The funniest joke I heard all day as told by my four year old neighbor, Todd:
(Laurie and Suebob should stop reading now)
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Diarrhea.
I turned my head as his mother scolded him for that kind of talk at the table because I was laughing and I didn’t want to encourage his behavior. His second joke was “Why did the diarrhea cross the road?”* Then he said – and he said it really loud and we were in a restaurant – “WHAT? YOU DON’T LIKE DIARRHEA?”
I had to hide behind my child so that Todd couldn’t see that I was laughing so hard I was shaking.
I know it is inappropriate lunch conversation. I know that I am a parent and a grown up and it takes a village and I should be throwing him stern glances as his own mother tries to raise him right, but dammit, diarrhea is funny.
Especially when it crosses the road.
(more…)
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
3:12 pm |
The hardest part about being a parent – besides the sleep deprivation and all of the crushing responsibility – is keeping a straight face when I say things like “Pu-pu platters are not funny!” or “Nobody wants to see you shaking your butt all day long.” or “That isn’t really called an upper nut.”
Full disclosure: I was not at all able to refrain from laughing at that last one. I think I may have even snorted causing him to say “But Mommy, it’s true. My upper nut hurts.” which crushed me on my insides and made my outsides laugh even harder.
On a related topic, what do you call the area right above a person’s penis? I guess I should have sucked it up and taken anatomy and physiology after all.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
8:52 am |
You know, sometimes you think you are past something. You may not think about it for months at a time. It doesn’t seem like something that bothers you anymore but then there is that name and all the anger boils back up to the surface.
I used to hold crazy grudges. There was a time that I was proud that I did not forgive people. I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. Even now if you piss me off bad enough I just stop knowing you.
I’m not even talking about an old boyfriend. I am talking about the first girl who was my friend who I trusted who betrayed that trust. We were in 10th grade when she tried to steal my boyfriend.
The guy in question wasn’t even worth a damn. My life would probably be a better place had she succeeded. He was a jerk and he ended up cheating on me anyway, but at least it was with someone I didn’t know.
The point is that I never really had any faith in the boy. One time he lectured me on how important it was how many syllables a band name had – you know, because of the chanting at arena shows. He wasn’t really much of a catch. Last I heard he had a nice job at a gas station. He talked so much trash that I wasn’t really all that surprised when it turned out that he had two girlfriends at one time. I was disappointed but not shocked that he was a liar.
I trusted her. She was my friend. I told her my secrets. I never thought in a million years that she would would betray me.
But she did.
She really, really did and I vowed I would never forgive her.
I was 16. It was 21 years ago.
Last night I was in my kitchen, checking my e-mail and there her name is in the subject line.
Hi Sarah,
Your Nemesis wants to be friends with you on Facebook.
Of course it was her real name and I don’t even know if I’m not telling you her name out of respect or it is because I feel like I would have to spit every time I read it. I had no idea I was still angry.
I’ve had shitty friends since then but really, I just walk away. If I can’t totally walk away I will distance myself slowly. I don’t need to pledge revenge anymore. Most of the time I don’t even let it get to me.
But this – THIS – has me angry all over again and my only guess as to why is that she was the first girl who ever really fucked me over.
I guess I have been lucky. I have had, and still have many close friends. I am the girl who had trouble keeping my wedding party down to five people. I make friends easily and I must usually be a good judge of character because I have a lot of friends who have been in my life for over 20 years who have never betrayed me.
I really don’t understand why I feel sick to my stomach. I understand even less why I am so offended that she would think I would accept her friend request. She probably doesn’t even remember what happened. It was more than half my life ago.
And if you are wondering, no I did not accept. I don’t want to see her pictures. I don’t care how many children she has. It would not make me feel better if she gained a bunch of weight. I don’t want to know where she lives or what she does for a living. I don’t even want her to die anymore, but I really, really wish she wouldn’t try to be my friend.
And deep down inside I guess I still hope she gets really horrible diarrhea in a place with a really dirty restroom.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
4:47 pm |
When we walked down to the lobby the concierge said “Can I help you ladies?”
I said: “Yes. This might sound strange, but I am looking for the Wienermobile.”
All three of us stifled back some laughter and he said “Actually, I know exactly what you are talking about and it was parked out front earlier.”
I was excited. When I woke up that morning I saw this from my hotel room window.
THE WIENERMOBILE!
I know. It is kind of stupid, but did you know that they don’t just let anybody ride in The Wienermobile? I know this because the commoners who were walking by (and by commoners I mean people who weren’t at my conference) weren’t allowed on. But the wiener lady let Laurie and I get into the giant hot dog!
We’re laughing like that because the wiener lady would not stop saying things like “Does one of you want to sit shot bun?” and “We’re all wieners” and “It is bunderful.”
Really. She did. And she did it deadpan.
And she didn’t stop as we drove around Houston.
To be frank with you it was fairly surreal.
The wiener lady gave me these stickers. That said “I tweeted from the Wienermobile”.
So I did.
And it was good.
When we got back to the hotel we ran into Tanis and took some more pictures because 1) It was a blogging conference and that is what we do and 2) IT WAS THE FUCKING WIENERMOBILE!
(more…)
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
1:33 am |
These made me laugh. That is all.
The Entire Day?
via
via
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
8:19 am |
