It Always Comes Back to Butts

The children and I were in the car yesterday and the conversation naturally ended up on the subject of gender reassignment and sex realignment surgery.

I don’t know how I get into these discussions with my kids but I always do.

Anyway, we were talking about how you could get a penis put on (and no, I wasn’t sure if you could use it to pee, but I suspected the answer was yes. Doctors are pretty clever these days.) or how they could construct a vagina (A pagina? A pagina! said the incredulous girl who doesn’t believe vagina starts with a “v”.) and the real question was obvious.

Could one get a new butt?

So I said “Well, everyone already has a butt, so you don’t really need a new butt to become the opposite sex. I suppose you could get a butt in a different shape.”barbie Butt

“Like a triangle?” asked Claudia.

“That is the shape I was going to say!” Ian yelled.

“Calm down everyone,” I said. “No, not that kind of shape. You can’t have a triangle butt.”

Then after I stopped laughing I said. “You know, like rounder or flatter.”

“Like a circle butt?”

“I want mine to be shaped like a diamond!”

“How about a rhombus?”

They are learning about geometry in school.

Then because I am a masterful parent (and right after I explained that if your butt was triangle or diamond shaped the pointed corners would rip holes in your pants) I changed the subject to Harry Potter, because in my family the only thing that is more fascinating than butts is talk of house elves.

Did I mention that my son loves Harry Potter and all of the movies and he isn’t scared of Voldemort- he wasn’t even scared when the death eaters burned down the Burrow, or skeletons climbed up out of the water, but he is terrified of Dobby?


Ah, but that is a post for another day.

ps – If you look up vaginoplasty on wikipedia you get an eyeful. Feel free to take that as either a tip or a warning depending on your interests.

pps – I found the barbie butt picture on a website that discusses the body types of Jem dolls and how they differ depending on country. True story. Gripping or truly outrageous. Again, you be the judge.

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  1. Holy crap, twins sound fun! (WHEN THEY BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE.)

    Excellent change of topic.

  2. Dobby could use some butt surgery.

  3. I can understand the Dobby fear. Dobby sort of looks like ET and ET is the culmination of all things evil and terrifying. He’s like an adorable, living nightmare.

  4. What I love about your posts is there is always at least one gem in them.

    GEM: “naturally ended up on the subject of gender reassignment”

    GEM: “truly outrageous”

    That second gem is going to have me singing “truly truly truly outrageous, ohhh Gem!” all day.

  5. You know you’re my parenting and pop culture hero, right?

    As for Dobby, it looks like he could use a little butt-plasty. 😉

  6. Dying here. And may I suggest Sir Mix a Lot for your next car singalong.

  7. Next time I see you the phrase “rhombus butt” will be used. I don’t know how, but I will use it.

  8. Cousin Wendy says:

    Hi. Larious.

  9. Well naturally that is what you would discuss. I mean, who wouldn’t? I get treated to a daily vision of my 4 year old grabbing her butt and singing “I like to wiggle jiggle jiggle with my butty butty butt.” I have no idea where this came from but truly hope that she isn’t talking about me.

  10. All subjects can change here too, if Harry Potter is brought up. My girls are addicts. Although, neither is afraid of Dobby. That makes me smile.

    I have no clue on the butt. Although a diamond shape would be humorous.

  11. I can’t believe you would make fun of those poor victims who suffer from Buttockal-Rhomboiditis, a serious disease that strikes down tens of people EVERY YEAR. I think you should sign up for the Three-Day Walk for the Butt Cure next year to make up for it. It’s in March.

  12. I need a new butt. Mine’s cracked.

  13. Monroe has been telling me there’s an underwear thief that lives under his bed at night. The underwear thief is just a butt and a penis, he says, without arms or legs or a head. He had a dream about it.

    That seems about as related to a conversation about butts and house elves as anything else I’ve got.

  14. Signe Rued says:

    I’m alone in the living room watching Harry Potter. I repeat, ALONE. I’m freaking out.

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