Early on I made a promise to myself that I was going to try not to lie to my children.* I said to myself (and clearly this was before my children were old enough to speak) “Self, you are going to be the mom that answers every why as well as you can. You are not going to ever talk about storks bringing babies or masturbation making people blind, you will never tell them that the dead dog went to live on a farm or that shots don’t hurt.”
So I have this thing with my kids where I end up over-explaining a lot, just to make sure I am truthful.
This is how I ended up telling two four year olds about vaginal child birth a couple of week ago.
It is also how my mother-in-law ended up explaining anal sex to my husband when he was in first grade, but that is their story to tell. I wasn’t actually there, but I bet it was hilarious.
I know. I know you are only supposed to answer the question that was actually asked and not expand upon the subject. I understand that.
It is just when they ask question, sometimes it seems like a great opportunity for education.
But this morning, when Ian came to me at 7:00 am, before I had a chance to drink a cup of coffee, with the comics from the Sunday Washington Post and asked me to explain this I was at a loss.
In order to explain this fully I would have to describe the following things to my child:
1) Scary Movies
6) Breath Mints
7) The fact that the comics are rarely funny.
Explaining all of this would most likely only result in scaring the crap out of him and ensuring he slept with me all night tonight. This is the same child that freaked out for a week when he saw a commercial with E.T. in it.
And all for a crappy joke.
I just told him that the green girl had bad breath and so bad smells were coming out of her mouth so the kid was giving her breath mints.
All in all I really only had to go over numbers 6 and 7.
I successfully escaped the exorcism discussion, for today at least. I can only guess what he will ask me about tomorrow.
* Yes, Santa is an exception and I haven’t pushed it too hard because I hate lying to them. It makes me feel bad about myself.