The Sex Talk

My brother is almost exactly three years younger than me. If you do the math my mom got pregnant when I was two.

When I was was two I asked my dad where babies came from and he told me.

In great detail.

My mother was mortified that my father told me about sex when I was two, but I never remember being surprised by any of it. Now my mom thinks it was great that he told me when I was too young to be completely grossed out.

When my kids were two I told them about sex – and periods – a c-sections. They seemed to be okay with all of it.

Then I discovered the downside of explaining great life lessons to two year olds.

Ian completely forgot.

I forget a lot of things (just ask my husband) but I did not forget the talk. I was traumatized when I had to explain to them that the doctor cut them out of me even though it didn’t seem to bother them at all.

So two nights ago when Ian almost slammed the toilet seat down on his penis I didn’t think twice about telling him to be careful because he only got one penis and he needed it to pee and to make babies.

He told me only girls made babies.

This is when I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor explaining that while, yes, babies grew in women’s utereuses (uteri? You don’t often find yourself needing to pluralize uterus) it was necessary for a man to put his penis in a woman’s vagina to make a baby.

He said “Gross.”

And then he said “Gross, gross, gross!”

Two days passed.

This morning he was putting on his underpants. He must have been thinking about his penis because he said. “Did Daddy have to put his penis in your vagina before we were born?”

I said yes.

And he said “Gross. I’m never having babies.”

And I am just grateful that he left it at that.

For today at least.

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  1. Aprylsantics says:

    Mom told me in third grade and had to feed me an entire package of Keebler fudge striped cookies while doing so. That was the age I learned the truth about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Mickey Mouse. It was a tough year.

  2. Gross doesn’t really show up to the party until the delivery. At that point, gross not only shows up, but starts to throw up everywhere and set stuff on fire.

    Of course, try explaining that to a kid.

  3. merseydotes says:

    I asked about sex at five because Chrissy Arterburn told me you could get pregnant if a boy put his thing in your butt.

    I haven’t foisted the topic on Petunia but am waiting for the right opening. (Get it? Hah!)

  4. Y’know, when you really think about the penis in the vagina thing, it is kinda gross. But a good kind of gross anyway!

  5. They don’t know the half of it. 😛

  6. I’m with Ian. Gross. Babies are all sticky and poopy and stuff. GROSS.

  7. Our son’s 2.5 and we’re still trying to explain to him about his frequent boners. We haven’t gotten to the insertion portion yet.

  8. I’m of an age where sex did not exist.

    However I’ll always be greatful to the nice girl who did explain it, using the show and tell method.

  9. Ha! I talked to Miss Pink about it when she started asking questions (when she was four; before that we kept it to body parts and what was appropriate touching and what was not). I still don’t think she really got exactly how the baby gets in the mommy.

    And that’s okay with me–for now.

  10. It’s not often the word uterus needs to be pluralized.

    It’s too bad that when they’re teenagers, they’re not going to think it’s gross.

  11. This makes me want to explain everything in great detail – maybe I’ll scare them away from having sex until they’re twenty 😉

  12. I don’t know how I was born, because I refuse to believe that my parents ever had sex.

  13. My mom was a Sex Education teacher for 20 years. Needless to say, at a tender age I was an expert on the subject.

    Another needless mention, most of my classmates parents did not appreciate my knowledge very much. However, if it wasn’t for me they would have never had grandkids. Left to them, their children would be sitting on the porch waiting for the stork.

  14. See, it’s times like this when it’s maybe a good thing I don’t have (human) children, because I would tell them they all came out of the pumpkin patch.

    OK, maybe there are one or two other times it’s a good thing I don’t have (human) children.

  15. They do what? Really? Oh, I’m going to be so sick.

  16. I’m still cringing about the part where Ian slammed the toilet seat on his penis. Yowza.

  17. At least he hasn’t walked in on you while you were doing something that would horrify grandma in the retelling.

  18. oh and once louis slipped and slammed his penis into the toilet at disney in a public restroom and he started screaming “I hurt my penis! KISS MY PENIS MOM!”

  19. that’s ok….carson told everyone his mama had a buh-gina. and then screamed at them that they had one, too, if they were in fact in possession of one. good times.

  20. What’s this you’re saying? My parents had sex…?

    Gross! Gross! Gross!

  21. You know it hurts to snort chocolate out your nose.

    Might wanna tell him that too.

  22. LOL -Gross ! When we told our 10 yr were we having a baby – he said gross -do you mean you do it ?

    when we said we were having twins(12 then ) he almost choked on his dinner and so did we when we said how you going to push them out.

    Thanks for the warning.

  23. Your kids are the coolest on the Web. And you the coolest mom – or at least one of them.

  24. I just died 16 times when I read the end of this post. Hilarious. That is, without a doubt, the scariest thing he’s ever heard. I’m sure of it.

  25. Slammed his penis with the toilet seat huh! OUCH! My daughter just turned one. SO I haven’t had to think about discussing sex yet. Hopefully she goes with the same GROSS philosophy..

  26. sorry meant to say ALMOST slammed his penis with the toilet seat… still …. OUCH!

  27. WE have totally stayed away from HOW the ‘seed’ from the penis get to the mommies tummy….but I think with all the walking in on their parents they have figured it out.

    cept when they try this with the barbies and they have NO parts.

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