You Reap What You Sew

We are on a 16 hour road trip and Claudia has a fever.

She refuses to take medicine.

Let me explain that Claudia always refuses to take medicine unlike her brother (and mother, to be honest) who will take medicine just because someone else is sick and it tastes good and/or makes you feel better. In fact yesterday when she was first ill we had this awesome fight where she refused to take some Tylenol to bring down the fever and I (being the mature lady that I am) threatened to take her to the hospital instead where they would surely give her an IV and when that didn’t work I told her if she let the fever get to high her brain could boil.

Even though she didn’t believe any of my threats her brother has been going around for about 20 hours now telling people that his sister had brain damage which is kind of a hilarious side effect.

Back to today – we are somewhere in the middle of Tennessee. I am in the car with both children and my Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law and Claudia has a fever. She is very rosy cheeked and hot. She is sad and has a headache. We decide to stop at the first place we see (in this case a Wal-Mart. Apparently Tennessee is infested with Wal-Marts. Seriously they are omnipresent here.) and we stop to buy something that will help get rid of the headache and fever.

I seriously take her into this Super Wal-Mart and name every single flavor of every single children’s fever medication known to man. She hates them all. We finally decide on some dye-free Tylenol business that she used to take when she was a baby. It seemed that this was the closest to her favorite medicine – stool softener – which is the only medicine that Claudia will take orally.

No. The irony is not lost on me.

We get to the parking lot and Claudia is already crying even though her Grandmother is carrying her. After all three adults try unsuccessfully to get her to drink a teaspoon of medicine that tastes like candy I resort to more threats.

“If you don’t drink that by the time I count to three I am going to walk right back in that store and buy the kind of medicine that goes in your butt.”

And inexplicably she agree to this.

Twenty minutes later, after consulting with pharmacists and being led on wild goose chases by pharmacy techs I return empty handed. While it is very clear what I need it turns out that this particular Wal-Mart doesn’t carry it.

I go back to the car empty handed.* To which Claudia replies, under her breath “How unfortunate.”

MY FOUR YEAR OLD HAS A VERY STRONG GRASP OF SARCASM. She is also quite strong in vocabulary.

As I told Devra years ago (before my own children could talk this well) smartassery begets smartassery.

I have reaped what I have sown. I accidentally taught my four year old daughter to be a sarcastic bitch.

I also accidentally raised someone who would rather have something shoved up her ass than do something much more pleasant against her will.

We are so screwed when she becomes a teenager.

* Where my children were having this argument “She said she choosed the pharmacy.” “No! I said I choosed the suppository!”

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  1. oh boy, i bet she has the same thing gabriel had. i hope she feels better. i am glad i am not the only mom who lays those threats on their kid. i caught myself telling him the other day that if he didn’t eat i would have to take him to the dr to get an iv. he pretty much hates anything that i ask him to do. you know, eat, sleep, pee, etc….

    good luck, hope the rest of the trip goes well.

  2. Holy crap that’s funny. And my sympathies.

  3. I hope the rest of the trip goes well. I suggest that you do what we do with the Tyrant and offer a “chaser” usually of her favorite juice in a very small glass that only has one swallow in it. That way, she can’t trick us by spitting the medicine back in the glass. Yeah, we are teaching her to take medicine like shots and it will probably be really bad when she is older, but it is effective.

    Also, I feel your pain, all three of my girls are perfect little smart-asses.

  4. OMG, that made me laugh so hard I nearly peed myself. I am all for hiding it in a little juice or forbidden beverage that she would drink all of. I have a 4 y.o. who makes stuff up so she could have some medicine.

  5. Is it really easier to shove something up an unwilling child’s butt than into an unwilling child’s mouth?

  6. She’s got quite the iron will, huh? The “how unfortunate” sounds like something my daughter would say–guess I’m a little sarcastic too.

  7. This had me rolling. She is going to rule over her brother with an iron fist with that sarcastic nonchalance by the time they hit middle school.

    I don’t know what it is with little kids and butts. Up until about age 7, my son frequently chose to have a thermometer shoved up his ass instead of just holding it under his tongue.

  8. Oh I am in for it in two years. I am a professional sarcasmist. (like that, I just made it up…) Yes siriee at the tender age of 2+ she is boss, sassy and greedy. I just can’t wait for the sarcasm to start. Just can’t wait.

    And good luck with the butt thing. I would pin my kid down (have before) and make her take it. I may get blood curdling screams for a good 2 minutes but maybe it’s harder with a four year old…

  9. Aaaagh! She sounds like my 17 yo that refuses to learn how to swallow a pill, will cry and whine about a “leparous rash” (her words) but won’t go to the doctor, and will not even take liquid Tylenol for cramps that bring on tears.

    Yes, she’s the one that wants to be a doctor.

    Good luck with that. I see, er live your future. It’s not pretty.

  10. That is funny! My daughter is the same way. She’s just too clever for her own good.

  11. Bwaaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaa!!!

    I am laughing because you are right.

    Start stocking up on wine babe, cause teenage years with a smart mouth teen (to match your own) is a bumpy ride!

  12. yeah. i’ve had hubby pin one todler down while I pinch the nose and shovel the ‘offending’ sugar laden sweet tasting medicine down the throat. ‘sigh’!

  13. “how unfortunate”

    Thanks, I got coffee up my nose, and on my monitor.

    I love sarcasm, and when it comes out of one so young, it’s even better, as long as I’m not the one the sarcasm is being directed at, then it loses it’s humor of course. You are gonna have fun with her.

  14. Hilarious!

    I guess I lucked out that my two boys will suck on that medicine dropper/cup until they can’t get another drop out! And my daughter takes it but isn’t happy about it.

    And we’re a sarcastic family too – so I know how you feel on that.

    Good luck with the rest of your trip. Hope she feels better.

  15. Ice bath. When you get to Hot Springs, buy a couple of bags of ice, fill up a tub with cold water, and then offer Claudia the choice: ice bath or a coupla tablespoons of kid Tylenol.

  16. Dump some ice water over her head and see how she likes that.

  17. I love this post!

  18. Oh yeah. You’re totally screwed.

  19. It will only get worse as they get older… and yes, “smartassery begets smartassery” as I am in the same boat. Whenever one of my kids says something smart, my wife immediately says, ‘What do you expect, she’s your daughter.’

    I don’t think the circle can be broken…

  20. What a funny story!

    I too have twins (6 year old boys) and one is a lot like me which is why we butt heads all the time. He was also one to NOT want to take the medication. It was always me pinning him down by and holding his nose so that he would swallow the medication. Most of the time it just ended up all over my face.

    Good luck with the rest of the drive and I hope she starts to feel better soon.

  21. yes. i’ve begot(?)begotten(?) three smart asses. 😉

  22. “smartassery begets smartassery” … wiser words have ne’er been uttered.

  23. So…did she also inherit this proclivity for shoving things up her ass? I mean, it’s none of my business but I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s curious.

  24. omg, the sassy kills me. with laughter.

    mine kinda get sarcasm. it’s a 50-50 shot most of the time though.

  25. Louis informed his grandmother that the kindergarten teachers are “obsessed” with coloring and drawing.

    Exactly, our smartassery has it’s own gene I swear.

  26. I live and die by Gatorade + medicine + flavor drops. Otherwise, it would be a lot of suppositories. (Though my son is starting to come around to the chewables.)

    That is some amazingly entertaining sarcasm. (My sympathies.)

  27. Geez, that’s one stubborn girl you’ve got there. I used to hate taking meds when I was a kid, too, but they didn’t have anywhere NEAR the selection of flavors they have now. Still remember that awful “orange” flavor of baby aspirin. Blecch.

  28. You ARE screwed when she’s a teenager, but on the plus side, I’m sure she’ll make an awesome adult. Thanks for stopping by!

  29. Love that story. We went through the same thing when my daughter was almost two, she would spit cherry tylenol across the room. She had a fever over 100, and was miserable so the doctor told us to get the suppositories, I think it was called Feverall? It was a horrible experience putting the little white bullet up her tiny tush. I felt like a rapist because she screamed the whole time and I had to hold her down. I don’t know if it was worth it,but I guess she felt better??

  30. My 4 year old does those sarcastic lines all the time. I can’t fault him for it because I know he learned it from me.

    I hope she’s doing better now!

  31. That is too funny! I’m sure it was not funny at the time. But “how unfortunate” has got to be the funniest thing to come out of a four-year olds mouth.

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