Yet Another Question For Which I Have No Answer

“NO IAN” she screams from the hallway “I KNOW BECAUSE I AM A SWIMMING EXPERT!”

“Claudia,” I say. “Don’t scream at your brother and you are not a swimming expert.”

“Yes I am.” She said.

“Claudia, an expert has to…”

But that was the end of the conversation. I have no idea what you have to do to be considered a swimming expert. I would assume it would involve actually being able to swim underwater so I feel confident that I was accurate in saying that Claudia was not one, but I don’t know what it is required of a swimming expert.

In fact, I don’t know what you have to do to be considered an expert in any field.

Clearly I am no expert in experts.


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  1. To qualify as an expert in court you have to have “more knowledge that the average person.” It is not a high standard.

  2. I just cleared out some spam in my inbox that promised to make me an expert in almost anything in a few hours.

    You want me to forward it?

  3. My husband and his sister still talk about the time that the family saw some famous golfer in a restaurant and Sally recognized him because, as she said, “I follow golf.” That was the first and last time anyone heard her say anything at all about golf.

  4. An expert would should be able to come up with all kinds of swimming facts instantly—like who’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for swimming the longest time underwater naked.

  5. I’m just wondering why she was telling him that she is a swimming expert. Also, I find it a lot easier to turn it around on the kids. Next time ask her, “why do you think you are a swimming expert” or “what makes someone a swimming expert”. Their answers are usually a lot more entertaining.

  6. I have pondered this and mostly I’m an expert about fewer than five, maybe three, very stupid things, like hair bands and two other things that I can’t remember right now. I’m comfortable with that.

  7. Given that you have to have more knowledge than the “average person”, it’s possible that she IS an expert. Who knows what defines “average”.

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