Archives for December 2009

2009: That Went Fast

What is the appropriate way to end 2009? I know this was a shitty year for a lot of you out there and I don’t mean to gloat, but I had so much fun this year. This is in no way comprehensive but it is what it is. January February Life Should Not Imitate “Trainspotting” […]

Overheard at My House

Oh, well if it’s opposite day then you guys both smell really, really good.

Crap. Now I’m scared too.

The Goon Squad (The Goon Squad is my five year old twins for those of you who are new around here) and I were discussing Santa and if he was watching you on the day after Christmas. I thought he was probably taking a break, but maybe he had spies. Ian said he knew exactly […]

I’ve Been Thinking

I was looking at some pictures of myself from Christmas and I noticed that I have this whole new bonus chin. I don’t like it one bit. I was thinking that if I grew a goatee or a full beard it would disguise this layer of fat. It occurs to me that I should be […]

O Holy Hell

Shopping anywhere on Christmas Eve is most likely going to suck, but shopping at H-Mart is a nightmare. For any of you that are familiar with H-Marts, they describe themselves as a Korean-American Asian supermarket chain, and the one near my house is generally busy and the parking lot is treacherous on a normal day. […]

The Phone, The Fight, The Santa Lie and Poop

I made the mistake of telling them that they could answer the phone when I was in the shower. Yes, I am talking about my five year olds and no, I have no idea what I was thinking. I realize you are expecting me to say that they ordered a years worth of Highlights magazines […]

Why Sledding Blows

We drive to the hill. My car almost gets stuck in the snow. There is this hill by our neighborhood pool. At the top of the hill there are tennis courts. At the bottom of the hill is the parking lot. This hill must be 45 feet wide and 15 feet up. There are stairs […]

Sometimes the Story Requires 280 Characters

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Actually, the weather isn’t that bad anymore, but the streets in my neighborhood are seriously frightful. And our schools are canceled for the rest of the year. To be completely fair, the kids really only had two and a half days of school this week anyway, but they were three very important days for Christmas […]

And Now I Understand Penis Envy

I didn’t know you could get free stuff for that sort of thing.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Recently Kate Moss told interviewer Brid Costello that one of her mottoes is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. My first reaction was to recite that to myself 800 times a day and see if it worked. I’ve been having a lot of trouble getting motivated to […]

Yet Another Question For Which I Have No Answer

“NO IAN” she screams from the hallway “I KNOW BECAUSE I AM A SWIMMING EXPERT!” “Claudia,” I say. “Don’t scream at your brother and you are not a swimming expert.” “Yes I am.” She said. “Claudia, an expert has to…” But that was the end of the conversation. I have no idea what you have […]