Day 4: Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

Day 4 of the 30 Days of Truth is something I have to forgive someone else for.

This is hard. It is hard for two reasons, the first being that I am not comfortable with this level of intimacy on my blog and the second being that I am not very forgiving.

You see, this is not my best side. I have these arbitrary lines and once you cross one of them I am just done with you. Unless there is a really good reason – you are related to me, I work with you, you live in my neighborhood or some other extenuating circumstance requiring me to know you – if you really piss me off I just write you off entirely.

It actually works quite well. It allows me to not dwell on my anger. I have a lot of friends and so I don’t suffer people who treat me like shit. I don’t have to be around emotional vampires.

So besides me admitting that I am a horrible person, I am also admitting to you that the person I am forgiving is someone that  I cannot un-know.

What it worse is that I still have several to choose from.

*deep breath*

I forgive you all. I know you didn’t mean it. I know you didn’t know how what you were saying sounded to me. I know you don’t understand what I do or why it is important or what it means to me. I know that blogging is new and weird and incomprehensible as a valid career option. You don’t know how it feels to hear it. You don’t know how much work I have put into this or what I get out of it or how you have invalidated me as a person. How you have nullified my last five years of work as a stupid hobby that doesn’t count.

I know you don’t see it that way.

I assure you I work.

I work hard.

I work really fucking hard.

I am not ever going to be like you and that is okay. For both of us. For all of us.

This is all bigger than you think. I know what I am talking about. You probably don’t know that much about nuclear physics either, but if I told you that I wanted to be a nuclear physicist you would accept it.

That isn’t the point.

The point is that I am working on the forgiving part.

I am almost there. I have come to terms with the fact that you think I am a loser with no job, not because I am a loser with no job, but because you don’t understand what I do. You don’t mean to be cruel. You mean well, I think.

Forgiveness rock stone hands Day 4: Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

And so this is what I need to forgive.

But this is hard.

And there are several of you.

[photo]

***

Following are the writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth, should you be interested in doing so yourself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

pixel Day 4: Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

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  1. Good for you.

  2. Ouch. This was hard to read because YES. All of this. Yes. Why must people try their damndest to invalidate what we do? I’ve never once demeaned anyone else for what they do. Not once. And yet, with writing on the internet, people think they can. It hurts because I love this. I love doing this more than I’ve ever loved doing anything else, and if they see that as sad or a waste of time, than that’s their problem, not mine.

  3. Um, you are SO not a loser Sarah. How do I know? Simple. If you were a loser with no job, then how in the fuck would you be able to give me a job writing? Hmmmm…Interesting.

  4. This is very big of you to forgive! Very very big.

  5. Really well done, and also a fair explanation of why no one in my family beyond my wife knows I have an online life — it’s not something they’ll understand or support, and that’s simply not a hassle or a headache I feel like dealing with. Because I know that if I had to put up with what you’re putting up with from friends and family…

    Well, let’s just say that I suspect that I’m even less forgiving than you are.

  6. People are jealous, I know I am! Not because blogging is invalid or easy but because you’re succeeding in working really hard at something you love (I think?!) and people don’t understand it. Also they are stupid.

  7. People just don’t get it. Even marketing people – they think “blogging” is something so much more mysterious than writing in another medium.

  8. You are not a loser. You aren’t. I love how you did this. You were honest and real and didn’t point fingers. That is a good thing. You did well Sarah. Really.

    However? You are NOT a loser. You are a zillion other things but not that. I just don’t agree. I think anyone who thinks that, needs to get a grip.

    Question though? Are you a Taurus? Just curious, because I so do that. The cutting out people. Just being done. The end, that is all, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

  9. Fantastic.
    I really love this. l-o-v-e. LOVE

  10. Yes. Writing is writing is writing is writing.

  11. smart aleck says:

    If anything, blogging is harder than a ton of other jobs because you do have to open yourself up…to anyone on the big ol’ Web who could stumble upon it.

    And there are no set hours.

    For what it’s worth, I have never read one of your posts and thought “ya know, Sarah whipped this up while sitting on the toilet”
    Okay, I lied…there was the one pic of the airplane bathroom.
    But it was in context.

  12. Would it sound cheesy to tell you that YOU are one of the reasons I blog? You are.

  13. I forgive them, sort of, too, for invalidating something that made it possible for me to make a friend with whom I can share both stupid ass jokes and end of life wishes. The alternative is unthinkable these days.

    I am so proud of you for walking a path of most resistance, for being courageous and resolute and working harder at everything you do than almost anyone I know. I am so proud of you in general. It will all be totally clear, and very much worth it, in the end. I just know it.

  14. Wow. Really good, Sarah. Seriously.

  15. Um.. wow. All of the above comments. Do we all run into this? I know new stuff is scary but it isn’t silly, you know? I get this all the time too and it is infuriating and demeaning and sometimes it makes me violent. However, I’m learning to not so much forgive but blow it off. It does my ego much better to view myself as some kick ass pioneer who works her ass for what I love. So there’s that.

  16. I had an uncle once tell me that instead of blogging, I should write “something important.”
    Hmphh!
    I’ve thought about that a lot over the years.
    Who is to judge what is important writing and what is not?
    Blogging is deeply satisfying. That is important.

  17. There are some people that know you work hard. Too hard.
    Also, you don’t cut people off at the first offense, or second, or third, and I could probably keep going. How do I know this? You’re still friends with me & I know I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth & screwed up many times. Thanks for not cutting me off!

  18. I have friends who don’t understand. But my blog is a hobby, not a career. The saddest part about this to me is that they are taking away your right to feel proud about what you do.

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