September 30, 2007 | Randomness

A drunk guy tried to kill and eat a hotel’s pet duck. (Thanks LHM) It is funnier than it sounds. I promise.

Jake Delhomme, Steve Smith, exploding barns, chicken cars, Bojangles… go ahead. Look. It’s all one video.

If you still have faith in your state government you should watch this video Suebob posted on Linkateria. Especially if you live in Texas.

Do you just need one more widget? Do you like blog traffic? Do you enjoy pyramid schemes? I signed up because Busy Mom told me to. Now you go sign up because I told you to.

Did you guys see that USF/West Virginia game? Wow. Gabe went to South Florida so we have been following The Bulls for a couple of years now. Good for them. I hope they only lose one game this season - that game of course being the UCF game.

Have a good Sunday. Now everybody go root for the Bucs.

September 29, 2007 | The Unexplained

I’m Going to Need an Explanation

Originally uploaded by Sarah606

I took this picture with my cell phone yesterday.

The kids and I were on our way home from the grocery store when I passed this boat on the road. We had to turn around to take the picture.

Who has the best explanation for why and how this boat got here?

September 28, 2007 | The Pink One

Guess who dressed herself this morning?

Contests, Other Bloggers, Traffic Experiments

Yesterday I asked for your input on my second traffic experiment. I asked you to come up with a term that would bring traffic to my site.

It is very interesting to take a look into the minds of my readers.

I’ll let you see for yourselves.

Arwen said: Chocolate Chip Cookies that make you fart, poot, toot or pass gas.

Kellyology gave me two: asshole bleaching or bleaching your asshole and 4-year-old soccer. I would say she is covering both ends of the spectrum.

Michele gives us: “Under my skirt” “fat naked chick” and “fat pregnant naked chick”.

Chase gave me several (mostly upsetting) options: ‘vagina taste’…but just today so far I’ve gotten ‘girls tasting ass’ and ‘taste of female piss’…. anything disgusting with the word “taste” in it. Or boobs. I get lots of hits for ‘tig ol bitties’ and ‘double d boobs’.

Luther suggests: Can you get high from smoking a hemp skirt?

Tastes Like Crazy is going with a classic: boobs.

ktjrdn gave me: duct tape prom dress and AOL is a virus

Emily goes out on a limb with reindeer poop.

Papa Bradstein, this guy is a smart one. Check this out: Ahmadinjead Uses iPhone to Take Picture of Britney’s Boobs, Bleached Ass and Sends Taste to Lindsay Lohan, Plus Posts on MySpace.

Whit is on the same page as Mr. Bradstein: Pregnant Miley Cyrus and Nude Vanessa Hudgens in sex tape scandal with gay Zac Efron and Kim Possible.

Floreksa gave me one I’ve never even heard of: Removing Vongo

Ree says: Do grasshopper legs taste like chicken?

De in D.C. has a good one: edible underwear panties red.

You can call me Sir did some research: is my ass haunted by pirates?

Elizabeth (clearly a better citizen than the rest of you perverts) gave me: baby names that end in y .

Paula the Surf Mom says: you should try outing Marsha and Jan Brady as lesbians

Tammy says: Try something to do with moms that make their sons wear dresses or panties, or husbands that wear panties. Using the word forced in these sentences will help out alot, you know “forces son/husband to wear panties/dresses”.

Jill offers: how about catapult pumpkins or catapult midgets or is Sara Sidle dead. That should get some hits tonight anyway.. ummm… homemade dildo ?

Kate (who says she gets two because she has twins) gave me: “poop on boobs” and “snuggle boobs feast”

Patois has a good one: Bush visits Britney’s breastfeeding pictures in Facebook.

NG has two that make me uncomfortable: was mr rogers in prison and sharp shooting crotch pain

The Other Bear gives us: aunty’s breast milk

Suburban Oblivian says: “Oblivion boobs” or “oblivion hooker”, trust me on this.

XDM wanted to add: Pregnant Pounders

Devra: We get a bunch of folks searching “panties” and “what does schmuck mean”, and later she added “naked barbie” or “panties image search”.

Geena from Perpetual Exhaustion added: mommy tampon aunt flo

Busy Mom must get a lot of hits for Wiggle related search terms. She said: Anything with the Wiggles

Karen’s entry is: boy enemas.

Sassymonkey swears by edible underwear. Wait - that came out wrong.

Samantha Jo from Back to Me said: “Getting spanked by a semi” is my ace-in-the-hole.

Velocibadgergirl from Pardon the Egg Salad is going with Kat von D’s boobs. I have no idea what that means.

Suebob was really thinking about this. She said: I get hits every single day from “peeing pants stories.” But I would vote for “Scarlet Johanson tits” or something spelled wrong like that. That way you would get the pervy bad spellers, which, I think, are probably a large portion of the population.

I am just going to cut and paste Kara’s (Fear and Loathing in Stepford) entire comment:

My #1 hit of all time STILL is “I saw my first penis”

For you, I say: camels eating generic viagra with their toes in bed with the olsen twins and lindsay lohan and paris hilton and rush limbaugh and a few tranny hookers… and mitt romney.

You heard it here, folks.

Phoenix kept it simple: Nature’s Porn.

Trish says that: my old blog used to get hundreds of hits from people searching for:
Huge lactating nipples. This week I’m getting hits from: how to deal with my idiot ex-husband.

Redneck Mommy said: Don’t forget “Redneck”, “mommy’s boobs” and “duct tape.”

Sunshine (…and the pursuit of happiness) said: I did a post about a wedding party where they all had huge boobs and I still get search terms for “Double D’s” and “Ginormous boobies” all the time. Many of those searches come from our South American friends…it’s a global fetish.

Casey (who is unlikely to win this contest, but she already has a satgs key chain bottle opener anyway) thought long and hard (*snort* long and hard) and came up with: lesbian cucumber sandwich.

Gidge gets a lot of hits for: gorrilla bakes poop cookies. Or so she says. I wonder if it would work if you said gorilla with one r? I wonder if it would work with pee cookies?

Wait - she just changed hers to GORILLA POOPS NO BAKE COOKIES. Close, but so different. So so sooooooo different.

Helena from Thrice Blessed Momma swears that she ot a hit from ‘in the gyno stirrups’ and then she felt dirty.

The Queen of Shake Shake gets a lot of traffic from talking about Mike Rowe being naked, crack whore videos, skid mark panties and Queen of Farts.

Ali from Cheaper Than Therapy blew my mind with Homer Simpson vagina tattoo.

Nicole came in late and added Britney Spears vagina. I think she has a shot with that one.

MP gets a lot of hits for dropped puppy, dead baby in car and little boys peeing. Yikes.

I am Jack’s Raging Mommy (by far my favorite blog name) said poon squad, and made me laugh really hard.

Mommy at Work , owner of the #1 hit on Google if you type in “how to look slutty”, says Mommy got milk.

Now remember, this is a contest. It may take a while, so I am not going to pick a winner until December 1st. You still have time to get involved. If you leave a suggestion here or in the comments on the last post I will keep adding them.

(more…)

September 27, 2007 | Open Letters

Dear Oven Clock,

You don’t have a feature that involves the date. So why do you care if it is am or pm when I reset you? You don’t even have an am or pm display? You are just screwing with me, aren’t you.

Admit it.

Jerk.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to reset you every single time my power blinked off for two seconds. But I do.

So, let’s quit playing games, you and I? Deal?

Sincerely,

Sarah

Contests, Traffic Experiments

Do you guys remember when I did the Brad Pitt Butt Traffic Experiment?

For those of you that are new I will fill you in - I was (am still am) amazed by how many hits I get on this blog for people searching for “Doodlebops without makeup”. I decided to see what would happen if I wrote something that I thought would generate a lot of hits. I chose Brad Pitt’s butt.

It was a failure. Sure, people search for it occasionally, but apparently Brad’s ass has nothing on the Doodblebops unmasked or hermaphrodite midget porn. I still get a ton of traffic from both of those search terms.

DeeDee Doodle     ————————————————->

What is wrong with this country.

Now - mostly out of boredom, I have decided to try another traffic experiment. Here is my problem. I can’t think of a good term. I was going to use a popular tv show, but when I checked the Neilsen Ratings I was so disappointed by what America was watching I changed my mind. Are you people really still watching “Survivor” and “CSI”?

It is time for the audience participation portion. You guys each pick a search term. I will publish them all with a link to you (if you have one). The person who comes up with the term or phrase that generates the most traffic will win a shiny new Sarah and the Goon Squad keychain bottle opener. If the winner already has one I’ll have to get creative. Or you can have another one.

Ready, set, go!

September 26, 2007 | Searching

I don’t have anything good again today, so to entertain you I offer another episode of ”Search Term that Have Brought People Here”. I’ve let my sitemeter upgrade expire, so this may be one of the last ones of these, so I hope you like it. 

Before we get into these today can I just ask you why so many people are searching for pictures of Laura Bush in a bathing suit?

Is Chef Ramsey really an asshole?

I’ve never met the man, but he sure does curse at people a lot.

poltergeist midget

I always just thought she was really short.

Christian Doodlebops

brown cinnamon midget

I don’t know if I should be hungry or offended.

vomit marbles

ouch.

anal expedition 4 blog

myspace white boy do the wine

I find this one particularly confusing.

i feel wet i think i peed

So instead of searching for it, maybe you ought to try the bathroom.

Dee Dee Doodle Drunk

I do believe that is an alliteration.

vomiting pictures Tampa Bay Bucs

Okay, I get why you ended up here. What I don’t get is why you wanted that picture.

Why does Anthony Wiggle wear different shoes?

noodling nude

Ew. You remember what noodling is, right?

Do tatermitts work?

That’s what I want to know. When I was in Tampa at my parent’s house I was watching tv with my Dad and a commercial for tatermitts came on. I asked him if he thought they worked and he just rolled his eyes at me. Oh well, at least I know where I get my parenting skills.

“tater mitts suck”

Well, there we go.

strollers for parrots

Gordon Ramsay hermaphrodite

Wow. I really doubt it. But wow.

onionbooty

anal rampage

And now for you questions:

is Wubbzy a cat or a mouse?

Ian and Claudia insist he is a mouse.

big butt midgets

What is the seventh sign of the Apocalypse?

I don’t know. Frogs? Armageddon? Zima? American Idol?

Reasons New Jersey Sucks

I think I have two tampons in.

I’m sorry.

Immaturity in Fantasy Football

Does it count that I named one of my teams “Fistful of Peter”? Yeah. That has to count.

____

Oh, and hello to my new friends from bookclub. If this is the first post they read they are going to be terrified to show up next month. I’m sure they will be fascinated to see what Mrs. Onionbooty Big But Midget Tatermitts has to say about Steinbeck. I swear, I’m often coherent. Not always, but most of the time.

September 25, 2007 | Now You Go

I’ve got nothing interesting to tell you today.

It was another day of separation anxiety (Claudia, not me. I love being apart.) and poopy underpants.

You guys tell me something funny, or send me a funny link. I need to be cheered up.

—

Spellcheck doesn’t think poopy is a word. Clearly Spellcheck does not have any children. 

September 24, 2007 | Food, I Love Beer, Parenting, The Pink One

Besides just having fabulous metabolisms and growing up as well as out, I have often wondered how little kids can eat so much garbage (Claudia pretty much exists on a diet of pasta, grilled cheese, cereal, french fries and goldfish - Dr. Atkins is spinning in his grave) and stay so thin.

Today it hit me. If you dance around like a lunatic every time somebody gives you a graham cracker just because you are so excited to eat that graham cracker you probably won’t be gaining a bunch of weight.

I’m starting a new diet plan today. Every time  I go to grab a beer I’ll do a little happy dance. This way I figure:

1) I’ll burn off the bonus calories. 

2) It counts as cardio.

3) It will please the beer Gods.

What do you think? Who is in?

______

September 23, 2007 | Sports

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

How ’bout them Bucs?

Tampa Bay -24

St. Louis - 3

Now I’m off to do some celebratory vacuuming.

[photo: Scott Audette/AP Photos]