All by yourself.

In one sitting.

***

In related news, I may need to get my engagement ring re-sized, but hopefully this is just a temporary situation due to extraordinary salt intake.

***

I seriously feel like I am going to explode.

Don’t try this at home.

try really hard not to drop them on your toes, especially if you have bare feet. Trust me on this one. That crap hurts.

*whimper*

In related news, four of my toes are purple.

Getting cayenne pepper in your eye, that is what causes some pain.

What I am here to tell you is that if you take DayQuil after 5:30 pm don’t expect to be falling asleep any time before about midnight.

Even if you go to bed at 9:00.

Trust me on this one.

Make damn sure that you have BOTH children’s bears.

Don’t just look under the bed. Be sure to look between the sheets and the comfortor too.

You are welcome.

(Not doing so may cause crying jags, temper tantrums, five days without a teddy bear, $9.75 in COD costs and the loss of your own blankey as a temporary replacement so that your daughter can sleep.)

You are welcome.

Now, where the hell did I put my Advil?

Babysitters are good, but this is even better. Devra has an 11 1/2 year old, we’ll call him THE MANSITTER (I happen to have it on good authority that he likes to be referred to in all caps). Anyway THE MANSITTER isn’t quite old enough to babysit alone yet, but he is plenty old enough to watch my kids while I actually get things done around the house.

This rules.

I can shower, or do dishes, or laundry, or write things about putting iPhones in your butt. I could probably even get a nap in, assuming I had the time for that kind of thing. Even better, he will run errands with us. THE MANSITTER will accompany The Squad and I to the drug store or the post office (I got stamps in three minutes instead of the usual 45 minutes it takes to get the twins out of the car, into the post office, through the line, get them to stop touching all of the garbage cans, out of the post office and back into the car). He even came to the library with us and picked out books that he liked when he was three.

Plus my MANSITTER knows a lot about football. I will be consulting with him before my fantasy football draft in regards to the AFC West (he’s a Broncos fan).

Did I mention he costs about half as much as an older babysitter, since I can’t leave the house without him? And he will be well groomed to MANSIT for me when he is old enough and our other mansitter (except for my mother-in-law all of my babysitters here are male) goes away to college.

It is really great. I highly suggest you find a mother’s helper. Especially if you ever work from home. I can get more done in the three hours he is around than I can all day if I am alone with The Squad.

Oh yeah, and he wears the kids out so they nap when he leaves.

He is awesomely awesome. You should get one.

Anyway, as I was saying, you know how sometimes you forget you put those Chinese leftovers in the downstairs refrigerator for a while. Maybe until they start to smell.

You know how sometimes you think it is Thursday when really it is Wednesday and maybe you throw away the stinky Chinese food thinking that trash day is tomorrow when trash day is really Friday?

Yeah, it makes your garage smell really, really bad.

So unless you enjoy stench, I’d recommend not doing this.

Nobody go in my garage.

If your wife/girlfriend/significant other gets a hair cut, and you don’t say anything about it, she is going to think you hate it. As in, ‘if you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ Especially if her hair is a completely different color or considerably shorter. It might actually be better to say you liked it the old way better, but she still looks nice than nothing at all. Or she might be silently freaking out until she starts crying for what would appear to be no reason. Even if you liked her new hair the whole time.
Not that I would ever do anything like that. I’m just sayin’.

This might save you some grief in the future.

You are welcome.