It is no secret that men’s basketball has a larger audience. You can say “No! No! Really! Our high school girls team is the state champ! We sell out every game!” and that may be true, but deep down inside you know that this is an exception and not a rule. Men’s basketball does better at every level: little league, Jr. high, high school, college, professional and international.

I guess that is why FIBA – the International Basketball Federation, or Fédération Internationale de Basket-ball – is considering lowering the hoop in the women’s game.

FIBA wants to see if it will make the women’s game more “attractive”.

*seethes*

At the first ever women’s basketball summit they also discussed new uniforms to appeal to a wider audience.

Now, before I completely flip my lid, I should let you know that FIBA and the International Olympic Committee already have smaller balls for the women’s game.

The game as it is is a good game, but we have a large majority of women’s basketball players that don’t have that size and there are questions whether the game is as attractive as it really could be if you were able to play over the basket rather than under the basket.”

Karlovy Vary

Do people really believe that I watch basketball for the dunks? If that were the case I would watch the annual slam-dunk contest and just watch hockey for the rest of basketball season. NO! That isn’t why I watch men or women’s basketball. I watch basketball because I love the game. I buy tickets because I like basketball. Playing over the basket is great, but it is not going to determine where I spend my money.

When it comes to women’s basketball Jayda Evans always says it best.

Say what? To be frank, this has to be the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard at this point in the women’s game. What needs to happen globally is attention to coaching or maybe more cooperation with the WNBA so that more international stars could play in a league with the world’s best. Then skill would improve and that would draw more appeal globally.

Lowering the rim? For what? A cheap dunk? Please. FIBA should know by now that the game of basketball is more than dunking. A wicked crossover or three-pointer can be just as exciting — especially if in a close game that seals a victory. Just ask any Sue Bird fan.

As a feminist I am insulted. FIBA is suggesting that girls can’t handle the big balls (no pun intended) and women can’t play over the net.

Oh really? Let’s ask Brittney Griner.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that women and men are exactly the same, any five year old in a bathtub could tell you different. What I will say and what I do believe is that women’s basketball is doing just fine with the basket where it is. Lowering the hoop cheapens the ladies’s game.

I have a much better idea on a way to make the women’s game more attractive. Show it some fucking respect.

This year I thought I avoided that.

I came home from New York and I had plenty to write about.

Then all of the sudden I didn’t. I haven’t written here in a week and my last post was three YouTube videos.

I owe you more than that.

You know that I used to write for the now defunct DC Metro Moms Blog, right? Well, I did, and every once in a while I wrote something worth reading over there. Now that they have closed their doors they are allowing us to cross-post our work on our personal blogs. I wrote this this particular post last summer. It got picked up by several newspapers so it must be decent, right? Anyway, with back to school season upon The Goon Squad this seemed like an appropriate time to share it with you.

* * *

The Class of 2022

My twins turned five this week. Between all of the preschool birthday celebrations and the birthday party (you know the one where I invited every child in both of their classes? Can you even imagine 32 four and five year olds in one room… after eating chocolate cake?) I didn’t have time to think much about kindergarten orientation.

Okay fine. I didn’t know about it until a week before so I didn’t have much time to obsess about it.

I came prepared the way any good blogger would. I had my camera and my iPhone. I figured I could twitter during the boring parts.

The tweeting never happened. First of all, I got stuck in the front row and second of all as soon as the principal started talking I was riveted.

She walked out and said “Welcome to the class of 2022.”

The class of 2022! Let’s pretend for just a second it doesn’t sound like something in a science fiction book. I remember thinking 1984 was futuristic. 2022.

That reminds me of a quick story. My husband and I were shopping for a couch recently and we went into a furniture store that could only be described as “mod”. The stuff in there was very cool, very uncomfortable and very overpriced. The problem is it all had the effect of Tomorrowland. You know, yesterdays idea of the future.

I said to my husband “That looks totally 2001.” The I realized that I had to clarify “Not the year, the space odyssey.”

It seemed so odd that 2001 was eight years ago. Now here I am sitting in a small plastic chair thinking about my babies graduating from high school.

In space suits.

I’ll fly to their graduation with my jet pack. Even that idea is outdated isn’t it?

I’d like to propose a toast to the class of 2022. It will be here sooner than we think.

My stomach was cramping so badly that I was convinced that Vicky was having her baby.

I reasoned that she and I had bonded so deeply when we roomed together at BlogHer that I could feel her labor pains.

I don’t know. It seemed feasible at 3:30 in the morning.

*

When I woke up the fist thing I did was check facebook to see a picture of the baby.

There were no photos.

So I e-mailed Vicky.

There was no labor. No  baby yet. She slept through the night.

*

It must have been the entire sleeve of Pringles I ate yesterday.

I have got to stop doing that.

That is how long it took me to start crying after I got back into town.

I wasn’t even actually home yet.

I don’t know why I was surprised. This happens every year. I go to BlogHer and I leave feeling amazing. I see people I only get to talk to face to face once a year. I meet people in person that I have been internet friends with for five years. I watch amazing panels of women inspire me to be a better writer, mother, artist, person. I get more compliments in three days than I do for the other 362 days a year combined.

At BlogHer I make business connections. I learn. I socialize. I reunite. I am recognized as a writer. As a business woman. As an individual.

At home I am recognized as “Ian’s Mom”.

At BlogHer people ask me how I do it all.

At home people ask me why I’m not doing more.

At BlogHer I am one of the hosts of the most amazing party. We had a cake from Charm City Bakery, we had a DJ and we did The Hustle. I was sparkly.

Jen and Sarah posing as “robot hookers”. We actually wore the same dress to Sparklecorn. What are the odds that two people would buy this dress? Photo by Laurie White

At home there is a rotting cantaloupe on my kitchen counter, my sink is full of dishes and I can’t find my glasses anywhere.

At BlogHer I meet with producers of major television news networks that want to discuss the upcoming book in which two of my essays will appear.

At home it is dismissed because it is a “little blogging thing” and did you hear my sister-in-law is going to have an article in Oprah’s magazine? Did I know that she was a real writer?

At BlogHer I sit on panels next to WNBA champions and people come to the session to hear me speak.

With Megan Hueter and Kelly Mazzante at BlogHer 10. Photo by Laurie White

At home I sit next to my cat who will not stop meowing. I have no idea why.

At BlogHer I say intelligent things and people write it down.

At home I walk into the wall and hurt my elbow.

The same wall that has been in the same place ever since I moved here in 2006.

Every year it is like this. Maybe next year, when I go to my sixth BlogHer I will stop being surprised.

I’ll see you in San Diego.

This happens every year. This is my fifth BlogHer and every July the dreams begin.

A week or two ago I had a dream that Heather Armstrong was trying to tell me what to pack.

A few years ago it was the Dio swag dream.

Last night, in my dream, I went to Amy’s house to somehow prepare for BlogHer and she had recently moved into a converted beer garden, so her house had no roof. It was actually all very cool until it started raining.

It didn’t look like this picture at all. I have no idea why I am using this graphic.

The blogging community is always with me, but the pre-BlogHer dreams, the “Oh Crap! I forgot to pack my business cards!” or the “I went out to lunch and totally missed my panel and Elisa is going to be so mad at me!” nightmares I can do without.

Anyway, I hope I see you there. If you won’t be there then I won’t see you, but I will miss you. Either way, I’ll probably dream about you.

Now I just have one question.

What goes with these shoes?

(thanks to Flutter for leading me to the website where I bought these)

ps – These shoes are 100% vegan. Weird, huh.

pps – I hope I can walk in them.

ppps – I am going to be, like, seven feet tall.

Cool, huh?

If you find her at BlogHer she will probably grace you with one – assuming you use your manners.

It was my very first order in my new line of business. I am very proud.

Of course, my second order was me stepping up one level.

CORKSCREWS!

I know. Now I can drink wine when I travel too!

Fear not. I still have plenty of beer openers left over if you are in need. I will have those too.

I can also sell not beverage related items, I just haven’t had a reason to do so yet.

Wait until you see what I got for Draft Day Suit.

]]> http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/2010/07/08/so-about-this-new-job/feed/ 8 http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/2010/06/30/i-can-stress-out-about-nearly-anything/ http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/2010/06/30/i-can-stress-out-about-nearly-anything/#comments Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:39:06 +0000 Goon Squad Sarah http://sarahandthegoonsquad.com/?p=4928 Now that I sell swag for a living I am stressing out about having the coolest stuff to give away this year at BlogHer.

Yes, I realize that is completely ridiculous and normal people have real problems.

Of course I still have about 200 Draft Day Suit key chain bottle openers with the URL spelled wrong from last year.

See why I needed to do my own?

My question to you is should I stick with the beer theme or should I move on?

I cross posted it here so you can all read these wonderful posts because every single one of them made me laugh.

Did you know that April was National Humor Month? Neither did I until a two weeks ago, but it is true. National Humor month was founded in 1976 by author and humorist Larry Wilde.

I love humor. I love laughing. I don’t even care if I get laugh lines, when I am laughing I am having fun. Nothing would make me happier than a real life ROFLcopter or to actually witness somebody laughing their ass off – wait, that wouldn’t be funny at all. That would be disgusting. I would like to retract that last thing, but the sentiment remains true. I love comedy and I have a deep fondness for laughter.

The trick here is that humor doesn’t always come easy. A lot of people try to be funny and fail. Like the last words of Sir Donald Wolfit: “Dying is easy, comedy is hard.”

I’ve never tried dying, so I cannot verify the first part, but I can certainly attest that writing comedy can be tough. How can a writer possibly know what will be funny to other people? How can we type something so that the reader will have the correct phrasing in their mind when reading it?

What if I think it is funny and everybody else just thinks I am a stupid asshole?

I’m sure that happens to me more than I would like to admit. Fortunately for you guys there are much funnier women than I writing funny blog posts every single day.  Postcards From Yo Momma makes me laugh on a regular basis, KDiddy’s Big Love recaps on MamaPop are funny even if you don’t watch “Big Love”, and everybody loves The Bloggess.

For you reading pleasure I have assembled 10 absolutely hysterical posts written by women. Enjoy.

10) We Do More to Embarrass Ourselves By 10:00 am Than Most People Do All Day – Stimeyland

Full disclosure: Stimey is my friend in real life, but the reason is this: she cracks my shit up every time I see her. She is equally funny in real life and she is constantly writing things like this:

I imagine that I was having a blood sugar reaction. I have hypoglycemia (and, yes, I know everyone has hypo-fucking-glycemia, but I was actually tested for and diagnosed with it) and hadn’t eaten that morning. I think that combined with the unexpected stair climb and that horrible room that seemed to be situated INSIDE THE FUCKING SUN took me down.

and her visit to the doctor gets worse after that.

9) Been spendin’ most my life, ridin’ on a gangsta’s motorized stair seat – Steam Me Up, Kid

If that title didn’t make you laugh, this probably will.

I will drink anything if it has a cherry or some kind of fruit or accessory in/hanging off the glass. You know those plastic monkeys that hang by their tails off the rim? Done. You could fill a martini glass up with phlegm and kitty litter and hang a monkey off the glass and maybe an umbrella, and I’d be all, “Holy crap is this a party or what? This drink sure tastes like vacation!”

The Pleasure Hunt – Wrestling With Retirement

All this debate aroused my curiosity, so, parking my bare butt on a mirror, flashlight in hand, I decided to do some research of my own.  With one leg behind my ear, having cleared away the cobwebs, I perused the, ah, territory and confess I found no letters of the alphabet in residence in my hoo-hah.  Granted, I wear bifocals; I might have missed it.  It’s possible that it shriveled up and fell out due to inactivity.  Or, the Brits could be right, and there never was one.

Texas is the zipper on Satan’s parachute pants.

So apparently everyone knows what the mysterious sigil thing is, and apparently it’s a conspiracy against me (AS MOST THINGS ARE) and I feel like I’m watching Mulholland Drive for the first time and everyone else but me understands why tiny old people are line-dancing in a sandwich bag.  Whatever. At least it’s a great ‘S” hinge word to use to build off of another word in Scrabble.

Diana hypothesizes that after watching Dancing with the Stars she believes the reason Jon left Kate Gosselin was because she is such a bad dancer.

I know what you might be about to say: “But Diana, have a little compassion! Do you understand what kind of pressure she must be under? Have you ever tried to learn a dance in a week with absolutely no idea what you’re doing and some crazy militant teacher losing their shit? It’s difficult!”

Of fucking course I’ve had to do that. I am from a Hardass Asian Family. Come on.

Of course she is kidding, but Diana goes on to tell her own talent show story. I am so glad I never have to be in 5th grade again.

5) Someone get these dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds out of my kitchen! – Fluid Pudding

I met Angela at BlogHer ’08. I was already a fan of her blog but since meeting her in person I am absolutely smitten…

Anyway, because I wasn’t thrilled with the decorative red and itchy jean rings, I decided to take 12 weeks to drop the 14 pounds. And this is important: I decided to do it without adding any sort of exercise. Because zero exercise + zero exercise = I get to stay on the couch and knit! You think I’m lazy! You are correct! Don’t ask me to high five you. It might make me palpitate!

…and I like the way she thinks.

4) Pay it Forward, The Grating-est Generation – Jive Turkey

You know those annoying e-mails that your friend’s mom or your aunt always forwards you? People born in 1980 have always had a microwave, my generation drank from a garden hose and didn’t die, forward this to 10 strong women and your wish will come true… crap like that? Yeah, well, Jive Turkey got one of those and it pissed her off.

Things/people/events from our respective upbringings are sacred and special (and therefore, THE BEST) because we remember them through the soft-focus filter of childhood, when our lives generally weren’t burdened with things like mortgages, jobs, bills, a Tivo that keeps recording episodes of iCarly for no discernible reason, etc. Whenever I hear someone sincerely refer to the era in which they were raised as “a simpler time,” I want to punch them in the crotch, because OF COURSE IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME, YOU ASSHAT. YOUR UNDERPANTS STILL HAD SUPERHEROES ON THEM.

And I took great delight in her disgust…

Actually, you know who said it best? BILLY JOEL, fools. He drove his car into a tree and married an infant, but HE knows the fucking score:  “The good old days weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.”

… because that is funny.

3) Star Wherefore Art Thou – Amalah

I know. Including Amy is kind of cheating. It is too easy, she has been consistently hilarious for like 10 years and she is a blogging rock star, but you know why?

Last week Jason and I were outside on the back deck, dueling via the Lightsaber app on our phones. (BECAUSE OF COURSE WE WERE.) “Dueling” mostly entails waving your phone back and forth a lot and pretending to block your opponent’s imaginary lightsaber blade. It’s kind of like playing on the Wii, only with way less dignity.

Yeah, that is why.

2) Never get into a thumb war with death. Death has really, really long thumbs. – Sweet | Salty

Who can make a bittersweet post about death funny? Kate can.

Kate:  I’m not afraid of you, you know.

Death:  I know.

Kate:  I’ve seen you before.

Death:  I know.

Kate:  I just don’t like it when you hang around my family.

Death:  Not many people do.

Kate:  You’re just so damned arbitrary.

Death:  Am not.

Kate:  Are too.

Death:  Am not.

Kate:  Oh christ. Stop that.

Death:  Oh christ. Stop that.

Kate:  Quit copying me!

Death:  Quit copying me!

Kate: (glares)

Death: (snickers)

1) Stuck In The Middle With You – Knotty Yarn

Hands down, THE funniest thing I’ve ever read.

Day One – Sunday…

…So, sex. And then getting dressed and actually running errands. As I’m sitting in the car, on our way to the fabric store, I got a sinking feeling in my guts.

I think I just had sex with a tampon inside of me.

I had the pleasure of hearing Danielle read this post at the Community Keynote session of BlogHer ’09. I was crying. I was howling. I was pounding my fists on the table.

Day Two – Monday

I spend the day at school, pushing on my stomach, trying to feel for the cotton alien. I’ve never had anything in my uterus before, so I’m not sure how I’d even know it was there. Actually, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to feel my uterus through the layers of muscle, fat, and other organs. Actually, in all honesty, I don’t even know where my uterus specifically is, but I imagine it’s somewhere in the…middle..part…of the torso. Near the other pipes and tubes that..regulate…stuff.

I’ve been known to overreact to situations, but I still feel my behavior in this case was justified.

Day Three – Tuesday

Oh god I’m dying.

I’ve done the thing you should never do when you think there is something medically wrong – I asked the internet.

It just keeps getting funnier. I won’t tell you how it ends, but I will tell you that day three is not the last day and that is you don’t go read it right now your world will not be as happy as it could be.

Wait! Unless you are at work. If you are at work wait until you get home to read it, otherwise your co-workers will hear you laughing and come over to your desk you’ll have to explain about Danielle’s tampon issues and also admit that you were reading blogs at work.

I hope you had as much fun reading these as I did digging them up. Enjoy the rest of National Humor Month, even if you aren’t American, and feel free to leave me links to posts that make you laugh. I am always up for more comedy gold.

Photo by Laurie White.

All you have to is vote I would attend this session.

You don’t have to be attending BlogHer, you don’t have to be a woman, heck, I don’t even really care if you like sports but I do care that sports and especially women’s sports are undervalued in the media and have never even been discussed at a BlogHer conference.

Please just sign in to your BlogHer account and vote, yes, I would attend this session.

http://www.blogher.com/female-athletes-unspoken-sisterhood

I’ll be your best friend.

Women athletes and sportswriters everywhere thank you.

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