Boner.

Yes, I know I am immature and I have embraced that about myself, but admit it. You laughed when you read boner didn’t you?

Whatever, here is why I bring it up. During the Monday Night Football game this week (thanks a LOT Jets, you cost me my office pool) they were of course advertising Cialis or some other wiener medication and the guy on the commercial was running through the list of possible side effects: headaches, memory loss, stuffy nose, back pain, upset stomach, blurred vision and I said to Gabe “Oh my God! I think somebody is slipping me Cialis. I have ALL of those side effects!”

Now. I really do have all of those side effects. Probably mostly due to aging and poor diet. But the thing is I really said “Oh my God! I think somebody is slipping me Cialis. I have ALL of those side effects… well, those and this raging boner.”

And then I laughed for a good five minutes – not because of my wit and not because I was uncomfortable when I realized I have all of those ailments and I’m not even sick – no, I was laughing that hard because I said boner.

I am somebody’s wife and  mother of two functioning humans. I have three successful businesses. I am a well-respected blogger.

And I think the word boner is absolutely hysterical.

You know what else is funny?

*snort*

My husband works with a gentleman that is trying to bring back the phrase “pop a boner”. I’ve been trying to work it into my everyday speech, but it is surprisingly hard to use in a sentence. The closest I have come so far is “Hey! Pop a boner.” and instead of people thinking that is funny they just assume I am hitting on them, so I am not using that one again.

Anyway, if you are even still reading this nonsense, can you help me come up with a sentence in which the phrase “pop a boner” could be used outside of a middle school?

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

ps – boner

(Laurie and Suebob should stop reading now)

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Diarrhea.

I turned my head as his mother scolded him for that kind of talk at the table because I was laughing and I didn’t want to encourage his behavior. His second joke was “Why did the diarrhea cross the road?”*  Then he said – and he said it really loud and we were in a restaurant – “WHAT? YOU DON’T LIKE DIARRHEA?”

I had to hide behind my child so that Todd couldn’t see that I was laughing so hard I was shaking.

I know it is inappropriate lunch conversation. I know that I am a parent and a grown up and it takes a village and I should be throwing him stern glances as his own mother tries to raise him right, but dammit, diarrhea is funny.

Especially when it crosses the road.

* He never gave an answer. I think that one was rhetorical.

Full disclosure: I was not at all able to refrain from laughing at that last one. I think I may have even snorted causing him to say “But Mommy, it’s true. My upper nut hurts.” which crushed me on my insides and made my outsides laugh even harder.

On a related topic, what do you call the area right above a person’s penis? I guess I should have sucked it up and taken anatomy and physiology after all.

I used to hold crazy grudges. There was a time that I was proud that I did not forgive people. I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. Even now if you piss me off bad enough I just stop knowing you.

I’m not even talking about an old boyfriend. I am talking about the first girl who was my friend who I trusted who betrayed that trust. We were in 10th grade when she tried to steal my boyfriend.

The guy in question wasn’t even worth a damn. My life would probably be a better place had she succeeded. He was a jerk and he ended up cheating on me anyway, but at least it was with someone I didn’t know.

The point is that I never really had any faith in the boy. One time he lectured me on how important it was how many syllables a band name had – you know, because of the chanting at arena shows. He wasn’t really much of a catch. Last I heard he had a nice job at a gas station. He talked so much trash that I wasn’t really all that surprised when it turned out that he had two girlfriends at one time. I was disappointed but not shocked that he was a liar.

I trusted her. She was my friend. I told her my secrets. I never thought in a million years that she would would betray me.

But she did.

She really, really did and I vowed I would never forgive her.

I was 16. It was 21 years ago.

Last night I was in my kitchen, checking my e-mail and there her name is in the subject line.

Hi Sarah,

Your Nemesis wants to be friends with you on Facebook.

I said: “Yes. This might sound strange, but I am looking for the Wienermobile.”

All three of us stifled back some laughter and he said “Actually, I know exactly what you are talking about and it was parked out front earlier.”

I was excited. When I woke up that morning I saw this from my hotel room window.

THE WIENERMOBILE!

I know. It is kind of stupid, but did you know that they don’t just let anybody ride in The Wienermobile? I know this because the commoners who were walking by (and by commoners I mean people who weren’t at my conference) weren’t allowed on. But the wiener lady let Laurie and I get into the giant hot dog!

We’re laughing like that because the wiener lady would not stop saying things like “Does one of you want to sit shot bun?” and “We’re all wieners” and “It is bunderful.”

Really. She did. And she did it deadpan.

And she didn’t stop as we drove around Houston.

To be frank with you it was fairly surreal.

The wiener lady gave me these stickers. That said “I tweeted from the Wienermobile”.

So I did.

And it was good.

When we got back to the hotel we ran into Tanis and took some more pictures because 1) It was a blogging conference and that is what we do and 2) IT WAS THE FUCKING WIENERMOBILE!

You would think that that would be the end of my story, but you would be wrong.

When I got back to The Four Seasons I ran into my new friend Paula who had hours earlier uncovered a Wienermobile conspiracy! Paula had been for a wiener  ride (not a euphemism) earlier and she asked the wiener guy about the Wienermobile that crashed into a house in Wisconsin last July. He denied that it was a crash and instead the weenie driver backed up under somebody’s porch and got stuck, but FOX News reported the driver lost control.

And the video is gone.

Paula is a self-proclaimed sausage expert. I’m not kidding. She had almost as many sausage related anecdotes as the wiener girl had hot dog puns (or hot dog buns if you will). Cover up? Conspiracy? Story nobody cares about? You be the judge.

Either way, I got to ride in the Wienermobile.

The Entire Day?

via

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Since they started Kindergarten I have been sort of neglectful. Their teacher have been doing a great job and they have both been making huge leaps in reading and writing.

Since the weather gods have clearly decided that my children are to be home schooled this month I decided to pull out the HOP box and see how much progress the twins have make in Kindergarten.

It turns out that they are reading really well. They have got the three letter words down pat and they are getting better with sight words (you know, she, what, is, the, etc.) and they are even doing well with the stories.

Then the little book threw us a curve ball.

Or should I say passed us a curve ball?

The sentence was “Tim can pass.”

Ian got the “Tim” and he got the “can’” and then he got stuck.

I said “Sound it out.”

“Paws? Paz? Pahs?”

Against my better judgment I did what I knew would help him.

“What sound does A-S-S make?”

*blank stare*

“What word have I been telling you that you weren’t allowed to spell anymore all week?”

“ASS! PASS!”

He read the word, followed by hysterical laughter and saying the word ass over and over and over until I threatened him with a nap.

And there you have it. The mother of the year award, bring it to me.

Oh yeah, that is his thumb.

I guess I am getting used to this.

I was driving some of my friends from class home yesterday when we had the following conversation.

TODD: I can run faster than anyone in this world.

IAN: I can run faster than a cheetah.

CLAUDIA: I am the fastest land mammal.

PAIGE: I can run up and down the stairs faster than any of you.

CLAUDIA: I can run one million miles an hour.

PAIGE: I can run up and down the stairs sixty miles an hour.

TODD: Oh yeah? I can run from here to North Carolina in 50 miles an hour.

ME: Oh yeah? I can read.

Burn those guys.

I’ve been laughing about it for three days.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

He swears it says Jack.