The Saga of the Traveling Underpants

A couple of weeks ago I only had two pairs of white underpants.

I had a pair of white thong underpants and a giant pair of white granny panties.

I know this for sure because I need to wear white underwear under my dobok.

Remember how I told you I signed up for Tae Kwon Do? A dobok is a Tae Kwon Do uniform.

I found myself in a predicament. I could either start doing a lot more laundry or I could go out and buy some more white underwear.

Obviously I went to the store.

I didn’t have a lot of time so I went to Target. Plus, this didn’t have to be awesome underwear. I was going to wear it to kick people. I found a pack that was three pairs (pair?) of white thong panties for $11. Perfect for wearing under white pants. Right?white_cotton_thong

Now, I don’t really want to get into this here. I have an entire blog dedicated to my weight issues, but I do need to tell you that I wasn’t sure if I needed to buy large or XL underpants. These looked pretty roomy so I went with the large.

Later that Day…

I went to my second Tae Kwon Do class feeling nervous. In my first class I fully expected to look like an idiot and I had made my peace with it. This was my second class and the masters would probably presume I sort of knew what was going on at this point.

But things got sort of strange. There was a family there that seemed to be training to be masters or something.

Our regular two teachers were there but there was also a family of four: a mom, a dad, and two sons who looked to be about nine and eleven who seemed to be running the class. And they all had special blue tunics.

We did the stretching and the warm ups and thing where you count and do your little poses (give me time, I’m sure I will learn what these things are called) and then we got into two lines and the family in the blue tunics pulled out some mini trampolines.

The idea was that we ran up to the trampoline, jumped, did our kick and then ran back into the line.

This is great exercise. It is good cardio and an excellent way to practice kicks and body control.

It is also kind of fun, but only if you wore the right underpants.

In my case large was too large.

As soon as I started running my underpants started falling down.

A lot.

The kind of falling down where if I had been wearing a skirt my underpants would have been around my ankles.

But I was wearing pants so the crotch of my underpants were where it was supposed to be and the sides were down around my outer thighs.

If it had just been me and the other 11 five and six year olds in my class I would have just reached into my pants and hiked up my underwear, but one side of the studio is mirrors and one side is entirely parents.

And I know most of the parents.

I am in a predicament. I am supposed to be focused on the task (or the master will never give me a sticker) but my underwear is falling down and that is very distracting.

I am also starting to wonder if the parents can see that my underpants are falling down through my white pants.

I am also seriously glad I didn’t buy the extra larges.

In the end I decided on first actually reaching into the leg of my pants and pulling up my underwear, and later just kicking stuff with my drawers practically down to my knees.

This pair of underwear was freakishly stretchy.

And when I got home I threw the underpants in the trash can.

You know, writing this I realize that even though this happened to me two weeks ago I still haven’t solved my problem. In fact, I have actually just been doing more laundry like some kind of sucker. I guess I’ll be going back to the store to look for more white underpants.

And this time I will strongly consider purchasing the mediums.

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  1. This is the best freaking laugh I’ve had in a while. Thanks.

  2. But horray for size medium underwear!(?) I mean, there is a bright side to this story right? FTR, I would have pretended to faint before hitting the trampoline.

  3. Oh, my god – I had the big underpants problem too!! And every time I’d wear them to work I’d swear I was going to throw them out, but then I didn’t want to throw out underwear unless it was clean so I’d wash it and put it back in the drawer with the others and the whole thing would start all over again. Big underpants are the worst.

  4. I recommend these:

    They haven’t let me down. I swear by all things Hanes, and also, all things beige. Beige does not show under white. Bad experiences with thong underwear for anything exercise-related. Hipsters or boybriefs rule. Measure your hips, they run true to size.

  5. I’ve had that happen to me! I was not in Tae Kwon Do doing kicks, but was, in fact, crossing Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. AWESOME.
    Oh, I even tweeted it. Fourteen months ago, yet it feels like yesterday:

  6. Sounds like you need some kick-ass underwear. What? Am I the only one who went there?

  7. First and most importantly, I really can’t believe you have not shared this story.

    Thongs are not good activewear. (Actually I don’t really believe in them as a thing but this is not about me.) You kinda need a more stable base for jumping like that. Target has tons of the microfiber underwear that really don’t move. I’d go with that. Or nothing.

    I still give you so much credit for doing this in front of this seemingly random assemblage of people of all ages.

  8. But did you get a sticker?

  9. The forms are called pumse or hyungs depending on which TKD style you’re learning, and the dialect of Korean used by the masters who started that particular variant.

    Trust me when I tell you that you aren’t the first student, nor will you be the last, who has wardrobe issues. It usually starts happening after you’ve been doing it a while and all your clothes start to hang on you instead of hug you.

  10. Well, hey, that pretty much RULES that Large is too big. Wait, was there another point to this story?

    My friend Eileen tells of the time that her boys were in high school, and they were hanging out at her house with some guy friends when she emptied the dryer one day. She pulled out her big white granny underpants, held them up and said, “Boys, you won’t see anything like this for another 20 years.”

  11. By the way. This story caused me to wet my Big Underpants. Thank you.

  12. I rarely come out of the reader to comment, but I had to tell you that this was an awesome story. You should put yourself in these awful situations more often because they are quite delightful to read about.

  13. while I know the funny bit is the falling underpants, I got distracted by the image of you lined up with the group of five and six-year-olds kicking on a trampoline. That takes guts.

    A friend of my mother’s, who is quite the character, was teaching a DUI class several years ago. As you can well imagine, the students in the class weren’t exactly thrilled to be there, and didn’t care much about the content of the class. On this particular evening, Cheryl was wearing a long white skirt with a slip as the skirt was rather see through. She stood in front of the class with an overhead projector for about 45 minutes, giving the presentation. When class was over, she walked a few feet to turn off the projector and realized that her slip was down around her ankles. She had been standing there the whole time in front of the class. Not a single person had mentioned the slip or even looked up and giggled. Of course she was laughing hysterically as she told us the story even to the point of pulling her slip down around her ankles to demonstrate.


  14. Jockey, string bikinis. I wear a size 6. Not the greatest for panty lines, but never fall down. Kohl’s or JCPenney. They may still be 25% off, too.

  15. “Plus, this didn’t have to be awesome underwear. I was going to wear it to kick people.”

    I have tears reading this story! And, the sentences above made me think of Kill Bill.

    I’ll bet they have awesome underwear.

  16. God, I laughed so hard! I was working out last night and my stretchy workout pants were falling down my waist and hips. But fortunately I was alone in the basement!

  17. Your Mother says:

    Sarah, I’m sure that we covered the “don’t talk about your underware in public” lecture. Sigh. Now just see what kind of wacko search words people will find you with!

  18. Crap. I think I must have misunderstood.

    Did you mean not to talk about poop in public too?

  19. Thanks for making me laugh! I found out the hard way that underwear sizes are not the same as dress sizes & was stuck at the lake with huge undies!

  20. This is hilarious. But my former Victoria’s Secret employee self is cringing that you wore white underwear under white pants. Always go for nude colored bra and panties under white clothing.

    The whole time I’m at the gym tonight I’m going to be thinking about my ass kicking underwear. :-)

  21. Hilarious…

    Last year on an overnight field trip with 5th graders, one of my crazy teachers stopped at WalMart on the way to meet the bus and picked up some size 14 underwear because that’s what size she wears in clothes. Underwear sizes are not the same as clothing sizes. The next morning, she opened the package of the only underwear she packed to find a pair of underwear that would have fit two of her. We still laugh about that. She wore them. I would imagine she felt a lot like you!

  22. go into the hallway and throw underpants up in the air and see what happens!!!!

  23. When my mother was a prof at Columbia in NYC she was walking somewhere, maybe across campus, and the elastic broke on her underwear. She had a dress on at the time. My mom told me she just stepped out of the undies and left em on the sidewalk and speed-walked away. She figured by the time anyone noticed, she would be long gone.

  24. LOL,you had me in hysterics! I have had so many wardrobe malfunctions you almost make me want to post… like the day I decided to try garters and stockings for the first time… as a tv reporter… on a windy day… while interviewing a senator on a windy tarmac… Or the time I accidentally shut my skirt into the car door and it jammed the door so I couldn’t open it again.

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post for so many reasons — the underwear, the idea of you in a class with little kids, the trampolines — next time I want photos! : )

  25. I just laughed so hard at this that I think my underpants fell down.

    FWIW, Mama’s a TKD black belt–I write this not to intimidate you, but to let you know that she’s here for you if you need the inside scoop on something, like what kind of underpants to wear. Shoot me a note, I’ll get you the answer.

    Holy crap. I’m still laughing.

  26. lol! Perfect title too!

  27. What? I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you. I was laughing too hard. Holy crap. That was funny!

  28. Thank you for sharing this story, I really needed a laugh today!

  29. “I am supposed to be focused on the task (or the master will never give me a sticker)”

    ROFL – too freaking funny – thanks!

  30. Ohhh my gosh, laughing so hard here! I hope you can find some new underwear that fits, hehe!!

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