

I think I am going to need more information before I can answer that question.

Hello Kitty Car

Oh. I wish. 

And my favorite from this month:

Gordon Ramsay eating cow penis. 

May 17, 2007 | Other Bloggers, Pictures

You people crack me up. I asked for pictures from your cell phones and you came through.

Tammy had so many she had to do her own post. You have to go look, I don’t want to give away too much, but it includes what appears to be a firetruck that says something very inaprropriate.

Mr. Big Dubya is a man after my own heart. He sent me a picture of beer.

You are going to have to read the post associated with the picture the Uncaring Bear took in a bathroom at a restaurant. Very disturbing stuff.

Beau calls his picture “19 minutes”:

Nonlineargirl posted hers too.

Suburban Oblivian sent me a photo called “It’s Good to Be the King”:

You can see these and all the rest of them in my Cell Phone Picture Extravaganza set over on Flickr. Feel free to send me more of these. I’ll keep adding them as we go.