This is how I happened to see a person Irish dancing a la Riverdance to White Zombie.

By a person, I mean, my daughter. The same daughter who earlier in the day told me that Alice in Chains reminded her of spaghetti.

And then I was certain I had seen everything.

Until I turned my back on them to type this.

When I spun back around there was some sort of Fifth of Beethoven striptease happening on my coffee table.

This was not what Walter Murphy OR Ludwig Van had in mind.

Ah, what do I know. Maybe it was what he envisioned. Maybe that is why he always looks so pissy. Nobody likes it when people dance on their coffee table.

Hat tip to Laurie, Google Reader and NPR.

Muppets are also pretty good at death metal.

Damn. Felix Mendelssohn is out of my network.

Seriously people, can I get an introduction around here?

You know who else is on LinkedIn? Bach, Beethoven, Mozart… I don’t mean to be crass, but I was under the impression that you had to be alive to have a profile. I guess I was mistaken.

As I walked down the hall I could hear them singing: Happy birthday to me, I’m 103, I’m still in pre-school and I am naked.

It isn’t their birthday, they are out of pre-school and it isn’t a very good rhyme but the unclothed part was true.

Both of them were sitting at the dining room table butt ass naked and eating bagels.

(Butt ass naked sounds right in my head, but looks crazy typed out like that.)

See Mommy! We’re naked!

Then they laughed like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened. I smiled at them, put the cream cheese back in the refrigerator, made some coffee and then announced it was taco day at school as if everything was normal.

Because at least they weren’t fighting or crying.

It turns out that nudity is something I can handle in the morning and you know what else? Nobody got on the bus with food on their clothes today.

I would say over all that the naked breakfast, although completely unexpected, still made more sense than “Naked Lunch.”

Do you guys remember a long time ago when I told you that Larry Birkhead bought $2800 of Anna Nicole Smith’s lingerie after she died so that their daughter, Dannielynn, would have something to remember her mother by?

Remember, you were sad because you were hoping that you too could own some of a dead woman’s underthings?

What? You weren’t sad? Well, let’s pretend for a second that you were sad because deep down inside you really wanted nothing more than a used 38D white nylon bra that was worn by none other than Anna Nicole Smith.

I have fantastic news for you!

Right now on eBay the bid is only up to $39.99!
It is a deal, it is a steal, it is the sale of the fucking century!

This next bra comes with a hat.

And this super classy picture looks like it was taken in somebody’s yard.

That somebody most likely being Anna Nicole Smith’s “best friend” and ex-boyfriend’s sister, Jackie Hatten. I don’t mean to be all judgy but none of my ex-boyfriend’s siblings have collections of my bras or panties.

I hope.

Although that could explain where some of my socks have gone. CHERYL.

The disappointing news is that all of the panties have been removed by eBay who actually had the good taste to take down the items for being unhygienic. The good news is that you still have six days and 18 hours to bid on Anna Nicole Smith’s sports bra.

Also up for auction: Anna Nicole’s garter belts, sunglasses, powder brush, nail polish, earrings, or my personal favorite, an owned and worn flag bandana.

A perfect gift for the person that has everything already – because I don’t care who you are, you probably don’t already own that.

What is this world coming to that we auction off dead celebrities drawers on the internet, and which is more offensive, the loved ones who want to profit off of their famous dead loved ones or the people who buy Anna Nicole Smith’s used g-strings?

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I can’t think of anything either.

I said: “Yes. This might sound strange, but I am looking for the Wienermobile.”

All three of us stifled back some laughter and he said “Actually, I know exactly what you are talking about and it was parked out front earlier.”

I was excited. When I woke up that morning I saw this from my hotel room window.

THE WIENERMOBILE!

I know. It is kind of stupid, but did you know that they don’t just let anybody ride in The Wienermobile? I know this because the commoners who were walking by (and by commoners I mean people who weren’t at my conference) weren’t allowed on. But the wiener lady let Laurie and I get into the giant hot dog!

We’re laughing like that because the wiener lady would not stop saying things like “Does one of you want to sit shot bun?” and “We’re all wieners” and “It is bunderful.”

Really. She did. And she did it deadpan.

And she didn’t stop as we drove around Houston.

To be frank with you it was fairly surreal.

The wiener lady gave me these stickers. That said “I tweeted from the Wienermobile”.

So I did.

And it was good.

When we got back to the hotel we ran into Tanis and took some more pictures because 1) It was a blogging conference and that is what we do and 2) IT WAS THE FUCKING WIENERMOBILE!

You would think that that would be the end of my story, but you would be wrong.

When I got back to The Four Seasons I ran into my new friend Paula who had hours earlier uncovered a Wienermobile conspiracy! Paula had been for a wiener  ride (not a euphemism) earlier and she asked the wiener guy about the Wienermobile that crashed into a house in Wisconsin last July. He denied that it was a crash and instead the weenie driver backed up under somebody’s porch and got stuck, but FOX News reported the driver lost control.

And the video is gone.

Paula is a self-proclaimed sausage expert. I’m not kidding. She had almost as many sausage related anecdotes as the wiener girl had hot dog puns (or hot dog buns if you will). Cover up? Conspiracy? Story nobody cares about? You be the judge.

Either way, I got to ride in the Wienermobile.