My Minivan Has a Poltergeist

My minivan has a poltergeist or possibly an electrical problem but either way I am freaking out.

I was at the grocery store (as I tend to be) and when I tried to get out of the car it was locked. That in itself is no big deal. I’ve also tried to get out of the car with my seatbelt on. I know how to fix the problem, one just unlocks the door to exit. Except in this case the door locked again before I had a chance to open it.

Then it locked on me again. And again.

A ha! I thought to myself. I must be mashing the lock button on my key fob. But I wasn’t. My keys were hanging off of one finger, no buttons were touching anything.

So I tried to manually unlock the car as if it were the ’90s.

But my car locked itself again.

It couldn’t be the safety feature that won’t let you lock your keys in the car because 1) I’ve already done that in this car and 2) I had already established that the keys we no longer in the ignition.

Then it locked itself again. And again.

And this is when I began to suspect the supernatural or possibly Ashton Kutcher.

But as much as I hate all practical jokes and Punk’d in particular, this one was too stupid too make it through even the least rigorous screening process. Plus I’ve never been in a boy band.

So this left me with two options – a poltergeist or an electrical problem.

On one hand this could cost me a lot of money. On the other hand my car might be haunted*. I don’t like either of these options.

What I do like though is that I think I finally have an excuse to call in to Car Talk.

* * *

Ghosts are REAL, Mike. Ghosts are real.

* * *

Remind me sometime to tell you why White thinks it might be the ghost of  former United Nations Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld.

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  1. smart aleck says:

    Maybe someone else in the parking lot had the same model car and the frequency of their fob was the same as yours and they were locking it instead of their own.

    Unlikely, but really—how many different frequencies can there be?

    Don’t take it into the shop unless it happens two more times. The hassle of being a female and trying to convince the mechanics that there really IS an issue isn’t worth the time and energy unless it’s a safety issue. And trying to replicate it…it will NEVER do it for them.

  2. Ah yes. I know ghosts are real. They are constantly sneaking granola bars and eating them at my house. THEN they leave the wrappers around to frame the children.

  3. smart aleck says:

    Oh, and I pictured your minivan painted with skulls and flames, not as the mystery machine 😉

  4. I hope I’m listening when you call in to Car Talk. I don’t give a shit about cars, but those guys crack me up.

  5. Maybe if you do pimp out your minivan with skulls and flames it will scare the poltergeist away. Plus you’ll have the coolest minivan ever. So, I vote for spending money on that instead of the mechanic.

  6. You know the stuff that accumulates on the sliding parts of your computer mouse, and you have to scrape it off from time to time and it’s all sticky and oh my god what is this crap? That’s possibly built up in the crevice around the button and making it stick down.

    Or it’s Dag Hammarskjöld. I have a copy of “Markings,” I’ll look through it and see if there are any poems about haunting minivans.

  7. “So I tried to manually unlock the car as if it were the ’90s.”

    Best line

    I will listen to Car Talk this weekend to hear if you get on.

  8. Is it sad that I wish something weird was wrong with my car so I could call into that show?

    Actually, my stereo is possessed, too. It randomly turns on and off, sometimes the screen lights up and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the dash buttons work, sometimes only the ones on the steering wheel. And then it will be totally normal for months on end.

    And I’m a shady mechanic’s dream, I know NOTHING about cars. So I take it in as little as possible, because I’m sure they’re going to make up a part and charge me $300 for it.

  9. I’m leaning toward Smart Aleck’s answer because it reminded me of the time a bunch of executives from a company I worked for got busted for stealing a sky-blue Lincoln – because it was the same make, model, color, and key shape as their rental car.

    Or, you know, Christine. Either way.

  10. Yep. this is totally Car Talk worthy. Good luck!

  11. Like everyone doesn’t know what Dag Hammarskjöld has to do with everything.

  12. If this were my story, no doubt someone would walk up to me quite haughtily and say, “Why are you staring at my car?”

    Car Talk is awesome.

  13. If only it was the 90’s and your van door was a middle school locker, all you’d have to do is smoothly give it a whack with your elbow. Alas, this isn’t the case.

    What kind of minivan have you got? Unfortunately, this sounds like an electrical problem.

  14. Maybe you could take it to a mechanic that also does exorcisms.

  15. A satanic mechanic?

  16. Please, please, please text me before you call in Car Talk. I NEED to hear that!

  17. All I want to know is how did you exit the car? That is if you did, you could be posting this on your smart device of choice.

  18. like it’s the 90’s you say? up until 18 months ago, I had to manually unlock the piece of shit PT Cruiser I was driving. Oh, that’s right. PT Cruiser.

  19. Car talk??? I love Car Talk. Call. Call. Call. It would be AWeSOME. Also, maybe your car is trying to tell you something: go to a different grocery store.
    While you’re with the car talk guys, tell them about the time your car kept running even though you took your key out of the ignition. It was me, but they don’t have to know that.

  20. I’m sitting here crying reading your post. You’re hysterical, man. And I love the image Scooby Doo image. That said, yes, please, please, please call Car Talk!

  21. Is it fixed? My car has ghosts, it does all kinds of crazy things. My favorite is when you try to turn the radio knob down, the volume goes full blast.

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