(Laurie and Suebob should stop reading now)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Diarrhea.

I turned my head as his mother scolded him for that kind of talk at the table because I was laughing and I didn’t want to encourage his behavior. His second joke was “Why did the diarrhea cross the road?”*  Then he said – and he said it really loud and we were in a restaurant – “WHAT? YOU DON’T LIKE DIARRHEA?”

I had to hide behind my child so that Todd couldn’t see that I was laughing so hard I was shaking.

I know it is inappropriate lunch conversation. I know that I am a parent and a grown up and it takes a village and I should be throwing him stern glances as his own mother tries to raise him right, but dammit, diarrhea is funny.

Especially when it crosses the road.

* He never gave an answer. I think that one was rhetorical.

I think my questions are obvious:

1)   There is wallpaper in the airplane lavatories? I have to pay $25 per bag and six bucks for a shitty sandwich and United is spending money on wallpapering the restrooms? What the hell?

2)   Who is small enough to fit in there and wallpaper the place? Are there children performing this task? Is Twiggy working for the airlines? 

3)   Somebody is actually in charge for buying the wallpaper for airplane. Someone gets paid to do this. Weird.

4)   Number three wasn’t really a question at all was it?

5)   If I weren’t a blogger would I spend significantly less time  pondering airplane restrooms? Or would I just bother my husband with this sort of nonsense?

6) Wait – but I am a blogger. Can I write this flight off now that I’ve written this?

7) This is exactly the sort of crap that is preventing me from getting a book deal, isn’t it?

Full disclosure: I was not at all able to refrain from laughing at that last one. I think I may have even snorted causing him to say “But Mommy, it’s true. My upper nut hurts.” which crushed me on my insides and made my outsides laugh even harder.

On a related topic, what do you call the area right above a person’s penis? I guess I should have sucked it up and taken anatomy and physiology after all.

Just to prove my point about my life being funny I got this text message from my husband less than five hours later:

While yes, I would like to take credit for presenting things in a funny way, the truth is that my family is hysterical, my friends are hilarious and I see humor all over the place.

There is actually more about the panel, Why Women are so 2.0, here if you are interested.

* * *
The irony is that neither can read or write very well, but they are already using social media of sorts. They are calling it “Chat Room”. The apples don’t fall very far from the tree.

Yes, I am talking about my five year olds and no, I have no idea what I was thinking.

I realize you are expecting me to say that they ordered a years worth of Highlights magazines (because those people call me three times a week. I wish that was an exaggeration.) or that someone called 911 but that isn’t what happened.

What happened was that before I got done conditioning my hair I could hear the screaming through the closed bathroom door.

They were fighting over who got to answer the phone.

But it never actually rang.

They have been fighting like crazy for days now. I think my children need school just to have time apart.

I’m getting out of the shower and I have both children in the bathroom screaming and crying and Ian is clutching the telephone.

I tell them that they can take turns answering the phone.

Claudia says that will never work because two people won’t call.

I say I can arrange to have people call.

This is true, but Claudia screams that it isn’t true and her brother ruined her life and this was the worst day ever EVER EVER!

And I am trying to get out of the bathroom in a towel and it is cold and my clothes are on the other side of that little banshee and I ended up doing something that I am not at all proud of.

I invoked Santa Claus.

I said “If you want a stocking full of coal you just keep this up because Santa can hear you.”

I know. I am a terrible person and a liar.

So Claudia stops screaming. Not because she gives a rats ass what I think about Santa but because something entirely different.

She smirks and says “Santa can’t see you when you are pooping.”

I say “Well sure he can. I don’t know why he would want to, but he probably can.”

Then she says “He would see your butt!”

Then peals of laughter as both kids are overcome with the giggles.

Because of butts.

And Santa.

So they stopped fighting for five minutes.

But then the phone rang.

I will never make it to 2010 at this rate.

Gabe says that once you have read the first rule the second rule should be a given.

Good God, what happened in that pool to require this sign?

Never mind, don’t tell me. I didn’t see it until after I was done swimming.

They think I am the greatest comedian that ever lived.

It isn’t as if he waited until the twins were five to show them, but now Ian has the secret.

Last night Ian pulled off his first effective job. He rushed over to me “Mommy! Mommy! Quick! Pull my finger!”

And I did.

And it was good.

It’s the circle of life and it moves us all.