August 6, 2008 | Parenting, Sports, The Goon Squad

Ian said “When I grow up I am going to play for the Redskins on tv. I am going to be a throwing back.”

My children have become Washington Redskins fans behind my back. When I turned on the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday night both kids started yelling “Go Redskins!” with no prompting.

I want to lay down the law and explain to them that in THIS house we root for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but I don’t want to quash their individualism.

I understand that the Redskins are now our home team. and I respect that. I want them to be able to think for themselves and make their own decisions.

And I suppose either way they will learn the agony of rooting for a losing team.

July 31, 2008 | Parenting, Perfect Post, Potty Training, The Blue One

Dear Everyone Who Encouraged Me to Potty Train My Children,

My kids are four years old now and they are finally potty trained.

(Yeah, it took me two entire years to accomplish potty training. I consider it a long term goal.)

Yes, it is wonderful that I am saving buttloads of money on pull-ups and diapers. Yes, I appreciate the freedom of not having to change 8 - 20 diapers a day. (Twins, people.) Yes, I am glad they are no longer the only children in their class who aren’t toilet trained and that this is probably a huge step towards getting them out of the house and marrying them off.

I had been warned about boys peeing all over the toilet seat.

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t believe you. It is just that Gabe is really good about aiming (as far as I can tell) and apparently so were my Dad and brother. I don’t ever remember it being a big problem.

Even now, it isn’t so much the pee on the seat. When it is your baby boy’s pee it isn’t a big deal to be wiping it off the seat. I mean - I changed his diaper for FOUR YEARS I am familiar with his urine. The problem is the smell.

My kids entire bathroom smells like pee.

A lot.

It isn’t even that Ian is so bad at aiming. It is that he is really bad at focusing on the task at hand.

The other day he came out of the bathroom and informed me that he had a little accident. No, he didn’t pee in his pants. He peed all over the shower curtain.

How does one accidentally pee all over the shower curtain?

In short, while I am thrilled that my children are now housebroken I would like to warn all other mothers of boys who are not yet potty trained.

Be careful what you wish for.

Or just buy a lot of bleach.

Love,

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

________________________

Don’t forget to check out the Perfect Post Awards. This month I awarded my buddy Stimey for her post How to Save Up for Your Vacation. It made me laugh. A lot.

July 30, 2008 | Parenting

The Goon Squad and I were on our way to the grocery store today when I found myself in one of those predicaments.

Somebody was tailgating me.

I don’t mean the awesome party before the football game with beer and bratwurst. I mean the kind where some punk in a tiny little midlife crisis Saturn Sky was all up in my business. He was waaaaaay to close. I could hardly see him in my rear view mirror.

So I did what any would would do. I slowed down.

We played that game for about one minute and then - in a wide, but only one lane in each direction street - he passed me on the right.

I was pissed. For one thing he turned into a shopping center parking lot about 1/10th of a mile later but also, and more importantly, my children were in the car.

Then I turned into the lioness.

I used to be a very confrontational person. I used to pick fights with strangers. I mean, only if I had a reason, but I was never one to let things go. Then I had twins and I learned about patience.

So anyway, I was mad at this douche who put our lives in danger so he could be cool and pass me.

So I followed his little green convertible ass into the parking lot. And I followed him to his spot.

And then I blocked him into his parking spot and rolled down my window.

Then I waited while he put up the top to his car.

“Hey! That was really dangerous, and I want you to know I have two little kids in my car and you could have killed us.”

“I…uh… sorry. I late to flight.”

“You could have seriously hurt somebody.”

“I sorry. I lose my flight.”

“You are late to for flight? So you stopped at the Micro Center?

He nodded.

“You have plenty of time to put the top up on your car but you had to PASS ME IN MY LANE? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY DRIVING LIKE THAT!”

He apologized again, but what a jackass. What I didn’t tell him was that my Minivan could have smashed his little plastic car and had I been alone in my big steel vehicle I would have attempted to run him off the road.

Because I am PMSing. And that would have been hilarious.

But I seriously think what made me so mad was that the kids were in the car with me. He risked the lives of my children. It is my job to protect them and I feel like I did that today.

And I know I am a good mother because I didn’t go key his car after he went into the store.

That would have set a bad example.

July 8, 2008 | Parenting, The Blue One

I know that it would be expensive and I understand that he will probably grow out of them in the next month or so but I honestly think if I put lo-jack on Ian’s shoes it would save me time and ease my mental strife.

What do you think?

July 1, 2008 | Parenting, The Blue One

Me: We’re going to the beach tomorrow. Won’t that be fun?

Ian: Mama, I don’t want you to go.

Me: You don’t want me to go?

Ian: No, just me and Claudia and Nonny and Papa. You stay here.

Me: Why don’t you want me to go to the beach with you? Is it because you get away with more when you go to the beach with Nonny and Papa?

Ian: Yes. You stay home.

June 30, 2008 | Parenting, The Blue One

I feel confident that I hold the world record for saying “Ian, please put your underpants back on.” more times than anyone else. Ever.

June 25, 2008 | Now I've Seen Everything, Parenting, The Pink One, The Unexplained

“Mommy!” she yells. “Look at me! I have a tail.”

Then she runs by with a pair of underpants shoved in her butt.

NOW I’ve seen everything.

June 17, 2008 | Parenting

Yesterday I decided not to take the kids to the pool (no, that is NOT a euphemism) because the weather report said there was going to be rain.

Instead we were watching a movie. Well - The Goon Squad was watching a movie, I was writing a post for one of my sites.

So I was deep in thought when I hear this terrible noise. I looked up from the monitor and glanced out the window.

It was raining sideways.

The trees were going crazy and it was loud. Not just rain loud, but scary noise loud.

I don’t know if I have been watching too much news or if The Wizard of Oz scarred me for life, but I immediately thought tornado.

I grabbed the kids and made them go into our “safe place”. We have a closet downstairs that is pretty much in the middle of the house. There are no windows and it backs up to a bathroom. Makes sense for a safe room right?

Here is the problem. I never got around to talking to my kids about tornadoes. We never talked about the safe closet and I was trying not to scare them. Not that they weren’t already ill at ease - the lights were flickering on and off, it was suddenly hurricaning outside and their mother was acting crazy and trying to make them get in a closet.

The whole episode didn’t even last that long. The storm blew by us after about 20 minutes and it took some trees with it leaving us without electricity. Everything turned out okay. As far as I know there wasn’t even a tornado near us yesterday but it scared me.

So afterwards the kids and I sat in the dark and talked about tornadoes and safe places. Through the glory that is my iPhone I was able to show them pictures.

They handled it well but I freaked myself out.

Last night I had a nightmare that a twister ripped through our house and I had to lay on top of my children to protect them.

Just when I think I am getting a hang of this parenting thing something like this happens and I realize I am completely clueless. How can I prepare my children for everything without making them paranoid lunatics?

June 5, 2008 | Parenting, Proof of My Immaturity, The Blue One

As you may remember (from such posts as the last one) Ian keeps randomly taking off his pants.

Well, maybe not so much randomly as constantly.

He runs up to me this morning “Look at me Mommy! I’m naked! I’m crazy!”

And I say “Yes, I can see your** nuts.”

I kill myself.

_____

*You guys know what I’m talking about, right? A guy walks into a doctors office dressed completely in saran wrap and says “Hey Doc, I think I’m going crazy.” and the doctor says “Yes, I can see you’re** nuts.”

** Since it is a play on words I don’t know which to use you’re or your. Devra says it is you’re but I’m not sure so I used both.

June 4, 2008 | Parenting, The Blue One

Ian keeps taking his pants off for no reason.

Three or four times a day I turn around and he is naked from the waist down.

Is this a normal four year old boy phase or am I raising some sort of future pervert flasher?