I’m on a Plane

I just paid $12.95 so I could complain to you live from the sky.

Let’s rephrase that and say that I am going to rant, or wait, musing sounds better. I shall offer you my musings from the sky. There. That sounds far less angsty. Musings from the sky sound almost arty.

This changes nothing about the fact that my first musing is a complaint in the form of a question.

While reading this, please keep in mind my first flight left D.C. at 5:45am and I actually woke up at 3:30. Maybe raving would be a better word.

1) It is 7:15 in the morning and I am in row 6. How can you possibly already be out of breakfast sandwiches? This must be why the line at the bagel place in the Charlotte Airport was so long. Also, I think the tomato juice I am drinking has gone bad. This must be why I usually mix it with vodka.

2) I am reading Rob Sheffield’s book “Talking to Girls About Duran Duran” and I love it so much that I am considering doing a copycat series called “Talking to Boys About Metal”. Of course, I can’t use the lines “I can look back on my acting career secure in the knowledge that Tom Willis has seen my Duncan” or “My bone structure would have been an undeniable asset if I’d been a future Eastern European tranny underwear model, yet it was a stigma for a high school boy in that time and place.” like Sheffield did (causing me to actually laugh out loud and wake up the girl trying to sleep in the middle seat) but I think mine will still be interesting.

Also, if you listened to a lot of music in the ’80s you should totally read this book. It even has a chapter about Oates.

3) I have not yet cried on this flight, but if my disc is attempting to herniate as I suspect there is still plenty of time.

4) These things are all true.


5) There is nothing like a man in an orange robe in an airport to make your brain regurgitate every line from “Airplane!”

  • I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande.
  • Don’t call me Shirley.
  • A hospital! What is it? A Big building with patients, but that isn’t important right now.
  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
  • Do you like movies about gladiators?
  • Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

6) Hey, do you guys remember when I used to write posts that weren’t in list form? That was awesome.

7) It is very possible that the girl next to me on the plane (the one I woke up laughing earlier) is listening to ABBA. I kind of want to dance. It could also be Ace of Base. No, that is definitely ABBA. She must also be reading this as I type, she just turned it down. Neat.

That is all for now. I know I complain about airlines a lot, but onboard wifi is about the best thing in the world. I am off to ponder my Talking to Boys About Metal series. Do you think I could get a book deal out of this? Do you think Rob Sheffield would sue me? Would I have to do a book tour? I ask because flying makes me weird.


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  1. I would totally pay $12.95 for “Talking To Boys About Metal,” thereby reimbursing you for this post.

  2. The line about, “She must also be reading this as I type” made me laugh. That is so awesome.

    For some reason the title of this post made me think of Andy Samberg and boats. “I’m on a plane, motherf*ckers, everybody look at me!!”

  3. Goon Squad Sarah, you are drunk. xo

  4. I actually met Oates in 1984. He’s about as big as your little finger.

  5. I’m impressed that you didn’t cry on the airplane. I thought that was your thing. 😉

    I hope you aren’t herniating a disc. It’s not fun. Am still recovering after two freaking months.

    I am laughing about your seatmate turning down her music. She must have been reading. I have to say though…I would have been too. Am all nosy like that. Plus it’s not like you’re private when sitting 2 inches from someone else.

  6. Crap. How long are you in LA for? Can I get down there and get drunk with you? Argh probably not. Phooey.

    Also: WRITE THAT BOOK. You are the one to do it. Your credentials are impeccable.

  7. Of course, now, I’ve got Nirvana stuck in my head. I know, it’s “plain” not “plane,” but homonyms, m*thrf*ckr, do you speak it?

  8. You could have typed it up, then used the airport wifi to upload it, saving yourself $12.95. You then could have used that money to purchase a copy of the book to give away to a reader.

  9. I have a friend who used to sign things “Duranfully, ” when we were in high school. I am totally getting her that book. Thank you for introducing me to it!

  10. I’m jealous. I seem to have to travel often enough, but I never get a plane with wifi. The other week the flight attendant was looking close enough at my iPad to notice it wasn’t in airplane mode. He was a bit creepy. All I could think was, what about all those planes I never get to fly that have wifi.

  11. Now I want to read that book too.

    Good to see you. Maybe we could write a book together. Except I just talked to boys about Springsteen.

  12. I concur with twobusy. I’m sorry but I love your list posts. They make me smile, spit food while eating, spurt coffee through my nose and/or all of the above.

  13. I concur with twobusy. I’m sorry but I love your list posts. They make me smile, spit food while eating, spurt coffee through my nose and/or all of the above. Can I do the punk section of your book?

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