I walked into the kids bathroom today and I thought What the hell ? And then I thought Hey, this is just a caption contest waiting to happen.
So have at it.
Sell photos on photrade | By GoonSquadSarah
As you may remember (from such posts as the last one) Ian keeps randomly taking off his pants.
Well, maybe not so much randomly as constantly.
He runs up to me this morning “Look at me Mommy! I’m naked! I’m crazy!”
And I say “Yes, I can see your** nuts.”
I kill myself.
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*You guys know what I’m talking about, right? A guy walks into a doctors office dressed completely in saran wrap and says “Hey Doc, I think I’m going crazy.” and the doctor says “Yes, I can see you’re** nuts.”
** Since it is a play on words I don’t know which to use you’re or your. Devra says it is you’re but I’m not sure so I used both.
Yesterday I was standing in the checkout lane at the grocery store. I was browsing the magazines on display.
I did a double take. Heidi Klum wants me to do what?
Heidi Klum wants me to have sex in an igloo.
I think Heidi Klum is beautiful and great and I love “Project Runway”. However:
1) Personally I don’t see how it is any of her business.
2) How would I even find an igloo?
3) Now I will never be able to shake the image of Heidi Klum and Seal doing it in an igloo.
4) What the hell? How is that a magazine article? Note to self: Marie Claire is most likely a stupid magazine.
And I apologize for the blurry picture. I took it with my phone. As usual, I feel certain that the person behind me in the line thinks I am a lunatic.
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* The punchline from my favorite joke. Also hilarious because the mighty Heidi Klum is married to Seal
Your comments slayed me yesterday. I can honestly say I cannot remember the last time my comment section made me laugh so hard.
So I vote we talk about pee again today.
And I have the only vote that actually counts.
Suckers.
So just for you I have more peeing stories. Behold!
1) When my brother was a baby one time my Mom was changing his diaper on the kitchen counter. (I have no idea why. That house must have had really great counter space.) Well, you know how it is when you cahnge a baby boy’s diaper, the air hit his junk and he peed. He peed in a huge arc and the urine went straight into my mother’s coffee cup which was on the opposite counter.
2) In college (this story isn’t nearly as nice as the last one) there was this car parked in the yard of the fraternity house across the street from the Acacia house. Once upon a time this car had been a hatchback but for some unknown reason it had no hatchback door. It was just open to the elements.
Obviously (to really drunk college students anyway) it became a place for extraordinarily drunk people to pee.
Yes. I peed in the hatchback.
And so did she.
3) Speaking of college, a sorority sister of mine who shall remain unnamed (it wasn’t Tammy) was very drunk and hooked up with some random guy. She woke up in the middle of the night and peed in his laundry basket. Another sister peed in her own garbage can.
4) And then there is this story. I took place one weekend when a bunch of my college friends (I’m sensing a theme here) all met in Orlando for a homecoming game. My friends, we will call them Bill and Jeff (because those are their names) were sharing a hotel room. This story takes place the morning after a long night of drinking.
Jeff: Just waking up. What time is is?
Bill: OH GOD! YOU KNOW?
Jeff: alarmed I know what?
Bill: I peed the bed!
This would be a lot less funny if we weren’t 30 when it happened. Or maybe it would be funnier. I suppose that is up to a debate.
5) Ian thinks that it is a hilarious joke to pee on my foot when we shower together. I do not share this joy.
I don’t know what is going on. Maybe it is the weather, maybe I am getting sick, or maybe I’ve been drinking too much red wine but I have been sleeping unusually soundly.
For the past week or so I have been waking up with at least one limb totally asleep. It is as if I haven’t moved in hours.
Last night Ian woke me up because he wanted water. I went and got him something to drink and I stopped in the bathroom on my way back to bed.
Now I don’t know if I fell back to sleep while I was peeing or what, but I do know this: I got confused as to which bathroom I was in.
How is that even possible? It isn’t as if I have 12 bathrooms in my house. There are just the two of them upstairs and only one of them is connected to my bedroom.
That is the kind of sleeping people do when they end up peeing in a rocking chair in the middle of the night. (I know someone who did that once. Forgive him, he was just a little kid.)
That reminds me of a hilarious story. During my last semester of college I lived with my friends Tammy and Ritch. Tammy was in grad school and she had a job but Ritch and I were only taking one class during the Summer B session so we had a lot more free time on our hands.
One night Ritch and I went out for nickel beer night. (Not as destructive as quarter pitcher night, but still…) The bar itself was fairly uneventful but according to Tammy, Ritch got out of bed that night and urinated right in the corner of their bedroom. She saw the whole thing go down.
I’m sorry to bring it up again because I know Tammy is still mad (and this was 13 years ago. Dear God I’m getting old.) but it cracks me up every single time I think about it.
Oh! Quick informal poll: How many of you know somebody that has gotten drunk and peed on their tv? I know two people that did it and Gabe knows one. You would think it would be a less common phenomenon.
Wasn’t I just talking about sleep? What happened? My posts always seem to end up being about bodily functions. I’d like to apologize to each and every one of you.
Sorry about that.
So tell me a funny pee story. Or retell me the one about Najeh Davenport pooping in a hamper. That one never gets old.
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The lovely ladies over at MamaPop (being one man down since HBM had her baby yesterday) asked me if I would write a guest post. Who am I to refuse a platform to complain about Hell’s Kitchen and profess my love for Top Chef?
You can find me over there late this morning.
How am I supposed to keep a straight face when Claudia keeps calling Ian a Dammit Boy?
We use Pamper’s Kandoo’s all of the time. You know - those flushable wipes that you use for potty training.
I see them all the time.
That is why I laughed so hard when Melissa pointed this out.
In fact, I laughed so hard that I cried.
My favorite part is that he is thinking about throwing the wipe in the toilet.
I still have the sense of humor as a 12 year old boy.
The search term that lead someone to my blog that made me laugh the hardest this week, hands down, is the following:
South Florida Bulls Cornhole.
I know. I know. If there was one little apostrophe I might never stop laughing.
Yes, I know they meant this with the USF Bulls logo on it, but still.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Originally uploaded by Sarah606
I told you people I was immature.
I can’t even make a meatloaf like a grown up. When I make meatloaf it requires a highlighter and a camera.
