This Woman Needs Her Own Blog

I love my commentors. Commenters? Commenteurs? (Commentators can’t be right, can it?) Whatever. What I am trying to say is that you people are hilarious.

I don’t know most of you, but I do know a lot of you in real life. Some of you I have known for a very long time, take my Mom for example. But really, I have known Alison from AliBlog and her brother Beau since I was in first grade. AliBlog was the first blog I ever read. I remember one time she called some of us out. She thought we should have our own blogs. She called out Gabe and Mich. Neither of them started their own blog, but then there was me.

She created a monster.

Back to what I was saying before. I have known Mich since I was in girl scouts. She doesn’t comment all of the time, but when she does it is always worth reading. Read her comment from this post:

Mich Says:

My favorite neighbor is an alcoholic dead beat dad with party plates and a breathalizer ignition. When he gets home from drinking on hot summer nights, he pees in the driveway. We live in one of those rustbelt city neighborhoods where the houses are separated only by the driveways. The screen in our bedroom window is the only thing to buffer the sound. It’s like he’s pissing in the same room with us. (Oh — and by the way — we mow his lawn sometimes. But that’s because it would NEVER get mowed otherwise.) And he’s our favorite!

The neighbor on the other side told us he is sick. My husband asked what was wrong, and the dude just pointed at his head. He constantly asks if he can use our ladder. I don’t know what for. We keep saying no.

The sick-in-the-head-ladder-craving guy lives in a two-family house and the people who live upstairs from him are Middle Eastern. We saw them the day they moved in. We see the husband all the time, but the wife has never come out of the house — in two years!!

We have another neighbor who noticed a small leafy twig growing out of our chimney. He begged us to call the authorities right away so that we wouldn’t die of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Before the Middle Eastern couple moved in, there was a chain-smoking 60-something-year-old woman living up there. We called her Leather Face. Once, we were driving through town and saw her lying on the ground propped up against the storefront of the corner bar. We said, “Hey! That was Leather Face passed out on the curb!”

Abbreviated version of the rest of the neighborhood:

Cat Lady (our second favorite)
Screaming Derrick
Bearded Man
The Stripper

If Mich doesn’t need her own blog, I don’t know who does. Either that or a sitcom based on her neighborhood. I already told her that if she does get a tv show, I want to play Derrick the Screamer.

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  1. I would definately read her blog! That sounds like how my husband and I talk about our neighbors. We don’t use name. Our most interesting neighbor is the revolving door, I would love to have a Screaming Derrick.

  2. It sounds like a Janet Evanovich neighborhood.

    Mich, get a blog!!

  3. I totally get to play the role of the bearded man.

  4. The Kaiser’s picture is funny & scary at the same time.

    I’d probably get to be the lady that hasn’t come out of her house in two years.

  5. I want neighbors like that!

  6. With descriptions like that maybe a book contract should be in her future. Great read. And I totally get the missing wife character. I haven’t seen the wife in the house two down in years. She is there…or so I’ve been told. Her poor husband walks a cat and a cat-dog (some tiny breed that my cat could take out) in the morning. The wife probably watches out the window.

  7. Yeah, a TV show. A blog. Or least the number of a good moving company. That girl needs a new neighborhood!

    Moi? Can I be Cat Lady?

  8. You mean the middle eastern lady hasn’t been seen in two years and no one found that odd? I mean her neighbors?! Weird stuff. Yeah, I would watch for sure.

  9. I’ve threatened a few times to go ahead and create two blogs – one each for Mich and Jen – start populating them with a few of their best e-mails, and then give them the keys to take it from there. They both really need to be blogging.

    In college Mich kept this screw-ball community journal of drunken quotes and odd moments that we wouldn’t want to forget in the morning. Today if you read it, maybe a fifth of it makes sense. We also used to keep lists of Saturday Night Live sketch ideas. Those two things alone could give her enough blog fodder for a year or so – if she still has ’em on hand.

  10. LOL…I wanna be the dead beat mom who is only seen in her pink bathrobe screaming at her kids from the front stoop.

  11. I second that!

    I made two friends get their own blogs based on their comments at my place. I’m still working on the third.

  12. i would totally read. and i want to pee in the driveway, should we ever make the movie.

  13. I was gonna say I want to be The Stripper but I’d probably be cast as Sick in The Head Ladder guy.

  14. I’d like the place of neighbourhood bitch. Seeing as how all the kids gravitate to my house cause I make cookies and gingerbread for them. The kids adore me… parents all hate me. Sigh :) Or you can just call me “The Sucker” cause I have all the kids and you lot can all have a cocktail party at the middle eastern house. THAT woman is either dead or in SERIOUS need of a drink and some company!

    crunchycarpets…. what’s a stoop?

  15. I want her to have a blog just because I really need to know more about Screaming Derrick.

  16. I’d like to play the Middle Eastern woman who’s not been seen in two years. Of course, it will be an easy part to play because she’s clearly dead. So my lack of acting experience won’t be a factor. And it also won’t matter that I don’t look Middle Eastern because I will either be dressed in a burka or wrapped in an Oriental rug.

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