Just Part of My Life: A One Act Play

CHARACTERS

ME: A suburban mom

20ISH GUY: a Barnes and Noble Employee

30ISH WOMAN: another Barnes and Noble Employee. Possibly 20ISH GUYS boss.

[A Barnes and Noble in Tampa, Florida. The suburban mom walks into the music section of the store. The 20ISH GUY approaches the new customer.]

20ISH GUY: Can I help you find something ma’am?

ME: Yes. I am looking for the new Dethklok album.

20ISH GUY: [puzzled] Death? Clock? [Trying not to laugh. You he was expecting her to be looking for the Josh Groban Christmas CD.]

ME: [beginning to feel uncomfortable, sort of] Yes. I think it is called the “Dethalbum“. It is a two discs.

20ISH GUY: [goes to the counter and approaches 30ISH WOMAN and a computer. Then, to the woman:] Death Clock? [he starts typing]

ME: I think it is D-E-T-H-K [She stops spelling because she is feeling really stupid.]

30ISH Woman: What is Death Clock?

ME: It is a band from a cartoon. It could be under Metalocalypse.

20ISH Man: What kind of cartoon?

ME: You know, one on Adult Swim. It is about a Death Metal band that is the third largest economy in the world. [At this point she just feels like a lunatic. Wants to leave the store.]

30ISH WOMAN: Here is an adult swim DVD…

20ISH GUY: OH! Dethklok. It’s one word.

ME: [Looking around furtively, just trying to escape.]

30ISH WOMAN: Huh. Okay “The Dethalbum“. We don’t have any, but I can order it for you.

ME: No thanks. I don’t live here.

[Suburban Mom runs away. Employees mock her once she is gone. Suburban Mom feels like an idiot and goes home so that she can tell the internet all about it.]

THE END

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  1. When I worked in a B. Dalton, we each kind of had our specialty areas and handled the ordering for them and questions if we were around. Don’t let them make you feel awkward because they were clueless as to what you were looking for… It’s their job to know, they should feel uncomfortable for not knowing as opposed to the other way around.

  2. I can’t believe the kid didn’t know Metalocalypse. That’s just ridiculous.

  3. Oh, you should have been there when one of my friends tried to buy a copy of David Sedaris’s book Naked at the downtown Borders store.

    To the horror of the salesgirls behind the counter (and to the delight of the male patrons who happened to be nearby), my friend, a cute 25-year-old woman, unwittingly declared, “Hi, I’d like to get Naked.”

  4. The trick is to simply not allow yourself to be embarassed. It’s the other person’s problem if they don’t realize how cool you are.

    Don’t let any smirking youngster make you feel out of your depth; I look like the epitome of a 40ish soccer mom, but have an interest in the Goth subculture. I like to wander into Hot Topic and just be relentlessly old and mainstream at the clerks. Makes ’em uncomfortable.

  5. I would have understood completely.

  6. Now me, I’d have no idea what you meant but I’d expect the 20ish guy to. Anyway. Never make a customer feel like a geek. Rule of thumb.

    Julie
    Using My Words

  7. They probably didn’t mock you, since the CD you were looking for actually exists. They were probably too busy mocking the kind of customers I used to get when I worked for a record store.

    I swear, my hand to God, I am not making this up. I once had a guy call the store and say, “I’m hoping you can help me find a song. It’s a guy, like, singing? And there’s, you know, guitars and stuff through the whole thing.”

    That is ALL HE HAD. He couldn’t even give me a lyric. When I told him I had no clue, he was really disappointed. I wanted to say, “Why don’t you start at the beginning of the singing and guitar-playing tradition and work your way up? You’ll find it eventually.”

  8. you forgot the part where 20ish guy goes home, googles Dethklok and finds your blog. Only to become a subscriber and faithful reader…

  9. Clap, clap, clap! [Wiping tears from eyes.] That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Clap, clap, clap! Encore! Encore! [Planning to stalk Suburban Mom to get her autograph after the show.]

  10. Holy shit, a mother who likes dethklok. You rule, ma’m.

  11. Frank Sucks says:

    You may have become a MILF today…..

    Then again Jenny just called you ma’m….

    Anyway, this is why you order online.

  12. Holly Kim Wilson says:

    LoL! you should never feel embarassed to buy anything.

    Hell, I’m 52, well, 51 when I was looking for it, and I got the Dethalbum and the DVD.

    I even flew from New York to Berkeley, CA to see Dethklok on Nov. 2nd, my 52nd birthday.

    Worth it completely! I am living proof you are forced by Time to get older, but ya don’t gotta grow up!

  13. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    You = Awesome. Matalocalypse is mui bueno, indeed. I had no idea the show’s creators actually pooped out an album.

    This post at Utter Wonder reminded me of you because it involves Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood. I loved that album despite the fact that Vince Neil always struck me as being King of the Douchebags.

    http://www.utterwonder.com/archives/2007/11/november_19th_a.php

  14. This makes me giggle.

  15. Haha. Would have loved to hear their conversation after you left. You are cooler than the 20 year old…

  16. Been there… that’s why I prefer to gather my music from the internets… then no one can laugh at you when you ask for the Corbin Bleu christmas album…

  17. Oh man, that’s brutal.

    I will forever love Metalocalypse because my son loves my (poorly done) Nathan Explosion voice impersonation.

  18. I had my dad pick up Sepultura’s Chaos A.D. after work for me when it came out. He said the people in the store gave him a funny look.

  19. Sort of makes you wish there was still a Peaches, doesn’t it? You KNOW we would have had that in stock. Believe it.

    Shash

    p.s. I’ll call you Friday, I’m in Boston right now.

  20. ROFL. I had the same feeling when I asked about Paul Potts. Not a performer who is well known amongst the young and hip.

  21. Go Surburban Mom!! Booo Barnes and Nobles guy who also does not know about this thing called “customer service”. He may need help spelling that also….

  22. Next time, call the manager and make the sales person look silly- not you!

  23. I think you’re a hip, rockin’ mom! :)

  24. …Dear Kaiser, What the hell is Sarah talking about? XOXOX, Queen

  25. You should’ve said “Umm DETHKLOK….you know DETHKLOK? Everyone is listening to them, they have 5 top 40 hits right now? How can you not know DETHKLOK, GOD Tampa is SOOO provencial……..damn Spaniards…..”

  26. And then Dawn will yell “where is the god damn Vygotsky!” or “I miss Brak, god dammit” and Sarah and Dawn will kick the employees in the gut, storm the cash register and dance out of the store, arm in arm happily ever after.

    The end.

    P.s. They will have left their 3 children to fend for themselves in B&N, forever after becoming the feral bookstore children. The end again.

  27. I had something similar happen once at a music store. You are indeed a HIP MOM!

  28. Tell Flinger we lost Text Link Ads

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