Penis Envy? Not Me.

As a woman, there are certain things about being a man that mystify me.

Like, wouldn’t tight jeans be really uncomfortable?


If you are wearing boxers does it just fall out sometimes when you are walking around?


If you stand up to pee what happens when you are surprised by poop?

Well lucky me. Guess which one of these questions was answered for me today?

(I’ll give you a moment to look back over your choices.)

Yes, as the proud mother of a five year old boy I found out exactly what happens when a person is taken off guard by a stealth poop while one is standing up to urinate.

For those people without children (or with all girls) what happens is a boy poops on the floor.

And his legs.

And his pants.

And his underpants.

And the bath mat.

So while the idea of peeing my name in the snow still seems kind of cool, for today I’ll just be happy that I sit down when I pee.

Just in case.


ps –  And for those of you with all girls, this is your chance to gloat. You know the 5 year old boy wasn’t the one cleaning up the stray poo.

pps –  I abstained from inserting a picture into this post. You are welcome.

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  1. Yet another nugget (HA!) I have to look forward to. OH THE JOY!

  2. There are no circumstances under which “surprised by poop” is a good thing.

  3. Does that mean that you *gasp* actually took pictures? I way overdo pictures myself, but catching the stealth poop on a memory card… well, even I won’t go that far.

  4. I have twin boys – 3 y/o in two weeks. I’ll keep this in mind.

  5. Well. I see your day went downhill after seeing me for breakfast!

  6. As the mother of three boys, this post made me belly-laugh out loud!

  7. AprylsAntics says:

    Stealth poop! LOL

  8. Our son had dropped a stealth poop a few times already. Luckily it wasn’t as messy as you described.

  9. well now I know what to look forward to. I’m not interested in stealth poops, do you think I can tell him this (in 3+ years)?

  10. If I were a boy and this ever happened to me, I think it would cure me of ever standing up to pee.

    Seriously, I don’t know how they walk around with those things.

  11. Bummer.

  12. Surely the surprise poop element and the fact that boys can not aim at all, unless it is a competition, is proof that everyone should sit to go, just in case.

    As I clean vomit from bedding, this post has made me feel a little better about my day. Thanks.

  13. Don’t forget when they are sitting to do their thing and you are dutifully reading a story nearby, the thrill of an unexpected arch of pee traveling across the room and all over you.

  14. hey join me for the nonlinear girl baby shower. those babies are almost here.

  15. Noooo! I am not looking forward to this at all!

  16. “lol” doesn’t quite cut it for the way I am howling with laughter right now.

  17. Oh, my gosh. I had no idea this could happen. My husband doesn’t understand why I am laughing so loudly. He does not find this funny. Oh, well.

  18. Duly noted. I’m taking this off my Christmas list for you:

  19. When we potty trained my son, we had him sit down to pee. I’ve basically taught him to always sit in the house and stand up elsewhere because I didn’t want to deal with the pee all over the floor and the seat being left up. It’s really the only civilized way to go.

  20. If this helps, carson was what I called the “phantom pooper.” the little shit (teehee)
    Would pull off hiss pull up and poop ON. MY. FLOOR. And then put the pull up back on. Wanna know the moral of this story? When looking for hidden poop, ALWAYS wear shoes. You too, are welcome.

  21. thanks for the heads up! so to speak…

  22. First they pee on you when you change their diapers. Now this.

    He had better be rich and take good care of you in your old age.

  23. I’m gonna go ahead and gloat but that’s just because I know I have pink and barbies and makeup and nylons and dating and birth control coming down the line… TIMES TWO. And cleaning up a stray poop or two just seems easier.

  24. Ah, yes. One of the top 5 reasons why we taught our son to sit while peeing.
    He can stand outside or at a restroom that has a urinal…but 99.9% of the time, he sits. My husband does, too. Perhaps having 3 older sisters influenced him;)

  25. So far no one here has had a surprise poop. *crosses fingers*

    The other good thing about sitting down is peeing in the middle of the night. The ladies can stumble into the dark bathroom, sit, pee, stumble back to bed. But the stupid men, who REFUSE to sit down because god forbid it emasculate them, have to turn the light on and blind themselves, then pee, then turn the light off and stumble back to bed, stubbing their toes on every piece of furniture along the way.

  26. I just thank goodness neither boy has had a surprise of that magnitude. The most I’ve had to do is throw out some underwear now and then.

    I do have one son (7 yr old) who takes inordinate pleasure from moving his bowels. He’s even mastered the art of taking in reading material for the duration.

    Now if only he would remember to close the door.

  27. Haha!! Hilarious!

    This has never happened to my 6 year old (that I’m aware of.)

    And I owe that to his steady diet of carbs and no fruits and vegetables. Some days a stealth poop would be welcomed!

  28. You know the one that always used to keep me up at night? Don’t things ever . . . dangle . . . into the toilet whilst you are taking care of business? I mean, they do dangle, no?

  29. (heh heh, dangle is a funny word)

    Have not been here yet. But have encountered my 3.5 year old blue who “pooped outside” … have yet to find said poop…

  30. boys rule.

  31. Michelle says:

    oh wow, luckily this has not happened to us YET…

    but we had like 4 stomach bugs this year so poo all over the bathroom was a common thing and it is DISGUSTING!

  32. 1) yes
    2) no, because it’s never really IN anything. Just kind of swings freely.
    3)Never happened to me, nor the boy, so far as I know.

  33. you forgot-
    when another boy who is over for a playdate needs help pulling down his pants b/c he has just been potty-trained and while helping him- you get a stream of pee across your forehead-
    yes, that happened to me – ahhh boys.

  34. Been there, done that. And thanks for not sharing the pics. My own memories of such occasions are seared into my brain.

  35. Whoa, I’ve got 5 and 6 year old boys and I had no idea that would happen.

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