As far as I can remember, Lil Wayne and I have never met and I’m fairly certain we are not related.

I’ve never even heard of Bumpy Johnson, but it sure makes me laugh.

Yes, I’m still a 12 year old boy.

But listen, if Lil Wayne was talking shit about me you guys would tell me, right?

after i get my adenoids out should i get my tounge pierced
Sure. Right after you explain to me what one has to do with the other.

benadryl for birds
Come on! They live outside.

music videos that have a death clock over peoples heads

pictures of a broken penis
Sorry about that, fellas.

My cat’s paws are stuck in glue
Sucks to be your cat.

Yo Gabba Dildo
You are thinking of Muno. (He’s tall and friendly.)

John Cusak’s dating
Nobody tell Bossy. She’ll be crushed.

Lolita farting

auspicious
Just any auspicious thing?

scarlet johannason niples
Good spelling, Spellerson.

These last three were right in a row.

Stay tuned for next week when someone searches for “Spellerson” and having recently made up this word (well, Gabe uses it all the time, but since he doesn’t have a blog I am taking credit) I will be the ONLY hit. Sweet.

Since I know you all wait breathlessly by your Google Reader to see how the perverts, weirdos and misguided searchers ended up reading about my kids and their bowel issues, here goes:

All that you need to know about mason jars

THE UNEXPLAINED
all of it?

for sore hips funny get well card
Whatever, Yoda. Just get a regular funny get well card.

poops on flower are you sure this is what you want to do?
Wha? I’m not sure of how you would even go about pooping on a flower. You’d have to either be really small, have a very large flower, or have fantastic aim.

Photo of DJ Lance Rock not in costume
I looked, I really did. I couldn’t find anything not in costume. But I did find this:

Here is a question I can actually answer:

How can people take pictures when they are drunk? I say, like this.

Such as:

beep beep beep Moonlight Sonata

butt emoticon

body acne pictures

perfect pelvis

“pooped in her” – I don’t even want to know if they meant that or not.

And with questions, like:

Who sang with Milli Vanilli at Six Flags?

pt has pneumonia should he be coughing stuff up?

Who shot Guy Smiley?

And the winner of best search term of the week goes to the freak show that searched for:

zac efron naked showing doodle and tits

Here is the new one I found yesterday:

I don’t know why I love this stuff so much, but I do. Maybe it is because I won my iPod on Blingo, or some Amazon gift certificates on Winzy.

Or maybe I just need a life.

Oh, just go sign up. Remember if you win, I win.*

Just like that.

Come on. Just do it. If for no other reason, do it because you feel sorry for me. I’ll be taking the twins to a birthday party at My Gym. Normally I would be excited, but I still have a lot of pain in my ribs.

Search Term That Freaked Me the F Out:

my pet snake isn’t eating and sleeping beside me

-

Is anyone else getting hundreds of hits a month by people searching “computers internet blog”?

_

Do you think the person looking for “coke and dayquil mix” had coca-cola in mind or cocaine? Either way it makes me jittery just thinking about it.

_

The Hell?

buttcrack recipe

big girls has a wet poopy diapers with pictures

olsen twins in duct tape and skirt

Dayquil makes you smell

drinking games vegetable thins

do cats hibernate?

___

And really, I get this one a lot, but I honestly cannot find the answer so what are the 7 signs of the apocalypse? Do you guys know?

Runner Up: I have to poop McCain.

2nd runner up: Phantom pussy

3rd runner up:can tucky fried chicken.

____

My favorite search question of the week: What kind of jeans do hipsters wear?

____

A conversation that made me scratch my head:

(Claudia and Ian had gotten in trouble for fighting and Claudia was trying to make up with her brother)

Claudia: Here Ian, I brought you a very special whisk.

Ian: Is it a magic whisk?

Claudia: Yes it is.

_______

And Another:

Claudia: What are the movies from Netflix?

Me: We got Knuffle Bunny and The Tudors.

Ian : I want to watch The Tooters!

_______

Search Term that Made me Ill at Ease:

Willie Nelson Vagina Tattoo

South Florida Bulls Cornhole.

I know. I know. If there was one little apostrophe I might never stop laughing.

Yes, I know they meant this with the USF Bulls logo on it, but still.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

My favorite search term from this weekend so far? So I said, “that is my foot”.

Speaking of hits and search terms and whatnot. I bet you are wondering who won the contest?

Ali won in a landslide. She suggested Homer Simpson Vagina Tattoo. I thought she was insane (until I found the tattoo itself – not suitable for a mixed audience), but her search term generated somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 hits and a lot of conversation around my house.

Congratulations Ali! Send me your info and I’ll send you your very own SATGS keychain bottle opener and maybe even some more random crap from my house depending on my mood.

Thanks to everyone who played along, and seriously, who is Kat von D?

For those of you that are new to the place, I am having a contest to see who could come up with the term that would generate the most traffic.

So far it is looking like Ali has the thing in the bag. She suggested Homer Simpson vagina tattoo.

You would be surprised how many people are looking for that. Some are even looking for a vagina tattoo of Bart Simpson, but if that exists, I haven’t seen it.

No one suggested this term, but since so many people (I can only assume they are NOT Green Bay fans) are looking for a picture of Brett Favre crying, I give you this:

and this:

Maybe I’ll even have another picture to add after the Dallas game tonight.

Now I feel kind of mean. Sorry Brett.

I will announce the official results early next week. There is still time to enter, but it si going to have to be good to beat Ali. She found the pulse of the internet.