Et Tu, Uterus?

Let me preface this by saying that I am done having children. I have two wonderful kids. I always wanted two children. I have two children. I had a loss and then a really difficult pregnancy. I had to have a blood transfusion when I gave birth. I had spinal fluid leaking in to my bloodstream as a result of my epidural which gives you a headache that is slightly worse than a migraine. Sure, I would love to know what it is like to have a singleton, but two came out the first time and you never know how many would come out the second time. Plus, I’m still not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing with the two I already have. I am done with babies. That being said –

Babies R Us makes my uterus ache.

It isn’t just Babies R Us either, lest you think they are paying me to say this. The same is true for Carters, or the Target Baby section or any store that has many tiny dresses with bows or jammies with cartoon alligators on them concentrated in one area. Really, even very small shirts with skulls on them make me squeal on the inside. So, no Babies R Us didn’t pay me anything, but even if they had they would probably be on the winning end of things with the amount of cash I dropped in there today.

We have two couples that we are very close to that are both having their first baby. The father of one was the best man in our wedding and the mother of the other one was a bridesmaid. Needless to say I spent far too long and way too much money on these babies. I loooooooove babies that I can hug and kiss and sing to and cuddle and buy things for and then send then hand them to their parents when they poop and I can drive home and sleep through the night.*

The thing is that as much as I don’t want more children stuff like this


makes my body question my decision.

Not my head, mind you, but my body. I actually have a visceral reaction to things like this.


Sure I played it cool, walking slowly down the aisles with my registries in hand, but on the inside I was going OHMYGOD! OHMYHGOD! SQUEEEEE! IT IS THE CUTESTFUCKINGTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!  OHMYGOD! I don’t think I was making any actual noise but it is certainly possible.

I am also pretty sure that I ovulated in the aisle that had the sleep sacks.

I guess my point is that when my body was craving a baby when I was 28 and childless it was no surprise. I knew I wanted kids. it made sense. But why would my body do this to me now? I have kids. I’m done. We paid cold hard cash and spent time at a surgical center to make sure we didn’t have any more babies and it is decision I have never regretted, even for a minute. Biology is a crazy thing. For 29 days a month I am barely aware that I have a uterus, but when I walk into a baby store it does the same thing that my stomach does when I smell bacon.**

The good news is that when I walked down the aisle with the diaper genies and the rectal thermometers I got over it.

* Assuming one of my own children doesn’t: pee the bed, have a nightmare, need water, want to sleep in my bed, fall out of bed, claims they aren’t tired, is afraid of E.T., etc.

** Except I want the bacon.

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  1. Oh. My. God. That first little animal-footed sleeper just about killed me dead. Good thing I’m already knocked up, or I’d be in trouble!

  2. Holy cow do I hear you on this one. Biology sucks, doesn’t she? I want another baby so bad except that I TOTALLY DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY.

  3. Baby clothes are so goddamned cute, aren’t they? I haven’t started shopping yet, but I’ve been going thru S’s old baby clothes. Damned onesies that are pink and say things like “Daddy’s little girl”

  4. If I had a Uterus it would be hurting too. Well I think. Okay I have no idea but now I suddenly have the urge for a double bacon cheeseburger. You know the kind that smells like a baby’s head. Yeah I love that smell too.

  5. I hear you loud and clear. Thank GOD my BFF just had a newborn to fulfill all my tiny clothes cravings because it was getting rough. I want a tiny baby to snuggle and sniff and dress up in crazy outfits and take a million pictures. But I don’t want the 3 hour sleep cycle and the colic. Because of this back and forth how will I ever know when I’m ready for another? Because I KNOW it’s not all rainbows and sunshine–oh boy do I know–but I don’t REMEMBER. I only remember the ideals in my head and that’s what scares the crap outta me!

    Baby sleepers AIEEE!

  6. I totally hear you! I can’t even step over all the kids in this house and yet, those ovaries just start SCREAMING in Babies R Us.

    And why is it that all the maternity clothes look SO CUTE now that I don’t need them?

    And this sentence? I am also pretty sure that I ovulated in the aisle that had the sleep sacks. Funniest ever!

  7. Just be glad you had one of each sex. I have two boys so the little baby girl outfits almost send me to the hospital. I physically avoid that section lest I make a fool of myself in public. Or buy shit I have no use for. I also am very confident in having ONLY two kids.

    Also the first 20 seconds are uterus comedy gold:

  8. I had that epidural headache too. The one that is fine if you are lying down, but if you try to sit, or God forbid, stand, you feel like you’re going to die? Ugh. They did the blood plug thing to me where they drew my own blood and inserted it into the epidural site. Weird. It didn’t help a whole lot. But it was evidently interesting enough to require three med students to watch it.

  9. The evolution of the uterus hasn’t kept pace with human evolution in general — I think she doesn’t know about iPhones and Kindles and all the other things you could be doing with your time.

  10. You are so not alone here! I had my tubes tied last summer and one of my best friends just had a baby and I find myself just asking her, “Dude, lemme smell Jackson’s little baby head.” It better than puppy breath, which is pretty freakin’ awesome.

  11. Then don’t check out Giggle.

  12. Only little girl clothes do that to me. I have two boys, and that’s going to have to be it. I’m too old and I can’t afford another one.

  13. I’ll start a sign up list and leave it on the door for anyone who needs a baby fix. Feel free to sign up for a few midnight feedings/diaper changes.

    And the next one better be a little boy -I’ve always wanted a boy and I LOVE boy clothes. They absolutely kill me.

  14. I have an actual cute-stage-cuddle-monster baby not 5 ft. from me, and I still squeed with both outfits. It’s beyond me.

  15. Madison was terrified of ET the first time we watched that movie. Now, she asks for it daily.

  16. Hmm, maybe instead of my head I should mail you one of my babies. That would really put your uterus in check.

  17. I just spent the evening with a couple of kids who would cure you of that Right Quick.

  18. Kristin says:

    I could have written this post, though not nearly as well. Early this week I was with my friend’s 3 month old with the chubbiest little cheeks and sweetest smile. My ute was freaking the hell out. Did I mention I was also ovulating? I saw the same friend last night who was complaining about 1am, 4am and 6am wake-up calls from said baby and I was driving home so thankful that my husband got the snip snip.

  19. I hear you. I actually have to steer clear of the little girl clothes in BabyGap, lest I get all wistful and mopey.

  20. Oh, I hear this. We’ve been trying to have a 2nd baby for 1.5 years and seriously, those stores make my uterus skip a beat.

  21. Hell, I had my tubes tied 12 years ago and these things still squeeze my uterus.

  22. Michelle says:

    I totally have the same response. I thought it was just because I am still breastfeeding and the horomones make me crazy.

  23. Funny-wonderful. The writing here is just a delight. A joy to find online.

  24. I think my husband is sick of me oohing and ahhing over every baby thing. Tiny shoes really get me. Ohmygosh can a baby really be so tiny? SOOO cute…

    My clock is ticking though…so I guess it makes sense. :)

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