Then I Turned into a Lioness

The Goon Squad and I were on our way to the grocery store today when I found myself in one of those predicaments.tailgating

Somebody was tailgating me.

I don’t mean the awesome party before the football game with beer and bratwurst. I mean the kind where some punk in a tiny little midlife crisis Saturn Sky was all up in my business. He was waaaaaay to close. I could hardly see him in my rear view mirror.

So I did what any would would do. I slowed down.

We played that game for about one minute and then – in a wide, but only one lane in each direction street – he passed me on the right.

I was pissed. For one thing he turned into a shopping center parking lot about 1/10th of a mile later but also, and more importantly, my children were in the car.

Then I turned into the lioness.

lioness_protectecting_cubsI used to be a very confrontational person. I used to pick fights with strangers. I mean, only if I had a reason, but I was never one to let things go. Then I had twins and I learned about patience.

So anyway, I was mad at this douche who put our lives in danger so he could be cool and pass me.

So I followed his little green convertible ass into the parking lot. And I followed him to his spot.

And then I blocked him into his parking spot and rolled down my window.

Then I waited while he put up the top to his car.

“Hey! That was really dangerous, and I want you to know I have two little kids in my car and you could have killed us.”

“I…uh… sorry. I late to flight.”

“You could have seriously hurt somebody.”

“I sorry. I lose my flight.”

“You are late to for flight? So you stopped at the Micro Center?

He nodded.

“You have plenty of time to put the top up on your car but you had to PASS ME IN MY LANE? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY DRIVING LIKE THAT!”

He apologized again, but what a jackass. What I didn’t tell him was that my Minivan could have smashed his little plastic car and had I been alone in my big steel vehicle I would have attempted to run him off the road.

Because I am PMSing. And that would have been hilarious.

But I seriously think what made me so mad was that the kids were in the car with me. He risked the lives of my children. It is my job to protect them and I feel like I did that today.

And I know I am a good mother because I didn’t go key his car after he went into the store.

That would have set a bad example.

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  1. I really don’t like people sometimes.

    Last week this guy was tailgating me on my road (residential street) gesturing wildly as if I had wronged him the recent past. You know what I’m talking about? Throwing his hands up in the air and banging them on the steering wheel. Slowing down and then SPEEEDING up to be THIS close to my bumper.

    But there is NO way I could’ve wronged him, because he wasn’t behind me two minutes prior, and all I had done was turn right on the “main” road to my road.

    It angered me so because my son was in the car, and being that he was in a huge truck and I was in my hatchback, he could CLEARLY see that.

    I’m still not over it. Can you tell? I regret not following him when he finally turned and yelling at him. I’ll just live vicariously through you and pretend I did.

  2. Oh, I wish I had done that last time some jerkoff did the old, whip around me really fast at a green light, shaking his head at me because apparently my reflexes are too slow to launch into action THE VERY MILLISECOND the light turns green every time. He was SO cool.

    And I didn’t even have the kids with me. I just hated his cocky face.

  3. You’re better than me. I would have thrown an empty coffee cup at him. Emphasis on the “empty” because, dude, throwing a full one would be wasteful.

  4. I still want to rip the &^%#$% out of his care after he threw a fit because I wasn’t taking a right on red with the NO RIGHT ON RED sign right in front of me.

  5. Not to burst your bubble or anything, but wouldn’t it have been safest for your cubs had you not gone into the parking lot after him at all?

    Says the guy who would have done the same thing, except probably not the whole not-keying his car thing.

  6. OMG, I hate jerks like that. If someone is tailgating me on a multi-late road I usually just switch lanes and let them pass. However, one time this jerk was flashing his lights at me and riding my bumper, so I slowed down. We get to the next traffic light and it turns out this motherfucker is a cop, in a squad car (I couldn’t tell, what with the high beams searing my retinas) and he started yelling at me that I made him late for a call. Dude, if you were racing to a call, you should have put on your blue lights and I would have moved into a turn lane. Don’t give me that all bullshit when you’re being a bully. I think I lost respect for most of our local law enforcement at that point.

  7. mRROOw.
    You’re sexy when you’re contemplating murder and vandalism.

  8. Well! I am mighty proud of you for being a Grownup and Setting a Good Example! (That’s why I don’t have children. No good at example-setting, at least the Good kind.)

  9. UGH. I hate when people do that. Particularly when it is to somewhere like WalMart when there’s no real reason they should be in a super hurry to get there. Congrats on not keying his car.

  10. My first instinct is to always slow down and tap my breaks when someone is tailgating me because it is irritating. And you’re only going to get to your destination a half second before me so CALM THE EFF DOWN, IMPATIENT DRIVER.

    It is just rude.

  11. Aprylsantics says:

    That is exactly what I think paintball guns should be for.

  12. You roar girl!

  13. I am not a confrontational person, either.

    BUT. This weekend I was driving to the grocery store (Wegmans, natch) and was on a two-lane road. It was somewhat backed up, so there were 10 or so cars all in a line, going way below the speed limit. The road came to an intersection and widened out to 3 lanes, one in each direction and a turn lane going through the intersection. Suddenly this red car whips out from behind me and passes me and about 6 other cars, using the turn lane(s). He was actually driving down the WRONG SIDE of the road as he passed everyone and THEN he cut off a dump truck.

    I muttered some unkind comments under my breath, but kept driving. Until I pulled up next to him at the next intersection.

    He had his 2 kids in the car. They were 9 and 13. I’m pretty sure they weren’t wearing seat belts.

    I lost it. I rolled my window down and started yelling at him.

    His response? “I’m a professional truck driver, ma’am.”

    All the more reason he shouldn’t be driving like that. Asshole.

  14. Yikes. I’m with the Kettle person up there in saying it was way more dangerous for you and your kids that you stopped to yell at the guy. People get shot for that. Tis called road rage, I believe.


  15. Can you tell RTK and I are in L.A.? They’ll shoot you for that shit- of course anyone driving one of those cars is probably more of a mid-life, little penis type (again, see RTK), but still.

  16. You’re PMSing and he got away without a scratch?

    Age has a way of mellowing people.

    (Yes, I know that’s rude. Please be gentle)

  17. Dude, nothing makes my husband more angry than tailgaters with the moosh is in the car.
    Papa Bear, he iz.

  18. Oh I’ve wanted to do what you did SO many times. The worst I’ve ever done was raise my voice at a lady for leaving her dog in the car in the heat. Some people are just too stupid to live.

  19. I swear the metro area has the worlds biggest douche bag drivers. I’ve learned to become so defensive and agressive just to not get hit I am a real piece of work in the 5 stoplight town in the Midwest where I grew up! Congrats for giving him a piece of your mind.

  20. I know exactly what you mean. I hate those people who think their time is more valuable than anyone else’s AND who don’t give a damn that they are driving a large, dangerous vehicle. It makes me really angry. Good for you for speaking up to him. And for being civilized while you did it.

  21. Now that I’m a mother, I completely understand where you’re coming from. Good for you for having the cohones to confront him!

  22. Running down and confronting bad motorists is sort of my hobby (I’m a bike commuter), so I appreciate what you did here.

    P.S. – you have the most awesome banner I’ve seen. Are you a web designer?

  23. See..I would have been chicken shit cause I would have assumed the guy had a gun and he was gonna pop my ass.
    Oh crap, I’ve lived in the city WAY too long.

  24. I think the best non-keying response would have been to hide your recently begifted bag-o-ham way deep in one of his wheel wells — maybe jam it up into his car’s undercarriage.

    ESPECIALLY if, in fact, he was driving to the airport. And would leave his car parked in the hot sunshine for several days.

    Revenge is a dish best served with rotten ham.

  25. Good for you. He wasn’t “late for flight.” He was an asshole with an entitlement complex.

  26. I would have keyed his car! lol! But I am a vendictive woman so thats just me!

  27. Note to self: Don’t piss off Sarah.

    Stupid drivers are one of my pet peeves, especially when the kids are in the car.

  28. I’m guessing he was a foreigner?*

    *Xenophobic and jingoistic comment of the day.

  29. You know what’s good for people like that? A little cat poop under the door handle…..except only the truly freaky carry around cat poop for this purpose.

    You just shmear a little under the handle so that when they grab it well… know…….they get a treat.

    Of course really doing this involves following them home, then going BACK to your house to GET some cat poop……

    but you get the idea.

  30. I like the way you think! lol. I commend you for actually doing something about it too.

    You’re more mature than I am though. I would have not only keyed his car but let my teens do it too. LMFAO. j/k

  31. I wish I could say that I would have done the same – but I probably would have just muttered “asshole” under my breath and then checked to make sure the kids didn’t hear it.

    The truth is that I’m kind of terrified of road rage situations. But maybe if my children were threatened… I admire your bravery.

  32. I’m glad he apologized.
    Many people that I have confronted are indignant.

  33. eonnie hout says:

    You are PMSing? That is an excuse? He may have been an idiot but you are everything about a woman that just spells bitch. Give me a break. OOOOOO I had a bad poop this morning so I should be able to smash your car.

  34. yikes. i hate it when people run up on me too close. lately my hubby has taken to tailgating people that switch lanes with little to no room AND NO TURN SIGNAL and then slow down and dont keep up with traffic ahead. Unfortunately, I’m not brave enough to remind him that if they DID go ahead and slam on their brakes, it would be his fault because he was driving too closely. He knows better, it just pisses him off, 2 wrongs dont make a right, but I’m pretty sure I dont want to tell him that when he’s in that situation, after all, I’m pissed off enough because I’m preggo and dont want those idiots cutting in front of me with little to no time. But I’d rather it be their fault for the accident and not ours.. anyway, good post.

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