September 4, 2008 | Signs of the Apocalypse

Holy sweet mother of Jebus I look like I have leg acne.

The mosquitoes are brutal this year.

Brutal I tell you! I would take a picture of how bad my legs looks but 1) I am afraid to shave because I have so many scabs and 2) I can’t find my camera.

This leads me to say something I never thought I would say. Ever.

I can’t wait until it gets cold out.

I know I will regret that the second it starts snowing and I’ll start whining about how I grew up in Florida and how thin my blood is. I will probably also complain that I don’t have any snow boots and sweaters take up way more room in the washing machine forcing me to do twice as many loads of laundry each week. (Which ought to bring my wash total to three hundred loads a week.*)

So yeah, I said it. I am looking forward to fall for one reason only. Less bugs.

Well, and obviously football. And chili. And school starting, and hockey games with Nancy, and it won’t matter if I don’t shave because I will wear long pants every day, and I we won’t have to mow the lawn as often and stew.

Wait a second. Do I like cold? Am I naturalizing into a northerner?

(I realize I was born in Ohio and hence have embraced the “Yankee” label my whole life.  And yes, I know Virginia is technically the south, but if I have to get stuck in Beltway traffic four times a week I am claiming my residence as the DC suburbs. Plus, it snows here. )

Or is this just something that happens at the end of ever summer to everybody?

* Not how many loads I actually do, but how many loads of dirty clothes the four of us make in a week.

August 24, 2008 | Signs of the Apocalypse

I have a whole category on this blog dedicated to “Signs of the Apocalypse“. I usually reserve this category for unlikely happenings or things that I can’t explain - like getting up at 5:00 AM to exercise or people following Tori Amos on tour.

(I’ve done some research on the actual Seven Signs of the Apocalypse that were alluded to in The Bible but nobody actually seems to know exactly what they are. Horsemen and pestilence? Famine? Locust?

Wait do locust count as pestilence? Whatever.)

All I am saying is if you think that strange happenings could be signs of the return of Jesus to Earth you might want to go to church because today some things happened that I can’t explain.

1) I volunteered to mow the lawn. Seriously. Gabe was going to mow the lawn and I actually asked if I could do it. Then I mowed the lawn and I didn’t hate it.

2) I heard Queensryche in the grocery store. And it wasn’t “Silent Lucidity” either. It was something off of “Operation : Mindcrime”. Remember when you could only hear Queensryche on Headbangers Ball? Nope. Queensryche at Safeway.

Either it is almost time for The Rapture or I am getting old.

August 9, 2008 | Now I've Seen Everything, Signs of the Apocalypse

I went to a bachelorette party the other night. It was sort of a last minute thing. My husband is in the wedding party and I’ve known the groom for years. The bride and I are friends but we haven’t spent a ton of time together and so I didn’t know anyone at the bachlorette party except for her.

I ended up having a great time. We went to a casino (did you know that if a casino is on a reservation you can only drink at the bar? Not at the machines or tables. That totally messes with your gambling karma when you have to stop and go elsewhere to drink. Also, playing blackjack and drinking coffee just feels wrong.) near Albuquerque for the evening.

Since I didn’t really know anyone the conversation came up of how we all knew the bride. Somebody knew her from high school, the maid of honor has been friends with her since the 4th grade and everybody else knew her from following Tori Amos on tour.

*head explodes*

That’s right. You heard me. They follow Tori Amos on tour. Like how Deadheads follow the Grateful Dead. Except 1) It is Tori Amos, 2) They aren’t dirty hippies, 3) A lot of times they fly from city to city instead of hitchhiking or going in a VW bus 4) They have jobs and 5) Sometimes they only go to one or two shows a year.

Okay, that wasn’t fair to Toriphiles or to Deadheads. I know Deadheads that are clean and have jobs. According to these fans some of the Tori Amos followers don’t have jobs and go to every show on tour.

So, besides not even being aware that this kind of thing existed I was pretty amazed that they had made such lasting friendships standing in line to meet Tori Amos.

I like Tori’s music but it would have never occurred to me to follow her from city to city.

Okay so here is what else I learned about Tori Amos at this bachelorette party:

1) She calls them “Ears With Feet”

2) She plays a different set every single night.

3) Tori Amos fans are not to be trifled with.

And you should have seen those ladies faces when I told them that I was a professional blogger. I think we were equally mortified at the other’s hobbies.

But you know what? They were totally cool and we had a great time. And there is something to be said for friends you make in an unusual way that become a big part of your life.

Honestly, did the rest of you know about this and you just weren’t telling me? Or is it more like Rosicrucians?

Okay EWF people. Don’t send me hate mail. I am not judging you, I am just shocked that this exists. I am no cooler than you are. I am completely aware that I write for like 10 blogs and go to blogging conferences. The irony is not lost on me.

August 7, 2008 | I Just Logged On My Internet, Other Bloggers, Signs of the Apocalypse

I wrote a post yesterday about how my son wants to play for the Washington Redskins. As a long time Buccaneer fan this comment spoke to me:

August 6th, 2008 at 10:01 pm, suzhasbighair Says:

i’ve been a buc fan since they wore those horrendous orange colors!

we’ll always make room for you down here sarah- and for your goon squad!

So I immediately e-mailed her back. I explained that being from Tampa myself, I too suffered through the creamsickle days.

Then she e-mailed me back and said she grew up in Tampa too and she told me where she went to high school.

My high school.

She graduated before me and since we didn’t actually overlap any years we started naming people that the other one might know.

I said Did you know Michelle [name deleted to protect the innocent]? She was my best friend’s sister.

Suz replied: michelle and i were best friends at  [jr. high] and then soph at chs…  so you were friends will jill???? CRAZY!

Crazy indeed. If she hung out with Michelle I have probably met her before. I spent a good deal of the late 80’s and early ’90’s over at Jill’s house. What are the odds? Now that makes TWO people I have met randomly through blogging/commenting that went to my high school. If you add that to running into my sorority sister at BlogHer last month it really seems like the world is shrinking.

Go say hi! Suz doesn’t like to use capital letters, but we won’t hold that against her. Especially since there is a strong possibility that she bought me beer before I was old enough to buy it for myself .

July 28, 2008 | Signs of the Apocalypse

I did something yesterday that I had never done before.

For the first time in my entire life I mowed the lawn.

(No. That is not a euphemism.)

I mowed the yard and I have a couple of things I would like to say about it. 1) It was both way easier and way harder than I expected. 2) Why did we buy a lawn mower that wasn’t self-propelled?

For those of you who have also lasted this long without ever mowing here is how I would describe it: It is a lot like shaving except you sweat more.

So now I am not sure if I should be proud that I can mow the grass or embarrassed that it took me 35 years to do it for the first time.

July 11, 2008 | BlogHer, Mom Road Trip, Signs of the Apocalypse

This morning a gentleman in a 70 foot truck dropped off a Chevy Tahoe Hybrid at my house.

(All the neighbors got excited until I told them I didn’t get to keep it.)

This afternoon a crew from CBS will be dropping by to film me (and Devra) in the car. Then (I assume) they will be putting us on television.

On a normal Friday I would be doing stuff like grocery shopping and laundry.

At this rate I can’t wait to see what happens this evening. Maybe Ed McMahon will come by with one of those huge checks.

If he does I will buy EVERYBODY drinks at BlogHer.

May 8, 2008 | Parenting, Signs of the Apocalypse

I’m trying to get into this weekday cycle where I get up at 5:00 am and use our elliptical machine.

Let me explain.

Besides the obvious - I need to get into shape, and the maybe not so apparent - we spent a lot on the damn elliptical machine and I want to get my moneys worth. You may be asking yourself why the hell am I getting up at 5:00 in the morning when I am a stay at home mom.

Why indeed.

The first reason is easy. I have tried to use the elliptical in the presence of The Goon Squad. The last time I tried that I had to get off the thing three times in the first five minutes. Two of those times were to break up fights. The other time was because Ian needed an emergency glass of water. It just isn’t worth it.

The second reason is that by the time Gabe gets home at night I really just want to sit down. I am done. Wiped out. I just want to sit on the couch and drink a beer.

The third reason involves paranoia. Sure, I could probably work out at six thirty, but if the kids are sleeping and they wake up and they call me and I can’t hear them because I am downstairs on the stupid machine and I have to watch SportsCenter really loud to hear it over the noise of my panting and weeping the elliptical and then they freak out because they think they have been abandoned I would hate myself forever and ever.

*deep breath*

Actually, Claudia probably wouldn’t even care. She would just wake up, go in the kitchen and microwave herself a frozen bagel. Ian wakes up poorly. He need comforting. It is completely genetic. When I was a baby I woke up crying every time I slept. In fact, I still feel like crying every time I wake up, but since I am a grown up I feel like it would be inappropriate.

Plus Gabe would make fun of me.

Anyway, back to the 5:00 thing.

Gabe leaves the house for work at about 5:30 every morning, so in order for me to do a 20 minute session on the elliptical (shut up. 20 minutes is a lot when you are as out of shape as I am) while someone is upstairs with the kids I have to get up at 5:00.

Here is the weird part. As must as I detest waking up early, I feel great.

Seriously. I feel really good. Plus, since I am getting up at five instead of seven I have two extra hours in the morning. As an added bonus the kids usually sleep until at least 6:30 so I also get an hour of ALONE TIME.

No joke. Yesterday morning I found a great recipe for dinner and this morning I drank two cups of coffee and read everything in my feed reader.

It was awesome.

So yeah, I get up at 5:00am on weekdays now and I am surprisingly okay with that.

And I feel good about myself for the first time in a while.

___

That picture is totally not me. As you may have guessed if I looked like that I wouldn’t be dragging my ass out of bed in the morning to lose weight. I would just wear really tight fitting clothes all of the time. And prance. I’d totally prance. A lot.

May 6, 2008 | Signs of the Apocalypse

I thought it was a sonic boom. I thought maybe a Space Shuttle was landing.

Then I remembered I don’t live in Florida anymore.

All I know it that my whole house shook for about 10 seconds.  10 seconds is only a long time if your house is vibrating.

As it turns out I’m not crazy. We had an earthquake right here in the DC suburbs.

May 7, 2007 | Pictures, Signs of the Apocalypse

I did yard work yesterday. Real yard work. I tore out some bushes. I pulled them out, cut them out and bagged them up.

And the kids helped. Sort of. If you count wearing gardening gloves and fighting among themselves as helping they helped a lot.

I’m actually sore. I guess I don’t normally use my armpit muscles.

I would show you my work, but seeing as how I took the bushes out it would just be a picture of dirt and it wouldn’t be all that interesting.

A picture of my kids fighting in gardening gloves, on the other hand. That is entertainment.