This meant that all day long things were cool. Everybody used the toilet as needed, and then at night they would wear a pull-up.

A month, or maybe two months later the boy was waking up every morning with a dry pull-up. Ta da! Night trained! It was joyous and way cheaper and I didn’t really have to do anything except make sure he went to the bathroom right before he went to bed and right after he woke up.

Because if he didn’t use the toilet right after he woke up, he would use the conveniently placed pull-up instead.

The girl has been an entirely different story. We’ve tried every non-surgical trick in the book. She just sleeps so hard! It isn’t lack of will, it is just that when she is asleep, she is asleep. If she wets the bed she doesn’t even notice.

After talking to other parents (including my own – apparently I had the same problem which isn’t really much of a surprise since I have been known to sleep through sonic booms) I realized that she would eventually wake up and go to the bathroom when she had to pee at night. This is a common thing and that is why they can get away with charging $19.99 for a pack of 27 big kid overnight pull-ups. So for now, we go to the bathroom at bedtime and then before I go to bed I take her to the bathroom again.

Everyone says that nobody ever goes off to college in a diaper.

Two days ago I ran out of pull-ups.

No big deal, we decided. She would try to stay dry. She would see if she could do it.

At 10:00 I went to take her to the bathroom. She was dry! Hooray!

I walked her down the hall.

Our bathroom is maybe three feet from Claudia’s bedroom door. Her bed is approximately ten feet from the toilet. This is not a long trip, but there are two turns and she almost always misses one. I’m not kidding. This is how hard she sleeps. I honestly think that most nights she walks to the bathroom, uses the toilet and goes back to bed without ever actually waking up.

Which would explain why last night she sat down without pulling down her pajama shorts and peed right through them.

Sigh.

Right through the shorts into the toilet.

That explains that, but it doesn’t really address why neither she nor I found it important for her to put anything back on the bottom half of her person before she went back to bed.

I have no reasonable explanation for that unless you count laziness, but it does lead me to this morning when a small girl walked into my bedroom where I was sleeping and said.

“I should warn you. I’m not wearing any pants.”

That is one hell of a way to wake up.

* * *
The irony is that neither can read or write very well, but they are already using social media of sorts. They are calling it “Chat Room”. The apples don’t fall very far from the tree.

Like, wouldn’t tight jeans be really uncomfortable?

and

If you are wearing boxers does it just fall out sometimes when you are walking around?

and

If you stand up to pee what happens when you are surprised by poop?

Well lucky me. Guess which one of these questions was answered for me today?

(I’ll give you a moment to look back over your choices.)

Yes, as the proud mother of a five year old boy I found out exactly what happens when a person is taken off guard by a stealth poop while one is standing up to urinate.

For those people without children (or with all girls) what happens is a boy poops on the floor.

And his legs.

And his pants.

And his underpants.

And the bath mat.

So while the idea of peeing my name in the snow still seems kind of cool, for today I’ll just be happy that I sit down when I pee.

Just in case.

***

ps -  And for those of you with all girls, this is your chance to gloat. You know the 5 year old boy wasn’t the one cleaning up the stray poo.

pps -  I abstained from inserting a picture into this post. You are welcome.

Not once.

“I am going to the bathroom and I am going to go poop and I am not calling you in to help me wipe because I am going to wipe all by myself and it is going to be a lot of poop. More poop than you ever had in your life. Hmph.”

Burn me.

My kids are four years old now and they are finally potty trained.

(Yeah, it took me two entire years to accomplish potty training. I consider it a long term goal.)

Yes, it is wonderful that I am saving buttloads of money on pull-ups and diapers. Yes, I appreciate the freedom of not having to change 8 – 20 diapers a day. (Twins, people.) Yes, I am glad they are no longer the only children in their class who aren’t toilet trained and that this is probably a huge step towards getting them out of the house and marrying them off.

I had been warned about boys peeing all over the toilet seat.

It wasn’t so much that I didn’t believe you. It is just that Gabe is really good about aiming (as far as I can tell) and apparently so were my Dad and brother. I don’t ever remember it being a big problem.

Even now, it isn’t so much the pee on the seat. When it is your baby boy’s pee it isn’t a big deal to be wiping it off the seat. I mean – I changed his diaper for FOUR YEARS I am familiar with his urine. The problem is the smell.

My kids entire bathroom smells like pee.

A lot.

It isn’t even that Ian is so bad at aiming. It is that he is really bad at focusing on the task at hand.

The other day he came out of the bathroom and informed me that he had a little accident. No, he didn’t pee in his pants. He peed all over the shower curtain.

How does one accidentally pee all over the shower curtain?

In short, while I am thrilled that my children are now housebroken I would like to warn all other mothers of boys who are not yet potty trained.

Be careful what you wish for.

Or just buy a lot of bleach.

Love,

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

________________________

Don’t forget to check out the Perfect Post Awards. This month I awarded my buddy Stimey for her post How to Save Up for Your Vacation. It made me laugh. A lot.

Silence.

Me: Did you hear me? I will be in the shower if anyone needs anything.

Goon Squad: (not even looking up) Uh huh.

No more than two minutes later I hear running in the hall.

Claudia: Mommy! Mommy! Where are you?!

Me: I’M IN THE SHOWER!

Claudia: (Comes into the bathroom and trows open the shower curtain letting in a lot of cold air) Mommy! Mommy! It’s the greatest thing ever! Come see!

Me: I’m in the shower. What it it?

Claudia: It is the greatest thing ever! I’ll give you a hint. It goes in the potty and it isn’t yellow.

Me: What could it be?

Claudia: I pooped in the potty! You’ve got to come see it.

Me: Okay, when I get out of the shower I’ll come see your poop.

Claudia: Ok! (runs away)

42 seconds later I hear running in the hall and the bathroom door opens again.

Claudia: Mommy, when are you going to come look at my poop?

Me: I am in the shower. I am washing my hair.

Claudia: Can I see?

Shower curtain opens again, letting in more cold air.

Claudia: Oh. good job Mom.

Me: Thanks.

Claudia: How much longer will you be in the shower.

Me: 4 minutes.

One minute later the bathroom door opens again.

Sid: Meow. Meow. MEOW!

(You have got to be fucking kidding me)

Me: Sid, I am in the shower.

Small grey head pop inside the shower curtain letting in cold air.

Sid: Meow. Meow. meow.

Me: Let me guess. There is something brown in your litter box that I have to come see.

Claudia: (reappearing) Mommy! I see a kitty! What is Sid doing in the shower?

Me: I have no idea. Can I just shower in peace?

Curtain

Gabe asked her what they were shopping for.

She told him that she was going to buy her babies some stool softener.

I think you all realize that I am not clever enough to make this up on my own. What kind of three year old even knows what stool softener is?

You know, someday my kids are going to be healthy and potty trained and I am going to have to quit blogging because I won’t have anything to write about.

A: This kind:

[picture disappeared when photrade suddenly shut down]

I mean good Christ! Have you been in a grocery store bathroom?

I feel fairly confident that she isn’t referring to the big brown machine.

Oh, she just said it will be “The biggest surprise you have ever seen”.

The good news: She is sitting on the potty. We may be in the midst of a breakthrough.

The bad news: I’m kind of scared.

Update: She was not kidding. She wasn’t kidding at all.)