Dear Florence, SC,
In my recent travels I happened briefly upon your fair city and I am left with a few questions for you:
No alcohol on Sundays? At all?
Not even beer?
How do you people watch football?
Your prompt response would be most appreciated.
Love,
Sarah
Say you are on a road trip and you spend one night in a hotel before driving 600 more miles to your destination.
Make damn sure that you have BOTH children’s bears.
Don’t just look under the bed. Be sure to look between the sheets and the comfortor too.
You are welcome.
(Not doing so may cause crying jags, temper tantrums, five days without a teddy bear, $9.75 in COD costs and the loss of your own blankey as a temporary replacement so that your daughter can sleep.)
Do you want to know what rules about being back at the house you grew up in for Thanksgiving?
When your son’s cool new “binoculars”:
Turn out to be your autographed Paul Gilbert (of Mr. Big and Racer X fame) poster, circa Cereal Killer.*
Then your husband makes fun of you a lot for being such a dork.
And you know you deserve it.
- Have a great Thanksgiving.
_____________________
* And yeah, it says: “To Sarah, Twist and Shout”. So I am not the only dork, am I Paul Gilbert?
CHARACTERS
ME: A suburban mom
20ISH GUY: a Barnes and Noble Employee
30ISH WOMAN: another Barnes and Noble Employee. Possibly 20ISH GUYS boss.
[A Barnes and Noble in Tampa, Florida. The suburban mom walks into the music section of the store. The 20ISH GUY approaches the new customer.]
20ISH GUY: Can I help you find something ma’am?
ME: Yes. I am looking for the new Dethklok album.
20ISH GUY: [puzzled] Death? Clock? [Trying not to laugh. You he was expecting her to be looking for the Josh Groban Christmas CD
ME: [beginning to feel uncomfortable, sort of] Yes. I think it is called the “Dethalbum“. It is a two discs.
20ISH GUY: [goes to the counter and approaches 30ISH WOMAN and a computer. Then, to the woman:] Death Clock? [he starts typing]
ME: I think it is D-E-T-H-K [She stops spelling because she is feeling really stupid.]
30ISH Woman: What is Death Clock?
ME: It is a band from a cartoon. It could be under Metalocalypse.
20ISH Man: What kind of cartoon?
ME: You know, one on Adult Swim. It is about a Death Metal band that is the third largest economy in the world. [At this point she just feels like a lunatic. Wants to leave the store.]
30ISH WOMAN: Here is an adult swim DVD…
20ISH GUY: OH! Dethklok. It’s one word.
ME: [Looking around furtively, just trying to escape.]
30ISH WOMAN: Huh. Okay “The Dethalbum“. We don’t have any, but I can order it for you.
ME: No thanks. I don’t live here.
[Suburban Mom runs away. Employees mock her once she is gone. Suburban Mom feels like an idiot and goes home so that she can tell the internet all about it.]
THE END
So, I was in the shower and I had This Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head ”Shea Stadium the radium E M D squared” (which I always thought was Shea Stadium, palladium, EMC2, which is wrong. I looked it up here and they even give you the ‘meaning’ ) and I had a great idea for a post. I would call it “In 3s”. Of course those lyrics are from “The Sounds of Science”, but whatever.
This isn’t actually a meme, but it looks like one. Feel free to use it if you are bored.
Three Books I Finished Reading Recently
1) The Bean Trees – Barbara Kingsolver
2) The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory
Three Books I’m Currently in the middle of Reading
1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling
3) A Clockwork Orange – Anthony Burgess
Three Books I want to Read
1) Snuff – Chuck Palahniuk
2) Special Topis in Calamity Physics – Marisha Pessl
3) The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Three States Where I Have Lived
1) Ohio
2) Florida
3) Virginia
Three Songs I Can’t Seem to Get Sick Of
1) Michael – Franz Ferdinand
2) Down in a Hole (unplugged) – Alice in Chains
3) Annie’s Song – John Denver – I know. I know. I don’t get it either.
Three Movies I Can’t Seem to Get Sick Of
1) The Usual Suspects
2) Grosse Point Blank
3) Office Space
Three Movies That I Hated
1) Clifford
2) The Hulk
3) Transformers – Maybe I’m not an 11 year old boy after all.
Three Things I Find Frustrating
1) Potty Training
2) My Palm Pilot is dying and I’ve only had it for six or seven months. Palm’s customer service blows.
3) I still can’t get throught “Free Bird” on Guitar Hero II.
Three Posts That Cracked Me Up this Week
2) Any of the lolnfl posts on Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3) It’s the picture. The picture of Devra and Mr. Spock slays me. The post is funny too… but that picture.
Three Completely Random things That Make Me Laugh
1) The Hamburglar
3) The name Atari Bigby.
