I’ll give you a moment to process that.

So yeah, I thought I would look around and see what else was going on.

115 out of the last 1300 people here have arrived by searching for pictures of Fonzie.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my feelings and crafting sentences so that people can find Arthur Fonzarelli.

50 of my last 1300 guests were here looking for hamburger helper. 17 visitors thought they would find nude photos of Laurie Berkner.

Yes. I’ve been trying to convince my mother that I am a respectable writer with a strong internet following and it turns out that a lot of people are just dropping by for this.

I think I don’t understand people.

True story. Scott Ian from Anthrax is married to Pearl Aday, Meat Loaf’s daughter.

In related news, I can’t find a picture of these two together anywhere. How is it even possible that there aren’t any of Scott Ian’s wedding picture on the internet? Maybe I should try to friend him on Facebook.

* * *

There is magic all up in this bitch.

* * *

I was working on a rant about Tiki Barber leaving his wife (his 8 month pregnant with twins wife) leaving his wife for a 23 year old home-wrecking intern, when I found myself doing a google image search for “Tiki Barber Traci Lynn Johnson”.

The very last image hit on the first page caught my eye for two reasons.

1) That woman is not Traci Lynn Johnson.

2) I know for sure, because she is, in fact, my friend Kristen.

3) And I recognize that picture!

I assure you Kristen is no hussy intern,  no matter what Google Image Search says.

* * *

As far as I can remember, Lil Wayne and I have never met and I’m fairly certain we are not related.

I’ve never even heard of Bumpy Johnson, but it sure makes me laugh.

Yes, I’m still a 12 year old boy.

But listen, if Lil Wayne was talking shit about me you guys would tell me, right?

after i get my adenoids out should i get my tounge pierced
Sure. Right after you explain to me what one has to do with the other.

benadryl for birds
Come on! They live outside.

music videos that have a death clock over peoples heads

pictures of a broken penis
Sorry about that, fellas.

My cat’s paws are stuck in glue
Sucks to be your cat.

Yo Gabba Dildo
You are thinking of Muno. (He’s tall and friendly.)

John Cusak’s dating
Nobody tell Bossy. She’ll be crushed.

Lolita farting

auspicious
Just any auspicious thing?

scarlet johannason niples
Good spelling, Spellerson.

These last three were right in a row.

Stay tuned for next week when someone searches for “Spellerson” and having recently made up this word (well, Gabe uses it all the time, but since he doesn’t have a blog I am taking credit) I will be the ONLY hit. Sweet.

Since I know you all wait breathlessly by your Google Reader to see how the perverts, weirdos and misguided searchers ended up reading about my kids and their bowel issues, here goes:

All that you need to know about mason jars

THE UNEXPLAINED
all of it?

for sore hips funny get well card
Whatever, Yoda. Just get a regular funny get well card.

poops on flower are you sure this is what you want to do?
Wha? I’m not sure of how you would even go about pooping on a flower. You’d have to either be really small, have a very large flower, or have fantastic aim.

Photo of DJ Lance Rock not in costume
I looked, I really did. I couldn’t find anything not in costume. But I did find this:

Here is a question I can actually answer:

How can people take pictures when they are drunk? I say, like this.

Such as:

beep beep beep Moonlight Sonata

butt emoticon

body acne pictures

perfect pelvis

“pooped in her” – I don’t even want to know if they meant that or not.

And with questions, like:

Who sang with Milli Vanilli at Six Flags?

pt has pneumonia should he be coughing stuff up?

Who shot Guy Smiley?

And the winner of best search term of the week goes to the freak show that searched for:

zac efron naked showing doodle and tits

Here is the new one I found yesterday:

I don’t know why I love this stuff so much, but I do. Maybe it is because I won my iPod on Blingo, or some Amazon gift certificates on Winzy.

Or maybe I just need a life.

Oh, just go sign up. Remember if you win, I win.*

Just like that.

Come on. Just do it. If for no other reason, do it because you feel sorry for me. I’ll be taking the twins to a birthday party at My Gym. Normally I would be excited, but I still have a lot of pain in my ribs.

Search Term That Freaked Me the F Out:

my pet snake isn’t eating and sleeping beside me

-

Is anyone else getting hundreds of hits a month by people searching “computers internet blog”?

_

Do you think the person looking for “coke and dayquil mix” had coca-cola in mind or cocaine? Either way it makes me jittery just thinking about it.

_

The Hell?

buttcrack recipe

big girls has a wet poopy diapers with pictures

olsen twins in duct tape and skirt

Dayquil makes you smell

drinking games vegetable thins

do cats hibernate?

___

And really, I get this one a lot, but I honestly cannot find the answer so what are the 7 signs of the apocalypse? Do you guys know?

Runner Up: I have to poop McCain.

2nd runner up: Phantom pussy

3rd runner up:can tucky fried chicken.

____

My favorite search question of the week: What kind of jeans do hipsters wear?

____

A conversation that made me scratch my head:

(Claudia and Ian had gotten in trouble for fighting and Claudia was trying to make up with her brother)

Claudia: Here Ian, I brought you a very special whisk.

Ian: Is it a magic whisk?

Claudia: Yes it is.

_______

And Another:

Claudia: What are the movies from Netflix?

Me: We got Knuffle Bunny and The Tudors.

Ian : I want to watch The Tooters!

_______

Search Term that Made me Ill at Ease:

Willie Nelson Vagina Tattoo

South Florida Bulls Cornhole.

I know. I know. If there was one little apostrophe I might never stop laughing.

Yes, I know they meant this with the USF Bulls logo on it, but still.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.