A Post About Sleep Quickly Degenerates Into Another Essay About Urine

I don’t know what is going on. Maybe it is the weather, maybe I am getting sick, or maybe I’ve been drinking too much red wine but I have been sleeping unusually soundly.

For the past week or so I have been waking up with at least one limb totally asleep. It is as if I haven’t moved in hours.

Last night Ian woke me up because he wanted water. I went and got him something to drink and I stopped in the bathroom on my way back to bed.

Now I don’t know if I fell back to sleep while I was peeing or what, but I do know this: I got confused as to which bathroom I was in.

How is that even possible? It isn’t as if I have 12 bathrooms in my house. There are just the two of them upstairs and only one of them is connected to my bedroom.

That is the kind of sleeping people do when they end up peeing in a rocking chair in the middle of the night. (I know someone who did that once. Forgive him, he was just a little kid.)

That reminds me of a hilarious story. During my last semester of college I lived with my friends Tammy and Ritch. Tammy was in grad school and she had a job but Ritch and I were only taking one class during the Summer B session so we had a lot more free time on our hands.

One night Ritch and I went out for nickel beer night. (Not as destructive as quarter pitcher night, but still…) The bar itself was fairly uneventful but according to Tammy, Ritch got out of bed that night and urinated right in the corner of their bedroom. She saw the whole thing go down.Calvin Pees on France

I’m sorry to bring it up again because I know Tammy is still mad (and this was 13 years ago. Dear God I’m getting old.) but it cracks me up every single time I think about it.

Oh! Quick informal poll: How many of you know somebody that has gotten drunk and peed on their tv? I know two people that did it and Gabe knows one. You would think it would be a less common phenomenon.

Wasn’t I just talking about sleep? What happened? My posts always seem to end up being about bodily functions. I’d like to apologize to each and every one of you.

Sorry about that.

So tell me a funny pee story. Or retell me the one about Najeh Davenport pooping in a hamper. That one never gets old.

__________

The lovely ladies over at MamaPop (being one man down since HBM had her baby yesterday) asked me if I would write a guest post. Who am I to refuse a platform to complain about Hell’s Kitchen and profess my love for Top Chef?

You can find me over there late this morning.

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  1. My freshman year in college, my suite-mate’s boyfriend walked into my room in the middle of the night, opened up a dresser drawer, peed in it, walked over and turned my tv off, then left. I saw the whole thing. The police made him pay me $85 and his mom came to campus with him to give me the check and she apologized profusely and told him to apologize and he said, “sorry.” That was it. Like a three year old. It was great.

  2. Not on the television, but I got drunk one night and peed in a Rubbermaid tote in our guest room. My husband went to check on me and when he walked in the room, I waved and said, “Hi!” with a big smile on my face. I didn’t believe him until he showed me the tote (now placed in the garage) with urine still in it.

    I don’t get that drunk anymore.

  3. Frank Sucks says:

    Dresser Drawer.. check
    Potted Plant… Check.

    Me? Only outside on a church. Presbyterian I think.

  4. In college, I had a roommate who could chug a bottle of beer in as many seconds as it took to pour out. It was impressive since she just opened her throat and whoosh.
    She got drunk and peed in a basket of clean clothes once. Thank God they were her own.

  5. Dan and I used to work with a guy who had moved down to southwest Michigan basically to party with his high school friends (he wasn’t in college, and he’d lived there a few months without having a job.) Every night he used to get drunk and pee on his living room carpet. Every night. I can’t even fathom how his roommates used to put up with this.

    I went out with him and some other people from work once for somebody’s birthday. He drank so much that it was absolutely mind-boggling. He didn’t own a car, so when the bar closed he walked home. I don’t have any idea how he managed to stand upright at that point, since he had drank probably five pitchers and at least a dozen shots by this point.

  6. I once had a girlfriend of mine who got up in a “one night stand’s” room and sat on the corner of his bed and peed, thinking she was in a bathroom at her house…
    She left before he ever woke up in the morning!!!

  7. I know no one who peed on a tv, but according to Mom, my brother peed in my snowboots when we were little. He was sober, one presumes. Just sleepy.

  8. When I was ten and my brother was six, my family moved for the first time. We’d been living in our new house for about a month and I had the neighbor over to spend the night. He woke up in the middle of the night to pee, he sleep walked into my room (the door BEFORE the bathroom) and PEED ON MY FRIEND, who was sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. She never stayed over again.

  9. I’m just happy that there was no cell phone video, youTube, MySpace, or any other internet outlets for humiliation distribution when I was in college…

    BUT when my girls were little I drove around with a plastic training potty in the back of the SUV and would just pull over and let them drop trough whenever the need would strike. Of course the thing always spilled when I turned a corner. Just eww.

  10. A friend of mine was a pledge in a fraternity at Dartmouth. The house had a party, he got wasted, and peed in the corner in some dude’s room (apparently this room frequently got peed in, not sure why). Well, as a pledge, he obviously had to be punished. The guy in whose room he peed was an avid hunter, and made him wear deer antlers around his neck for a week. Whenever anyone asked him why he was wearing deer antlers, he had to respond with the following prepared remarks:

    “Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, the North American White Tailed deer…” yadda yadda “…marks its territory with various forms of excrement. I, too, like the North American White Tailed deer, feel the need to mark my territory with various forms of excrement.”

    The best part is that he had a class presentation that week. And the professor asked him why in the hell he was wearing deer antlers around his neck.

    “Well, I’m glad you asked…”

  11. When my sister and were younger we shared a room. To get to the bathroom you went out of our room and turned left right into the bathroom door (well, hopefully the door was OPEN and you didn’t slam into it). When she was 6 she moved down the hall. She got up one night to pee. Left her bedroom door and turned to the right. She sat down and peed.

    All well and good, except that she had turned into my brothers room. And sat on his mattress. And peed. While he watched and screamed for my mom.

    It was AWESOME!

  12. Yes, “left right” is a direction. Dur! I’m blonde. And Polish. I have many excuses. I’m also a Gemini. The TRIFECTA!

  13. Oh my…
    Closet
    Bathtub..where I also slept the rest of the night

  14. My ex peed in the closet and his friend not once, but twiced peed in our living room! First time he stood on the coffee table and let it fly, and the second time he tried out the closed window!

  15. I peed on a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) platform one night after an A’s game. Yes, I was drunk.

    One night when he was probably 6 or so, the boy got up, took off all his clothes and sleep-peed on his sisters floor.

    “NOOOOO!” <— me upon discovering him.

  16. Almost forgot…my friend tried to pee on an endtable, we caught her in mid-act and ushered her towards the bathroom. She stopped in the kitchen and squatted there, where I shoved a tupperware bowl under her bum.

  17. my brother used to sleep walk.
    and pee in weird places, a closet – the fridge- and once on the sleeping cat.

  18. A friend of my boyfriend’s peed in the middle of my living room floor one night in college. Right in front of my best friend. And he didn’t even remember it or own up to it the next day!

  19. I once broke up with a guy in college after he peed in my bedroom closet, not once but twice. And he never offered to even clean it up!

  20. I have TWO funny pee stories.

    Once, The Boy was in trouble for something and we sent him to his room for a time out and after we closed the door to his room, HE PEED ON THE DOOR. I think he was three. I had a hard time not laughing.

    The next one just happened and I just blogged about it. I was in the shower and he comes in and says he has to go potty. I hear him lift the lid and I hear him flush and then he leaves. A few second later he comes in and says he needs to change his shorts because they are wet. I peeked out of the shower and said, “How did they get wet?” I saw that the crotch area was soaked and I said, “Didn’t you just go potty? Where were you sitting when this happened?” He said he wasn’t sitting anywhere and assured me nothing in my bedroom or his bedroom was wet (I checked later and nothing was wet). He said he didn’t know how this happened because he just went potty in the toilet. I asked him if he forgot to pull down his shorts before he went potty. He thought for a second and then said yes. So he basically just stood in front of the toilet and peed in his shorts!

  21. I don’t know anyone who got drunk and peed on a TV. However, an old roommates boyfriend once came to stay the night, got piss-ass drunk, and confused her basket of clean laundry with the toilet. I thought it was hysterical. Her? Not so much.

  22. My Hubby has drunkenly peed in the corner of our bedroom before. (Pre-kids, mind you. Because now we’re RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. Heh.)
    The sound woke me up because he was peeing on one of those square plastic bleacher seat cushion things. It sounded like raindrops on the roof.

  23. Melissa says:

    Oh, this brings back memories. My roommate’s boyfriend (now husband so we still have lots of opportunities to bring this up) was well-known for his ability to mistake various corners of the dorm room for a urinal. One unforgettable night, while in an altered state, he swore that as a member of the Canadian Secret Service he would protect the whole dormitory from the invaders…and proceeded to pee in a basket holding the other roommate’s hair accessories.

  24. The television? No, but Mr. Hot once got up, walked around the bed to the window (which, to be fair, was about the same height as the window in the ACTUAL bathroom), leaned on the sill (like he did in the ACTUAL bathroom) and peed all over the bedroom floor.

    And I watched the whole thing. And I couldn’t stop him because I was so fascinated by his deliberate actions.

  25. I’m not mad anymore. Besides, he didn’t pee in the corner, he stood at the end of the bed & peed in the middle of the floor. I was really just mad that he woke me up. Oh yeah, also his wonderful way of cleaning, which was throwing some laundry detergent on it & vacuuming.

    Teaching kindergarten, I could give you a lot of pee stories (but none of them drunken). Ritch is still impressed by the “ladies” that peed on I-4…

  26. RubiaLala, I’ve just read that second story three times, and every time I laugh out loud.

  27. ok here goes! It sure wasn’t funny at the time. However my husband would beg to differ. It was about 3 years ago. My daughter and a bunch of her friends (8) of them decided to go to six flags which was almost in conn. We had just bought a new buisness, My dog had a stroke or something. I was over tired from working 16 hour days, I was upset because it was 3 am and my kid wasn’t home ane my dog was dieing who was as old as my kid. I woke up in the middle of the night disoriented and crying. my husband asked me if i was ok! The nerve of him! And i said no sobbing. My whole right side was SOAKED I mean soaked. I said to him I think I wet the bed!! I was a mess. Took me a few minutes to figure out our 15 year old water bed decided to spring a leak! And that in order to pee myself where I did I would have to be a man! needless to say he has not let me forget this! MEN someday I think they suck! lol

  28. OK, first I have to say I really enjoyed these stories. I’m SO entertained by potty humor, it’s just sad.

    Second, here’s my story (apologies in advance if I gross anyone out). One time in high school we went on a school camping trip. I had brought the biggest tent so a bunch of us crammed in there together. I mean, we were packed in. One of my classmates woke up in the middle of the night, was apparently too groggy to realize where he was, and promptly SHIT all over the floor. The runny kind, not just a nugget or two! Then he woke up enough to realize where he was, he covered the shit with his sleeping bag and left the tent! While the rest of us were still sleeping. Needless to say we woke up to some foul odors.

    I was one of the people sleeping right next to him. Guess who figured out what the smell was?

  29. A friend of mine and her husband had just moved into a new house. In the old house, they turned right out of their bedroom to get to the bathroom. In the new house, if you turned right out of the bedroom you ended up in the living room.

    Shortly after they moved in, her hubby woke up in the middle of the night and turned right out of the bedroom. He proceeded to walk to the sofa, lift a cushion, pee, and then set the cushion back down.

    It took two days of “what’s that smell?” to figure out what happened. At least he was a gentleman and lifted the “seat”! :)

  30. I have vague memories of someone (male) peeing onto the top of the stove. Did this happen in my presence or was it a story someone told me or did it almost happen but didn’t? Too many brain cells lost. I know for sure that a girl named Molly pooped in my back yard. That was the same night that the dwarf/little person danced on the coffee table.

  31. hilarious toilet stories? read here: http://laradavid.blogspot.com/2007/10/toilet-humor.html.

    you’re welcome.

  32. Someone I know very well and who may share a last name with me got really drunk one night and peed in a box in the corner of our room. When I woke up and shouted at him that he was not actually peeing in the toilet, he walked into the bathroom and finished up by peeing in the sink. Nice.

  33. Similar to your story, I had two roommates in college who were also a couple. The boy of the pair was a loveable, screw-off, party boy and still in college, and the girl was newly graduated and trying to be all responsible and shit at her brand new social work job. One night, all of us besides Ms. Responsible went out and got wasted. Sometime very early the next morning, the party boy got up, walked straight over to a chair in the corner of their room and pissed all over a pile of her case files.

    I’m cracking up right now remembering the sound of her FREAKING OUT and how she still does not think this story is funny.

  34. I have no funny pee stories! I need to make new friends!

  35. Never slept walk peed…but drunk peed? Freaking everywhere…many a rhododendron has been marked by my beer fueled urine emergencies.

    Downtown parks, under the skytrain, you name..I probably peed there!

  36. I have a friend whose son woke up in the night and peed in her refrigerator. While she was holding a tupperware party.

    I think that beats everyone.

  37. I have not laughed that hard in a long time…..

    I once had an ex get so drunk that he pissed in the bed we were sleeping in. Not nearly as entertaining as Kelley’s storing.

    Delurking here…..just had to share.

  38. That was supposed to say Kelley’s story. Dang typos.

  39. I was at my dad’s house once- maybe I was in 4th? grade- but all I rememeber was that I was SICK. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching a Celts game (GO CELTICS!) and awakened to my dad screaming at me. Apparently, I had walked into his kitchen, sat in a chair and started to pee. Clothes on and everything. I wasn’t drunk, but I was febrile and ahllucinating, so there’s that.

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