Archive for the 'The Blue One' Category
Have I mentioned that my kids used to be picky eaters? I suppose they are still fairly picky, but in order to make sure that they don’t grow up to be that one guy who only eats chicken breasts, cheese pizza, plain hamburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches on white bread* we have a rule about trying things.
The rule is that each and every night they have to try something that they don’t already eat. They have to take one bite for every year of their lives. We have just graduated to five bites of their “trying thing” each night.
That was kind of a long way to go just to set up a one second story that proves that I still have the maturity level of a twelve year old boy.
After a play date with his new best friend, Ian decided that he wanted to try kiwi.
I like kiwi, but I have never before purchased and cut up whole kiwis. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I don’t cut up fruit. I have nothing against it. I just never do it. A really good way to make sure a perfectly good melon rots is to give it to me whole. Even when I had those crazy pineapple cravings when I was pregnant I would buy whole pineapples four times a week**, but unless Gabe cut them up for me (which he did because he loves me and also probably because I was extraordinarily moody and everything either made me cry or vomit – but I was gestating two people so you have to cut me some slack) they would just rot on the counter.
I am standing in the kitchen with this little brown kiwi and I know that when I eat kiwi there is no brown present.***
So I yell “Hey Gabe! How do you do a kiwi?”
And as if he has been waiting his entire life for this opportunity he strolls into the kitchen and says:
“Well first you have to go to New Zealand…”
This man is my soul mate.
(more…)
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
9:49 pm |
As a woman, there are certain things about being a man that mystify me.
Like, wouldn’t tight jeans be really uncomfortable?
and
If you are wearing boxers does it just fall out sometimes when you are walking around?
and
If you stand up to pee what happens when you are surprised by poop?
Well lucky me. Guess which one of these questions was answered for me today?
(I’ll give you a moment to look back over your choices.)
Yes, as the proud mother of a five year old boy I found out exactly what happens when a person is taken off guard by a stealth poop while one is standing up to urinate.
For those people without children (or with all girls) what happens is a boy poops on the floor.
And his legs.
And his pants.
And his underpants.
And the bath mat.
So while the idea of peeing my name in the snow still seems kind of cool, for today I’ll just be happy that I sit down when I pee.
Just in case.
***
ps - And for those of you with all girls, this is your chance to gloat. You know the 5 year old boy wasn’t the one cleaning up the stray poo.
pps - I abstained from insterting a picture into this post. You are welcome.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
1:47 pm |
Ian (to my Mom): I have a fire type Bakugan but it was consecrated.
My Mom: You Bakugan was consecrated?
Me: You mean confiscated.
Ian: Right. Confiscated.
My Mom: That makes a lot more sense.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
9:06 am |
Last night we sat down to dinner, it was my husband, his parents, The Goon Squad and me.
Or is it myself? Or I? If I had known I would be writing for a living I would have paid more attention in English class.
Ian was in mood and he was speculating on how long it would take an asteroid to get to Earth. Then he turned to my father-in-law and said “Papa, what is the speed of light?”
And my father-in-law said, and I swear to the Gods I am not making this up or exaggerating, “The speed of light is 187,300 miles per second.”
How did he know that? (And I looked it up. He was right!)
Then Ian said, so how long would it take light to get from the moon to Earth?
THEN my father-in-law started doing math in his head. “Hmmm, well 240,000 miles divided by 187,300 miles per second…”
I stopped him right there. “Wait. You know the speed of light and the distance between the Earth and the moon off the top of your head?!?”
As I pondered if I thought my father-in-law was the most brilliant man in the universe or some sort of savant my thoughts were interrupted by my four year old’s announcement.
“I am the smartest one in this family!”
We all laughed.
“No, I really AM the smartest one in this family.”
Since I try to to bolster his confidence I said “Oh really? You are the smartest person in this family? Read what it says on Nonny’s sweatshirt”.
I can’t remember what he said, but it wasn’t even close.
Then I said “Gabe, can you read what it says on Nonny’s sweatshirt?”
And my husband really can read so he said “Outer Banks, N.C.”
He said it like that too Enn Cee.
Because my excellent mothering skills and confidence building are matched only by my maturity I said “Oh! BURN YOU, IAN!”
Then my son, who is still only four, who must have picked up on sarcasm somewhere says “Well, I’m not the “reading” smartest.”
Yes. He used air quotes.
Appropriately.
Where did he learn air quotes? Listen, I have a fairly good idea where he picked up on sarcasm and talking smack at the dinner table, but the air quotes? That is a mystery.
Now that he has mastered both air quotes and the f word in one week I can help but wonder what will be next. Evil laugh? Deviant art? Prank phone calls? Song parodies? Dirty jokes? That fart noise with his hand in his armpit?
At least he will be popular in middle school.
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
11:26 am |
My son came to me sobbing.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?”
“Claudia called me a poopy boy. And she meant to do it!”
How am I supposed to not laugh?
He was so upset. I felt like a real jerk laughing, but come on! Poopy boy is hilarious. In fact, I can’t wait for the opportunity to accuse one of you of being a poopy boy (or girl, but somehow boy is funnier).
Posted by Goon Squad Sarah @
5:22 am |
