July 31, 2008 | Parenting, Perfect Post, Potty Training, The Blue One

Dear Everyone Who Encouraged Me to Potty Train My Children,

My kids are four years old now and they are finally potty trained.

(Yeah, it took me two entire years to accomplish potty training. I consider it a long term goal.)

Yes, it is wonderful that I am saving buttloads of money on pull-ups and diapers. Yes, I appreciate the freedom of not having to change 8 - 20 diapers a day. (Twins, people.) Yes, I am glad they are no longer the only children in their class who aren’t toilet trained and that this is probably a huge step towards getting them out of the house and marrying them off.

I had been warned about boys peeing all over the toilet seat.

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t believe you. It is just that Gabe is really good about aiming (as far as I can tell) and apparently so were my Dad and brother. I don’t ever remember it being a big problem.

Even now, it isn’t so much the pee on the seat. When it is your baby boy’s pee it isn’t a big deal to be wiping it off the seat. I mean - I changed his diaper for FOUR YEARS I am familiar with his urine. The problem is the smell.

My kids entire bathroom smells like pee.

A lot.

It isn’t even that Ian is so bad at aiming. It is that he is really bad at focusing on the task at hand.

The other day he came out of the bathroom and informed me that he had a little accident. No, he didn’t pee in his pants. He peed all over the shower curtain.

How does one accidentally pee all over the shower curtain?

In short, while I am thrilled that my children are now housebroken I would like to warn all other mothers of boys who are not yet potty trained.

Be careful what you wish for.

Or just buy a lot of bleach.

Love,

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

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Don’t forget to check out the Perfect Post Awards. This month I awarded my buddy Stimey for her post How to Save Up for Your Vacation. It made me laugh. A lot.

May 2, 2008 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Cats, The Pink One

Me: Okay. I’m getting in the shower if anybody needs me.

Silence.

Me: Did you hear me? I will be in the shower if anyone needs anything.

Goon Squad: (not even looking up) Uh huh.

No more than two minutes later I hear running in the hall.

Claudia: Mommy! Mommy! Where are you?!

Me: I’M IN THE SHOWER!

Claudia: (Comes into the bathroom and trows open the shower curtain letting in a lot of cold air) Mommy! Mommy! It’s the greatest thing ever! Come see!

Me: I’m in the shower. What it it?

Claudia: It is the greatest thing ever! I’ll give you a hint. It goes in the potty and it isn’t yellow.

Me: What could it be?

Claudia: I pooped in the potty! You’ve got to come see it.

Me: Okay, when I get out of the shower I’ll come see your poop.

Claudia: Ok! (runs away)

42 seconds later I hear running in the hall and the bathroom door opens again.

Claudia: Mommy, when are you going to come look at my poop?

Me: I am in the shower. I am washing my hair.

Claudia: Can I see?

Shower curtain opens again, letting in more cold air.

Claudia: Oh. good job Mom.

Me: Thanks.

Claudia: How much longer will you be in the shower.

Me: 4 minutes.

One minute later the bathroom door opens again.

Sid: Meow. Meow. MEOW!

(You have got to be fucking kidding me)

Me: Sid, I am in the shower.

Small grey head pop inside the shower curtain letting in cold air.

Sid: Meow. Meow. meow.

Me: Let me guess. There is something brown in your litter box that I have to come see.

Claudia: (reappearing) Mommy! I see a kitty! What is Sid doing in the shower?

Me: I have no idea. Can I just shower in peace?

Curtain

February 26, 2008 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Pink One

Claudia was pretending to take her babies to the grocery store the other day.

Gabe asked her what they were shopping for.

She told him that she was going to buy her babies some stool softener.

I think you all realize that I am not clever enough to make this up on my own. What kind of three year old even knows what stool softener is?

You know, someday my kids are going to be healthy and potty trained and I am going to have to quit blogging because I won’t have anything to write about.

February 14, 2008 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Pink One

Q: What kind of lunatic voluntarily pees demands to use the restroom in the grocery store, but pees in her pants when she is 15 feet away from her own, freshly cleaned bathroom and maybe 5 or 6 feet away from a training potty?

A: This kind:

I mean good Christ! Have you been in a grocery store bathroom?

January 18, 2008 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Pink One, potty humor

Claudia just told me that I was going to have a “Big, big brown surprise”.

I feel fairly confident that she isn’t referring to the big brown machine.

Oh, she just said it will be “The biggest surprise you have ever seen”.

The good news: She is sitting on the potty. We may be in the midst of a breakthrough.

The bad news: I’m kind of scared.

Update: She was not kidding. She wasn’t kidding on any accounts.

January 16, 2008 | Potty Training, The Blue One

There is nothing like watching your son army crawling under the stall door in a public restroom to make you think -Huh, maybe I don’t want him to be potty trained after all.

November 1, 2007 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Goon Squad, The Pink One

My kids still aren’t potty trained.

As a bonus, they are reluctant to let me change their Pull Ups. I mean, I go out of my way to buy the kind with “cool alert” hoping that they will be uncomfortable and want to change.

Anyway, we had a big morning where we ran a bunch of errands. The Squad were basically pretty good so I took them through the McDonalds drive-thru (I feel stupid typing thru, but that is how they spell it) and so as a direct result both kids pooped in their pants within twenty minutes.

Then they don’t want to change their Pull-Ups.

This drives me crazy. I ask them 50 times to get a pair of underpants or a new Pull-Up so that we can get them changed. I even accused them of being super stinky.

Finally, I was so frustrated that I said “Do you want to change your pants or do you want to sit in your own feces all day?”.

And of course I get this answer from my daughter.

“We want to sit in our own feces.”

There is a sentence I never thought I would hear.

So now my children are sitting in their own crap (or probably standing if you want the truth) and I am sitting here, feces free, telling the entire internet about it.

I am an excellent parent.

September 18, 2007 | Parenting, Potty Training, Preschool, The Blue One

So far my kids have had three days of school. Well, one half day and two full days.

So far Ian has pooped in his pants every single day of school. The first two days he wore underpants.

Yesterday, the director of the school asked me to please bring him to school in pull ups. Not his teacher, the director.  So, I am THAT mom. I am the one mom of the only two three year olds in the class that aren’t potty trained.

I am actually trying to decide if I should be embarrassed, frustrated, or if I should just laugh and be glad I didn’t have to change him those three times.

August 16, 2007 | Potty Training

I had big plans for yesterday.

Well, big plans considering we have been on potty training lock down for over a week now.

We were going to go grocery shopping in the morning, then we were going to go to the pool. Of course, the kids were insane, so even though I began trying to get to the store at 9:00am, by 4:00pm I had completely given up on leaving the house at all and decided to order Chinese food for dinner.

So for today I planned ahead. I started prepping the kids yesterday.

Okay, tomorrow we are going to get up and eat breakfast. Then we are going to go to the doctors office and drop off some paperwork for them to fill out for school. Then we will go to the grocery store. If you guys are good we can go to the pool Sound good?

Then I got them to repeat it back to me. They were ready: doctor, store, pool.

So guess what?

(stupid map wouldn’t copy the words, but I assure you I live where it is raining)

August 10, 2007 | Parenting, Potty Training, The Goon Squad

After a full week of potty training lock down things are looking up on the pee front.

If you noticed that it would seem like Claudia has peed into the future, do not be alarmed. Those are just from the times that she was putting her stickers on while I was supervising Ian’s urination.

I told them that they can’t go anywhere until they both poop in the potty. Hopefully we will be able to leave the house by 2008.