The Sex Talk Aftermath

The children are now completely comfortable with how babies get both in and out of their mothers.

Both kids enjoy discussing what they did when they were in my uterus.

Apparently they played a lot of tic-tac-toe and there were stairs that led up to my brain where there is a couch – for napping.

The twins have processed and seem to have no problem adjusting to having answers about the basic biological nuts and bolts that make up the the talk that so many parents fear screwing up.

My children are fine.

I think I need therapy.

Because seriously, I can’t handle any lunch conversation involving one of them casually referring to their father’s penis and when it was or was not in my vagina.

I am very open with my kids, but I don’t want to discuss this with them. If they require yes/no answers I will provide them.

If they want to discuss my sex life  – well, they are going to have to do that behind my back because I want no part of it.

I thought it was supposed to be damaging to think about your parents doing it. Could I have raised the only two human beings that enjoy discussing this?

I think I need a Valium.

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  1. ROFL! Oh dear. I think *I’m* a little traumatized!

  2. That’s hilarious! (I can laugh because I don’t have to worry about that conversation for quite some time)

    Oh, and the couch thing explains a lot about my wife’s pregnancy. :)

  3. dude. i was really sick the other day, so i went over to my parent’s house to lay around and be miserable. i was all cuddled up in my mom’s bed, and then i looked over and spied a big bottle of viagra on my dad’s bedside table.

    next time i’m sick, i’m staying my ass at home.

    seriously, that was disturbing.

  4. I like the idea of a brain couch. I wonder – did your brain cuddle up on the couch with them?

    And I wouldn’t worry about them wanting to talk about your sex life for too long. The moment they hit puberty and realize that sex is for more than making babies, they’ll feel immediate and well-needed repulsion for thinking of your particular practices. Until then, it’s just like talking about why the grass turns green in spring… just a cool fact.

  5. Hysterical. When you need a break, tell them you are going to go to the couch in your brain and take a nap.

    If you can’t beat ’em…

  6. Just wait for the day when you have to explain to your daughter that, ehem, “oral” can give her throat cancer & “Please honey, use a condom & don’t swallow m’kay?”

    (Who knew being the prude in high school would save me from a throat cancer scare?)

    I have two daughters & I’m begging ANYONE. ELSE. ON. EARTH. to have this discussion with them ~ because I’ll pass out on the floor before I get two words out.

    If I ever hear them discussing their parent’s sex life I’ll just go dig my own grave & lay down in it.

  7. i say good job you. at least they’re not trying to get a visual aid.

    how have you explained santa to them? my husband and i are also into THE TRUTH AT ALL COSTS but i’m stuck on santa. our daughter’s only 7 months old so we’ve got time, yet we argue about it regularly.

  8. I’m sending my kids over so you can explain it. You’ve obviously done a kick-ass job with your own children. Maybe if more kids felt comfortable talking to their parents about sex, they wouldn’t go making stupid mistakes later.

  9. I want a brain couch!
    But yeah, a little awkward, there! I think Jennifer is right… as soon as they catch even a whiff of puberty, you’ll amass huge powers of embarrassment over them. Then they will be the ones going Ew! hehe Good job!

  10. I can only hope I die before these conversations happen.

  11. That WOULD be damaging to discuss, except for the fact that my parents never had sex. So we’re cool.

  12. Ewwwwwww, you do it? Even I can’t handle that!

  13. Ah, lucky you. And I’m not talking about the fact that your children are so open about YOUR sexuality. I’m talking about the fact that you have a couch in your head. Because how often do you need a couch and there isn’t a couch? Often.

  14. in utero tic tac toe. love it.

  15. Nice! You’re a braver lady than I. I’m dreading the day my babes start asking about sex. Why oh why did I have to be raised Catholic? Can I hire someone else to tell my kids about sex? Perhaps outsource it to a call center in India?

  16. But why the brain for napping? Is it because their father’s penis is too frequently in your vagina for them to adequately nap there? Hmmmmm.

  17. Kids these days….do they check out the Kama Sutra at the library?

  18. FUNNY!

    I was wincing the other day when my son brought up the fact that girls don’t have penises so they must just pee out of their bottom- isn’t that interesting- he’s only 5 and yet, he assumes that if you don’t have a penis- you got nothin’

  19. LOL!! I think my brain has a couch to take a nap too.

  20. merseydotes says:

    I think having boy/girl twins gives you a lot of opportunities here – they’ve grown up checking out each other’s junk and just talk about it. Meanwhile, I don’t want to scar Petunia but she has not asked anything remotely close to the sex questions. I half wish she would so we can just get it over with.

  21. perfectly normal. As a child I had an imaginary twin brother named Sid with red hair (he refused to get on the bus for kindergarten and was never heard from again). I used to tell my mom we played volleyball in her belly. She would correct me and say uterus. She never corrected me on the fact that I didn’t have a twin brother.

  22. Max has asked a couple of questions about how The New Girl got into my tummy, what she’s doing in there, etc. But as usual, he is nowhere near as interested in the answers to the questions as he is in the sound of his own voice asking them.

  23. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Thanks for that.

  24. I think they’ve hit on something with this whole brain couch thing.

    I’d buy one.

  25. Kyle and I are both crying.

  26. My kids were the same way! Thankfully now that my oldest is 11 and my twins are almost 9, everything is embarrassing so there is no more talk of sex at the dinner table. Well, my 5 year old tries but then everyone goes “ewww” and covers their ears so he stops.

    Don’t tell my twins about the stairs to the brain with the couch in it. They would be mighty jealous!

  27. charles2 says:

    I wonder how much our Creator would have us discuss? I wonder if the children will be aware how little their peers may know? What about the going blind theory?
    How much we can handle really depends on how much of the truth we really want to know. The thought that any squeaking noise the children may be hearing in the future. Gives them vision of their parents doing it; scares me! In and out motion sickness might set in. Discovering secrets and putting aside fairy tales as we grow up can not be that bad. Innocence is not all that bad. I think the trust we build is really what is important for our children. But then we have to face the fact that life does not always equal out for everyone. Which simply means that there are children out there that may not be adjusted to talking about sex as openly as some children are. So for the sake of all, let’s be truthful about what we are discussing.

  28. You know, I understood all the words in the previous comment, and yet, I don’t have a clue what Charles2 is saying.

  29. Here from Five Star Friday and peeing my pants laughing over this. Tic tac toe and stairs? Thank God they had each other in there. What were all those lone babies doing? Solitaire?

  30. Oh man, too funny! Meep! 😛

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