Latest Shopping Theory

I have a new theory when it comes to grocery shopping.

Yes, I have multiple theories about grocery shopping.

Anyone who follows me on twitter, foursquare or knows me in real life probably knows that I go to the grocery store easily five times in a normal week. If you figure I spend about 30 minutes shopping each trip that means I spend an average of 130 hours a year buying food, beer, wine and paper products. That probably qualifies me as some sort of expert. I have actually seriously considered starting a entire website just dedicated to my grocery store musings.

My point being that I often have hypotheses about food acquisition mostly because I spend a good portion of my time in supermarkets.

I would also kick ass on The Price is Right.

But my theory! I am sure you are dying to hear about my new theory. It is simple. It is based on math and fashion.

The crappier you look when you leave the house, the more people you will see that you know in the grocery store.

You already know that this is true based on personal experience.

You know that one time you decided you didn’t really need to put on a bra just to buy a gallon of milk you ran into the PTA president. The time you said “fuck it” and wore your pajamas bottoms in lieu of real pants to grab a dozen eggs for breakfast you saw your old boss.

And today, when I went to get some steaks and stuff to make a salad right after my trainer left, still unshowered, still in my ill-fitting workout clothes, with the shirt with the hole under the arm so you can see the red sports bra underneath, I saw not one, not two, but THREE ladies that I knew at Shoppers Food Warehouse.

It was awesome.

Two of these ladies also go to my pool, so having seen me in a bathing suit they have seen worse, but at the pool you are supposed to look like a mess. I’m not saying that a person is expected to have coordinating accessories to go grocery shopping, but I could have run a brush through my hair.

Or put on a shirt with all of the seams still intact.

On Sunday I will wear a cover up and my UCF crocs to Target to see if I can conjure the Squad’s principal or a big client. Or maybe I’ll put on a nice dress and make-up and get my groceries in peace.

Go forth young scientists and  test my theory.

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Special thanks to Sarah Be Mye… for her super awesome photo skillz.

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  1. I always stop at the grocery store after work in my fancy work clothes. I never see anyone I know.

    Also I have this weird pet peeve about going out in public in pajama pants, I have no idea why.

  2. Christina says:

    This is so true. The worse I look, the more people I run into. EVERY STINKING TIME!!!

  3. I rarely see people I know when I leave the house. Though the other day, I did run into someone in the movie theater, who stepped past me in my row and said, “Hello, Karl.” Kinda freaked me out. Am I that recognizable in the dark?

    I was, however, wearing shorts and not pajama pants.

  4. I have a cute neighbor who I never see around the neighborhood, which is probably good for my marriage. So imagine my chagrin when I dash into Ralph’s for tampons wearing a too-tight t-shirt over bra-less boobs. Which would’ve been sexy in my 20s. But after nursing two kids and hanging on to about 20 lbs not so much.

    So I stand there chatting with him in the feminine protection aisle, holding a box of OB regular flow tampons trying the keep my breast up by crossing my arms underneath them. It was a day that will go down in infamy in my own tiny little tired brain.

  5. I can confirm your theory. After a day of running around with kids and hanging out at the pool all makeupless and ponytailed, I ran into a colleague at the grocery story. Fortunately she was quite gracious, but I’m sure she’ll remember the scene the next time I ask her for a recommendation!

  6. These are not musings. What you state are facts. It never fails, every time I make no effort I run into someone I’m glad to see but spend the entire encounter worrying that I look like I sleep in my car.

  7. Oh yeah. My wife has demonstrated to a high degree of precision that if she steps out the front door in her pyjamas it will bring all the neighbors out their front doors. Wait. How do you spell pajamas? Jammies. With … I dunno, Yodas’n’shit on’em! Anyway. SCIENCE.

  8. ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I was just telling the story of how I went out in horrible sweats and a horrible ski jacket to rent videos when I had a horrible cold and was trapped in the tiny store while my exBF and his wife and their cute new baby blocked the entrance and the whole town came in to admire the cute baby. Meanwhile, I squatted in my horrible outfit behind a rack of skate punk videos, praying no one saw me. Especially not the ex.

  9. smart aleck says:

    This theory is more like law—any time I leave the house without makeup because we are just going to walk around the city, we run into coworkers–who live in the burbs and just happen to be in the city.

    Also, any time my husband slaps my ass in public, or I kiss him sarcastically (I’ve decided to give him a big smooch every time he says something stupid in public because it looks cute versus overhearing me gripe at him), someone we know sees us.
    This is not a small town!!!!!

    (also, in one instance we were in a town an hour and a half from here–wtf?)

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