She is Only 3

I thought I had more time. I really did. I’m not looking forward to the teen years, but I thought I had at least 9 more years to worry about it.

Nope. It happened this morning. Claudia told me that I ruined her entire life. She even said it with perfect angst:

You ruined my entire life! **sob**

You know. It isn’t that I can’t see her point. I did push start on the microwave when she wanted to do it. That is almost as bad as the time my parents wouldn’t let me go to that party at Michael Paul’s house. They made me go to my Grandma’s house instead and that was the moment that I realized that my Mom and Dad stayed up late at night concocting ways to ruin my life.

As a parent, here is my question: If I already ruined her entire life, can I spend the money we were saving for her college on a nice vacation to wine country? I mean, she doesn’t stand a chance at ever being happy again (since I pushed start on the microwave) and Gabe and I would really love to go to visit some vineyards and eat at The French Laundry. What do you think?

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  1. LMAO!!!

    You can’t make this shit up! Our children are the very best source of blog fodder!

  2. That is too funny. Clearly her life is ruined, so I say you head for wine country and have a good time!

  3. See, right there, you’re already a nicer and more optimistic parent than I am. I never bothered starting a college fund – straight into the Therapy Account already.

  4. What in heck were you thinking, actually pushing a button yourself? You are a bad, bad mom, and you totally ruined her entire life.

    You are now *required* to go seek solace in wine country.

  5. I would love to try the French Laundry. My only fear is since it is in all of the foodie magazines, that it couldn’t possibly be as good as advertised.

  6. Basically, yes. Since you’ve already destroyed her happiness you may as well have a good time!

    I’m pretty sure there is still room on the Italian cruise we’re going on. I’m told the Italians make some pretty darn good wine, and there is a stop in Monaco for a day.

  7. Holy Crap, I’ve been hearing that for a while now too…Isn’t it so lovely?

  8. So far I’m only ruining Robey’s days. He says, “I’m having a really bad day with you,” or I had a bad day with Daddy this morning …” also over the littlest things.

  9. Speaking from experience, it’s only just begun.

  10. You might be able to get a reservation for dinner at 4:30pm sometime next July if you call now.

    Try Bistro Jeanty in Yountville. I had a meal there several years ago that made me cry, it was just that good.

  11. If you call now, you can probably get a reservation for right about when Claudia finishes college. Maybe it’s not either/or.

    I seem to recall a certain triangle-playing, Happy Birthday-singing prodigy. Can’t she get a full scholarship for that kind of talent?

  12. I think it’s absolutely an option. I mean, seriously? How many MORE times during the course of her life are you going to push “Start” on the microwave? If it’s already ruined, you’ve got nothing more to worry about! Voila!

  13. I like this plan. Maybe all we life-ruiners can go to wine country, eat at French Laundry and stay at L’Auberge?? Mine is 4 and I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve ruined EVERYTHING!

  14. Who knew that pushing the start button would be such a catastrophic, live altering event. I say you need the vacation. Go for it.

  15. I am sorry to announce that you are the worst parent ever.
    I recently pushed an elevator button, in a similar fashion so I know of which I speak.
    My only real question is can I come with you wine country and is it in bad teaste to get drunk there?

  16. Microwave, huh?

    You know, I don’t think culinary school is anywhere near as expensive as college. She could open her own five-star restaurant.

  17. Have you experience the eye-roll yet? That is awesome too. I have already heard that I am the meanest dragon ever. I’d say just get drunk at your house.

  18. Our 3 year old struggles with the “r” sound. So – I am lucky because I have only “Wuined” her life.
    However, She won’t be my fwiend anymore.
    Don’t ask about the 4 year old. :)

  19. It’s just a darned good thing you didn’t push the start button on the dishwasher!

  20. KGOY

    Kids Growing Older Younger….

    Very funny post….

    Maybe she would like to go with you to the wine country?

  21. I’ve ruined my daughter’s life several times already. I like your idea. When she complains I’ll tell her she shouldn’t complain–SHE’s the one who disowned me!

  22. I’d love to tell you to go to winde country but if you don’t send her to college she’ll just stay at home forever. and that will ruin everyone’s life! LOL

    I love how dramatic they become, so early in their careers as children. My son used to tell me – “you’re killing me” or – “you are destroying my ENTIRE world” – apparently I had amazing powers.

  23. Nice work! I have been trying to ruin Raisin’s life for almost 4 years now, and without success. I came close when I flushed the toilet for her the other day, though.

  24. I’m sorry, because I know how those moments suck if you’re the mother. But that is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

  25. Oh, just wait a couple of hours. She will be telling you that you are the best mommy ever or this is the best day of her life, just like my 4 year old does shortly after declaring her life to be ruined.

  26. fun stuff. i say take the trip anyway. oh and dont ram this in her face when she’s a grown up, k? my mom was trying to rub it in that i said i’d never fly (i was 17 and hormone ridden), it’s like gee, mom, thanks, I’ve gone to college, gotten married, and grown up quite a bit since then, oh and since i almost died 2 years ago, i’m not quite as afraid of things as i used to be.. bub bye..


  27. Is your comments section new? Way cool….

    Three years old and already she hates her Mom! :0 (I kid! She loves you!)

    I think Dawson hates me, too. He says I’m mean because I don’t let him watch SpongeBob “all the time because I like it.”

  28. You are obviously the Worst Mommy Ever! I say put on your party shoes!

  29. I’d ask to come along, but it sounds like you already have a busload of fellow “Ruinous Mommies” to go with you. Enjoy wine country! Send me a postcard!

  30. wait, she’s already three and you haven’t spent her college money yet? what are you waiting for?!

  31. I’m scared to get our girls together. Mia regularly says “I DONT’ LOVE YOU!” when she is being punished. Can you say attitude?

    I say go to French Laundry, the food and alcohol there are much better than dining hall slop and PBR. Um, not that I ever drank in college.

  32. That’s it, I’m calling DCF.

  33. Take the money and run, sister.

  34. My daughter recently screamed at me that she wished she could be adopted by a mother who didn’t suck as much as me.

    It was a shiny proud moment for me.

    Kids, the gift that just keeps on giving.

  35. Welcome to the club of life-ruiners! As for French Laundry, hell yes! 😉

  36. Oh you just wait. This weekend, I danced on a chair at the museum of science JUST to embarras my child and her friends and also (albeit at different times)uttered the words: lots of people eat grilled cheese sandwiches ketchup and live so shut it and eat, already.

    Sometimes, the mere fact that I breathe air is enough to make her die of humiliation. And she’s only 8.

  37. Heh, better to start ruining her life earlier rather than later. That way when she shouts it as an angst-y teen, you can remind her that you already ruined her life when she was 3 and you pushed the start button on the microwave.

  38. Yes, you will ruin her entire life about 5,000 more times before she leaves your house, so you might as well keep saving for that college fund. You’ll need it to get her out of the house.

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