I Was Standing in the Shower

I am standing in the shower and I can hear the shrieking coming down the hall.

I have been in the shower almost long enough so that my hair is wet enough to put in the shampoo.

I wonder what he could have done to make her so angry in such a short period of time.

The screaming comes in the door.

“What happened?”

“IAN!” she gives her standard answer.

“Ian what?” I give my standard reply.

“He tried to choke me!”

“No I didn’t!”

Awesome. Now all three of us are in my bathroom.

“I HATE MY LIFE!” she yells. “YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME!”

I have been in the shower for three minutes. The seven years right before that I spent with her.

“I have always loved you.” I say.

And they exit.

* * *

I am standing in the shower and I yell “DAMMIT!”

Because I forgot to mow the lawn before I took a shower. Now I will get all smelly and have to bathe again before my fantasy football draft.

Who am I kidding? It is an online draft and the last time I got to take two showers in one day was… I can’t even remember the last time I took two showers in one day. Probably the last time a kid threw up on me.

* * *

I am standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

“Mom?”

He is back.

“Do you think whipped cream would be good in a shake?” he asks.

“Sure. Wait! What are you doing?”

“I am writing a recipe for a shake.”

He is planning this evening’s milk shake competition versus his father.

“Do we have whipped cream?”

“Yes.”

“Where?” I can’t remember buying whipped cream since we had pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It is August.

“In the fridge.”

“Check the date on it.”

I hear footsteps run down the hall.

I hear footsteps running back.

“It is sour cream.”

“Yeah, that would taste bad in a shake.”

* * *

I am getting out of the shower. It is quiet. Ten minutes have lapsed since I got in the shower.

I love my children.

I cannot wait for school to start on Tuesday.

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  1. to hell with 2 showers in one day, right now just getting one shower every 2 days is…

    school starts soon, thankfully before CPS arrives…

  2. I recently started locking the bathroom door when showering because I couldn’t take one more interruption!

  3. smart aleck says:

    If your draft picks are skewed, you now have someone to blame it on. They ruined your ability to get in the zone.

    And you can remind them of this at Thanksgiving.

    But you can also credit them with giving you good material.

    Also, I want to have a milkshake competition now.

  4. I swear they wait until the shower has been on just long enough and then they try and kill each other.

  5. I had some similar experiences today, but one of the kids was not mine. Ada’s friend Ave slept over, and now that he’s 7 I think it is time for him not to see me naked. Apparently he and Ada are less concerned about this than about finding the exact right toothpaste.

  6. I am so grateful school has been in session here since aug 18th. :)

  7. We have a rule at my house: You must be bleeding a lot or on fire to knock on the door when Mommy is in the bathroom. If you knock and you are not bleeding or on fire it is likely that you will be bleeding when Mommy is done with you. (Don’t panic it something we say not something we actually do). This also works when your on the phone. :)

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