November 30, 2007 | Randomness

I’ve got three links regarding rap music that I love. First - charts and bar graphs about rap lyrics that made me laugh so hard that I cried. I cried! (Thank you Kaiser)

Second - the top 10 rap songs that white people love. Oh, it is funny because it is true.
I stole this from Samantha at Back to Me. It is about Darth Vader and it involves legos, Eddie Izzard and a cafeteria line.

Third - a nice song. Everyday Normal Guy - the rap. (thanks Kate) I can’t resist anything with the line - my parents are pretty nice people mother fucker.

Mommy at Work thinks that the state of South Carolina reads me and is catering to my needs.

November 29, 2007 | Contests, Searching, Traffic Experiments

I will tally the hits for my ongoing contest on December 1st. (I don’t feel guilty about it since I finally sent out the prize from my last contest).

For those of you that are new to the place, I am having a contest to see who could come up with the term that would generate the most traffic.

So far it is looking like Ali has the thing in the bag. She suggested Homer Simpson vagina tattoo.

You would be surprised how many people are looking for that. Some are even looking for a vagina tattoo of Bart Simpson, but if that exists, I haven’t seen it.

No one suggested this term, but since so many people (I can only assume they are NOT Green Bay fans) are looking for a picture of Brett Favre crying, I give you this:

and this:

Maybe I’ll even have another picture to add after the Dallas game tonight.

Now I feel kind of mean. Sorry Brett.

I will announce the official results early next week. There is still time to enter, but it si going to have to be good to beat Ali. She found the pulse of the internet.

TV

I have a lot of traditionally masculine interests. I love football. I love beer. I used to be in a garage band. I have a lot of guy friends. I (along with Kemp) started a sports blog.

In fact, as I type this I am watching “Inside the NFL” which I TiVo every week.

Keeping this in mind, (as well as the fact that I am addicted to Bravo reality television) last night we stayed up late watching “Project Runway” (which Gabe says he watches in hope of seeing side boob). Last week the special guest judge was Sarah Jessica Parker who I cannot stand, so when they said there was another celebrity this week I rolled my eyes. Then the designers walked into the room and there was Tiki Barber.

I squealed.

Like a girl.

I was so ashamed.

I couldn’t help it. I love the Barbers.*

And all of those designers that cried when they saw Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t even know who Tiki Barber was! The only one who recognized him was the one straight guy. I guess that helped me feel a little bit tougher.

* Even though they are identical twins I think Ronde better looking, but that is only because he is wearing a Bucs jersey.

November 28, 2007 | Randomness

You may have to be either a singer or an opera connoisseur to appreciate this one, but check out this kid (a boy) singing The Queen of the Night aria. I can’t even do that an octave down. Wow. (Thanks Tito.)

Can you tell when I have links? Do you want me to change the color?

Mike Huckabee has a plan to secure the border: Chuck Norris. Damn right. (Thanks Frank Sucks)

Now that we have established that I am Godless, Devra sent me a picture of the Jesus of the Week.

The Kaiser sent a link with some advice on how to get a new Daddy (or Mommy, or both.) It is funnier than it sounds.

November 27, 2007 | All Me All Day

On Saturday night Gabe and I went over to Becky’s house for dinner. We had a fantastic time and we stayed up way too late just talking.  As it neared 1:00 am I noticed that my voice was a bit more - um, Kathleen Turner than normal.

I woke up the next morning and I sounded more like Denny Green after a game.

I’m sorry. Was that too random? What I mean is that I had lost my voice.

Then we drove home.  910 miles. Do you know how difficult it is to  threaten the children in the back seat when you can’t make any sound?

Thank Bog for e-mail and the interweb. This way Mommy at  Work can hear me trash talk her just fine when I tell the entire blogosphere that I beat her 144-72 in fantasy football this weekend.* That’s right, you heard me. I DOUBLED her score. Lapped her. And I did it while Adrian Peterson (the Purple Jesus) sat on the bench.

In case you didn’t quite catch that:

GOON SQUAD SARAH (aka All Hail the Hypnotoad): 144

MOMMY AT WORK (aka Indianapolis Easy Money Tramps**): 72

* No comment on my Blog Pound loss to L.A. Daddy. I seem to have conveniently lost my voice.

** That is seriously her ff team name. I wasn’t making that part up.

November 26, 2007 | I Love Beer, Open Letters

Dear Florence, SC,

In my recent travels I happened briefly upon your fair city and I am left with a few questions for you:

No alcohol on Sundays? At all?

Not even beer?

How do you people watch football?

Your prompt response would be most appreciated.

Love,

Sarah 

November 24, 2007 | PSA

Say you are on a road trip and you spend one night in a hotel before driving 600 more miles to your destination.

Make damn sure that you have BOTH children’s bears.

Don’t just look under the bed. Be sure to look between the sheets and the comfortor too.

You are welcome.

(Not doing so may cause crying jags, temper tantrums, five days without a teddy bear, $9.75 in COD costs and the loss of your own blankey as a temporary replacement so that your daughter can sleep.)

November 22, 2007 | All This and Culture Too, Music, Parenting

Do you want to know what rules about being back at the house you grew up in for Thanksgiving?

When your son’s cool new “binoculars”:

Turn out to be your autographed Paul Gilbert (of Mr. Big and Racer X fame) poster, circa Cereal Killer.*

Then your husband makes fun of you a lot for being such a dork.

And you know you deserve it.

- Have a great Thanksgiving.

_____________________

* And yeah, it says: “To Sarah, Twist and Shout”. So I am not the only dork, am I Paul Gilbert?

November 19, 2007 | All This and Culture Too, Music

CHARACTERS

ME: A suburban mom

20ISH GUY: a Barnes and Noble Employee

30ISH WOMAN: another Barnes and Noble Employee. Possibly 20ISH GUYS boss.

[A Barnes and Noble in Tampa, Florida. The suburban mom walks into the music section of the store. The 20ISH GUY approaches the new customer.]

20ISH GUY: Can I help you find something ma’am?

ME: Yes. I am looking for the new Dethklok album.

20ISH GUY: [puzzled] Death? Clock? [Trying not to laugh. You he was expecting her to be looking for the Josh Groban Christmas CD.]

ME: [beginning to feel uncomfortable, sort of] Yes. I think it is called the “Dethalbum“. It is a two discs.

20ISH GUY: [goes to the counter and approaches 30ISH WOMAN and a computer. Then, to the woman:] Death Clock? [he starts typing]

ME: I think it is D-E-T-H-K [She stops spelling because she is feeling really stupid.]

30ISH Woman: What is Death Clock?

ME: It is a band from a cartoon. It could be under Metalocalypse.

20ISH Man: What kind of cartoon?

ME: You know, one on Adult Swim. It is about a Death Metal band that is the third largest economy in the world. [At this point she just feels like a lunatic. Wants to leave the store.]

30ISH WOMAN: Here is an adult swim DVD…

20ISH GUY: OH! Dethklok. It’s one word.

ME: [Looking around furtively, just trying to escape.]

30ISH WOMAN: Huh. Okay “The Dethalbum“. We don’t have any, but I can order it for you.

ME: No thanks. I don’t live here.

[Suburban Mom runs away. Employees mock her once she is gone. Suburban Mom feels like an idiot and goes home so that she can tell the internet all about it.]

THE END

November 16, 2007 | Memes, Randomness

So, I was in the shower and I had This Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head  ”Shea Stadium the radium E M D squared” (which I always thought was Shea Stadium, palladium, EMC2, which is wrong. I looked it up here and they even give you the ‘meaning’ ) and I had a great idea for a post. I would call it “In 3s”. Of course those lyrics are from “The Sounds of Science”, but whatever.

This isn’t actually a meme, but it looks like one. Feel free to use it if you are bored.

Three Books I Finished Reading Recently

1) The Bean Trees - Barbara Kingsolver

2) The Other Boleyn Girl - Philippa Gregory

3) Dry - Augusten Burroughs

Three Books I’m Currently in the middle of Reading

1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling - I totally thought it was Deathly Hollows until about 30 pages ago.

2) Plainsong - Kent Haruf

3) A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess

Three Books I want to Read

1) Snuff - Chuck Palahniuk- I love Chuck Palahniuk, even if I can’t say his last name. Plus the Amazon description reads “”Six hundred dudes. One porn queen. A world record for the ages. A must-have movie for every discerning collector of things erotic.” and then “Didn’t one of us on purpose set out to make a snuff movie.” How could I not be intrigued?

2) Special Topis in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl - Don’t worry, it isn’t actually a book about physics.

3) The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

Three States Where I Have Lived

1) Ohio

2) Florida

3) Virginia

Three Songs I Can’t Seem to Get Sick Of

1) Michael - Franz Ferdinand

2) Down in a Hole (unplugged) - Alice in Chains

3) Annie’s Song - John Denver  - I know. I know. I don’t get it either.

Three Movies I Can’t Seem to Get Sick Of

1) The Usual Suspects

2) Grosse Point Blank

3) Office Space

Three Movies That I Hated

1) Clifford

2) The Hulk

3) Transformers - Maybe I’m not an 11 year old boy after all.

Three Things I Find Frustrating

1) Potty Training

2) My Palm Pilot is dying and I’ve only had it for six or seven months. Palm’s customer service blows.

3) I still can’t get throught “Free Bird” on Guitar Hero II.

Three Posts That Cracked Me Up this Week

1) This one from I Am Bossy

2) Any of the lolnfl posts on Kissing Suzy Kolber.

3) It’s the picture. The picture of Devra and Mr. Spock slays me. The post is funny too… but that picture.

Three Completely Random things That Make Me Laugh

1) The Hamburglar

2) What’s it Gonna Be?

3) The name Atari Bigby.