The Nuts Talk

I was driving my five year old twins and my nine year old neighbor to Tae Kwon Do today. They were talking about “Jackmania” which is the imaginary kingdom of next door so I was pretty much ignoring them when the conversation took a turn that made my ears perk up.

“Hey Ian!” said the older boy. “You know how squirrels eat nuts?”Squirrel-with-acorn_nuts

Because I think like a nine year old boy I could see where this was going a mile away.

He continued “Ahhh! Squirrels are after my nuts! They are in my pants!”

Ian laughed, but he was clueless and the older kid knew it.

“Get it? Because I have nuts in my pants!”

Ian asked “Why do you have nuts in your pants?”

“Because your nut is your penis!” neighbor boy replied.

I had a conundrum. Your nuts are not your penis and I know this. I don’t want my kids to go around with bad information or making jokes that don’t make sense. On the other hand, I don’t really want to talk about scrotums with a random 3rd grader. I am friends with his parents, but I don’t really talk to them about testicles that often so I don’t know how they would feel about me giving their children lessons about anatomy and slang.

I am not a patient woman, but I bode my time. I was a relatively mature adult and I waited until we got home and I was alone with my children.

“Listen guys,” I said “Remember when Jack said that your nut was your penis? That isn’t exactly true.”

I said penis. I had their attention.

“Your nuts are really your scrotum,”

*blank looks*

“your testicles”

*blank looks*

“the thing under your penis. You know what I am talking about?”

Claudia said yes and walked away.

Ian said “Under my penis?”

I was always under the impression that boys were obsessed with their balls, but here is my son, almost six years old and he forgot that there was something under his penis.

I said “Yeah, the thing under your penis.”

Then I actually said “Put your hand in your pants and feel under your penis.”

He figured it out. I am an excellent mother.

So far there has been no further discussion of the nuts, but I have a feeling that this is nowhere near over.

And oddly, I feel like I did the right thing.

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  1. Love this.
    I think you handled it beautifully.

  2. So Claudia got it before Ian. Hmm

    I am imagining in a few years time, when he WANTS to put his hands down his pants, that inevitable conversations where you say “stop” and he says “But Mum, you told me….”

    You KNOW it’s going to happen right.

    Otherwise, well done! I don’t know what I would have said, possibly just changed the subject. I am so mature.

  3. You are so having the nuts talk with Oliver. No way I’ll get through it without cracking up.

  4. sueinithaca says:

    ahahahahahahaha. At 5 do they have the ability to stop talking about penises for, like, a second? If necessary? My three year old had a lengthy conversation with the nice man who is remodeling our kitchen. It went something like “My hab a penis. You a MAN. You hab a penis too. Mommy hab a ‘gina. Buddy not hab a ‘gina. He a BOY. But he dead. You hab a penis, Dabid?” and so forth. and so on. with his hand down his pants. until I took him out of the house and drove him to the place in the mall that charges $5/hour for your kids to bounce on the inflatable houses.

    I try not to bring up scrotums (scrota? why the fuck is scrotum a neuter noun?) because then we’ll have to talk about the cat and how we had his cut off. Oh the toddleriffic anxiety that will cause. Also, I can only imagine the conversations he’d start with that information.

    (I feel like I’ve commented about my dead cat’s penis more than once on your blog. Is this true? I spend far more time thinking about that cat’s genitals now that his ashes are in a box on the bookshelf than I ever did while he was alive.)

  5. S to the I to the M to the P…

    I love that you told your son to put his hand in his pants. That’s something only the coolest of cool parents would do. You’re totally doing it right.

  6. Oh, Sarah. You are my parenting idol. And you of all people cannot have your kids not knowing what “nuts” are.

  7. Thank you for this…with one 14 month old boy and another one to arrive in July, I’ve been practicing penis/balls/masturbation (you name it) conversations in my head…especially since the 14 month old will not leave his penis alone to save his life. ever. I am in trouble.

  8. You rock! Some days I am SO happy to have girls, other days, not so much. My husband likes to say “when you have boys you have to worry about one penis, when you have girls, you have to worry about them all.”

  9. “Claudia said yes and walked away.”

    This is my favorite (besides the “I’m not a patient woman” line, but that was kind of a given.) I should pay her to be my life coach.

    Funny shit, Goon Squad Sarah. Someone smart’s gonna pick you up for a weekly column one of these days.

  10. And I thought boys always had their hands wrapped around their nuts. “Adjusting.”

  11. smartaleck says:

    You had to tell him to put his hands in his pockets–how else is he going to protect himself against thieving squirrels?

    I laugh and take notes every day–love how you are so matter of fact with them…they will appreciate it one day when they hear the horror stories of how other kids parents tried to explain things to them.

    Of course, you will also be in charge of explaining things to your grandkids.

    Hopefully Claudia wasn’t in the other room, eavesdropping, sticking her hands in her pockets and trying to figure it out.

  12. You did handle it beautifully and I can’t wait to hear what Jack says when your kids educate him. Or what his mother says if anything if he passes on the info. Kid talk is so hilarious. Right now I’m glad I have only girls, I’m sure I’ll change my mind later.

  13. Velocibadgergirl says:

    I have to admit that this is one eventuality I failed to consider when I became mother of a boy XD

  14. You are an awesome mom!

  15. LOL. no, like really.
    this line is going to come back and bite your ass sister:

    “Put your hand in your pants and feel under your penis.”

    I love it. Cause it’s true. good one, mom.

    oh, and thank you thank you THANK you for sharing this with us. It might be my new fave blogpost…

  16. Awesome. Now hand him a tea bag and explain why a certain conservative republican movement is HILARIOUS.

  17. OMG! As the mother of two little boys I can see this conversation happening at our house one day. Thank you for sharing and letting us laugh with you.

  18. Thank you Julie. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought of Phineas and Ferb’s “Squirrels In My Pants.”

    ( Video and lyrics for those of you who’ve never heard it: http://phineasandferb.wikia.com/wiki/S.I.M.P._%28Squirrels_In_My_Pants%29 )

  19. Boys and their balls!

  20. I feel your pain. SO FREAKING MUCH. :)

  21. Hi. My name is Ann. Nice to meet you. :) I am friends with Vicky from Mummy Chronicles, and a frequent reader of your blog. Yesterday Vicky schooled me in blog etiquette: I learned that I was a lurker because I never comment on certain blogs. So I want to just say “hey!” and also thank you for brightening my days in the office by sharing your life with such unique wit and humor. You rock.

  22. That’s funny. These conversations never go away completely. My 9 year old and I still have them.

  23. There’s no way I would have been able to let that one lie, either. Perfect!

    (“Squirrels in my pants!” is shouted frequently in this house, and not always by the children…)

  24. Best part is the girl knew it all along. Just validates that I should always hire women over men. They are just smarter.

  25. Wow, talk about unexpected. I love that Claudia knew what you were talking about before Ian did.

  26. Holy cow! I am totally going to have my 14 year old son read this post after school – this is going to make for great fodder for us! I love it and can totally see myself behind that same steering wheel thinking “Wow-this is NOT going to end well!” (while trying not to laugh).
    Best post of the year! Thanks!

  27. My husband has always referred to them as balls. I have always referred to them as testicles. My boys? Who are 8 and 5? They refer to them as their “wrong tables”.

    Don’t even ask me where they got that one, I don’t want to think about it. It makes my head hurt.

  28. Oh, the things I have never had to think about!

  29. your post was so funny! Great job mom!

  30. You are much better at parenting than I am. I couldn’t have let the misinformation fester that long. Nicely done…and I can’t wait to read about how this crops up later.

  31. Just wait until your kids start playing The Penis Game. This involves repeating the word “Penis” each time just a bit louder than the first. Players continue to escalate the volume of the word “Penis.” Whomever is told by an adult to knock it off first wins.

  32. This is hilarious! Never easy being a mom! =)

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