John McCain Woke Up My Kids

Let’s be honest. Really he just woke Ian up. Okay, and while we’re telling the truth he woke them up by calling my house. And right. It was actually a recording of John McCain. He wanted me to vote Republican on Tuesday. Listen here Johnny. If I wanted to re-elect a racist Senator I’d move […]

Help a Mother Out

Oh. My. Dad. (I really don’t expect anyone except Gabe to get that so just move on.) I’ve got the stupid theme song to the stupid “Higglytown Heroes” stuck in my head. Please, give me something else to sing.

Fushing Feef (and other nonsense)

Those thieving bitches over at Bitacle have now stolen my stuff too (if you are reading this on Bitacle, please stop supporting them now.) I felt bad for the bloggers that this was happening to, but I figured I wasn’t cool enough to be on their radar. Apparently I was mistaken. I am much cooler […]

Gross.

I just went out to get the newspaper and I stepped on a dead bird in my driveway. It squeaked a little bit like a cat toy, but nope – dead bird. Ew. I just thought I’d share that with you guys. There is a dead bird in my driveway. It is little and cute […]

Why I Am Tired Today (or what not to do)

Starbucks sounds like a good place to have your book club if only four people are showing up, but if one of them is me and she is too stupid to order something decaffeinated it can end with someone being awake until 1:00 in the morning.

First Day of School. Or Not.

Today is The Goon Squad’s first day of school, except they aren’t going. Ian is sick. Who misses the first day of school? I feel like such a dork. I was really looking forward to going to the grocery store by myself too. But Ian is coughing and snotty – oh yeah, and he puked […]

Son of a Bitch

All the Holy Wars can stop now. Clearly, there is no God. How do I know? Here is the story. I knew when I moved to Virginia that I probably wouldn’t be able to go to any Bucs games this year. I knew that the Tampa Bay games wouldn’t be on tv every Sunday. No […]

Oops

Ian: Wawa pets. Wawa pets. Me: Wonder Pets! Again? Ian: Wawa Pets! Me: Seriously? The Wonder Pets? Again? Are you high? Ian: High. Crap. Why do I say things like that? In my defense, we had already watched the stupid “Womder Pets!” three or four times today. He’s sick and so we can’t go anywhere, […]

Weekend Recap: A Conversation

Me: If I change the sheets, do you think it guarantees Claudia puking in our bed tonight? Gabe: Yes. Yes, I do. Me: Okay, I won’t change them. She threw up in our bed anyway.

The Most Appropriate Homonym of Them All

An Open Letter to Cox Cable Dear Sirs, I have not had any phone service since Wednesday. I have contacted you on Wednesday, Thursday (twice), Friday and Saturday. Each time I was promised a return call. I have yet to receive this phone call (on my cell mind you, I have no home phone). I […]

Sucker

Oh man. I am the world’s biggest sucker. I just paid for this garbage. Dora “Yumsters” yogurt. * The good part about the children learning to communicate better is that I can understand what they want. The bad part about the children learning to communicate better is that I can understand what they want. We […]

I’m not ignorning you.

We lost power for about 23 hours. I’m pretty sure this is what happened. The good news is: I learned what a microburst is. The bad news is that I have to go get groceries because I don’t feel safe feeding the kids anything that was in our refrigerator. (Not to suggest that I would […]