The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fan Fiction. (Thanks Gabe.)
Warren Sapp dancing with the stars? I’m setting my TiVo right now.
I am still not over hearing Queensryche in the grocery store.
Cake Wrecks is totally worth checking out. (Stolen from Sweetney’s Linkblog)
I used to have a fish named Danzig.
Alternate Title - And Then My Children Came Down With an Overdeveloped Sense of Manners
I don’t get these kids at all.
We spent the last couple days of our vacation in that mode where Claudia was refusing to smile at any family members. This included scowling at her Great-Grandmother. It was fairly embarrassing.
At one point when I asked her to get dressed she threatened to “smash everything”. She also told me she would never hug me again, nor would she kiss me or smile at me or ask me to do anything for her.
(I told her that I was fine with that last one.)
In addition, Ian caught whatever Claudia had at the beginning of the week and he demanded butt medicine. Fortunately, I had some left over.
At some point it occurred to me that they were in such bad moods because they are only four and between me being gone for two weeks for BlogHer and then them going to the beach when we went to the wedding in Albuquerque and then this trip to Arkansas they were just completely out of their element. Kids need some sort of predictability and a schedule and we just haven’t been giving them that this summer.
During one of Claudia’s temper tantrums on Sunday the thing that finally calmed her down was me telling her that we would be home tomorrow and everything would go back to normal.
We got home this afternoon and they are different people. The girl has been completely charming. She has been dressing up in all of her princess gear and giving us fashion shows, She offered to let her brother choose the television show that they got to watch.
She thanked me for letting her brush her teeth.
But the crazy part came when we checked the mail. They got a thank you card in the mail from Mia’s birthday party.
They were beside themselves with joy.
I should explain that my children love all mail, but in this case (and I think it was because they were so happy to be home) they completely freaked out and demanded that we immediately send Mia a “You’re Welcome” note.
A you’re welcome note? From the children who have been known to sit at the table for an extra 45 minutes because they refused to utter the phrase “May I please be excused”?
I must be losing my mind.
Seriously, they ran and got paper and crayons and they took turns writing their names on the paper for Mia and then they dictated this letter:
Dear MIa,
You are welcome.
Love,
Ian and Claudia and Mom
I was going to explain that Mia calls me Sarah and not Mom, but I didn’t want to spoil the mood.
I think I am just going to chalk this up to my wonderful parenting (*snort*) but if these overzealous manners continue I might consult a doctor just to make sure that these children are actually The Goon Squad and not pod people.
Ian said “When I grow up I am going to play for the Redskins on tv. I am going to be a throwing back.”
My children have become Washington Redskins fans behind my back. When I turned on the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday night both kids started yelling “Go Redskins!” with no prompting.
I want to lay down the law and explain to them that in THIS house we root for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but I don’t want to quash their individualism.
I understand that the Redskins are now our home team. and I respect that. I want them to be able to think for themselves and make their own decisions.
And I suppose either way they will learn the agony of rooting for a losing team.
“Mommy, Ian is naked again and he is touching his butt all over your bed!”
__
* So far.
Four years ago today - right about this time of day I was getting a mag wash.
I was 34 1/2 weeks pregnant and I had been in the hospital for over five weeks.
Up until that point the doctors and nurses had been able to stop my contractions with terbutaline and Procardia. The magnesium sulfate IV is supposed to stop labor cold.
It didn’t work for me.
Four years ago today, right about now, my normally calm doctor opened my hospital room door and yelled down the hall “CANCEL MY 9:00! WE’RE GOING IN RIGHT NOW!”
And so after 37 days on hospital bed rest I ended up having an emergency c-section anyway.
They were tiny. Well, Ian weighed 6 pound 8 ounces. Claudia was tiny. She didn’t even weigh five pounds. I was scared to change her diaper. I was afraid she would break.
They spent a week in the NICU and at the beginning Ian didn’t even know how to eat. We had to feed him througha tube in his nose.
And now they look like this.
And they know how to play Super Mario Brothers and they can run and write their names and they have opinions on what they want to wear and what restaurant we should go to for their birthday dinner.
Happy Birthday Ian and Claudia. I cannot even imagine my life without you guys. I don’t even want to.
It is hard to believe you guys are four.
And Ian, that means it is time to poop in the potty. EVERY. TIME.
____________________
Four years ago today I got a blood transfusion. Some wonderful donor saved my life. Please give blood.
I was having this lovely conversation with my children about how much I loved them and how happy their father and I were that we got them as kids.
I told them how much all of their grandparents loved them and how much their Aunt and Uncle loved them.
Somehow this turned into a math lesson and we were counting how many grandparents they have and how many cousins and then we got to how many parents they have.
Claudia said “I have two parents, but do you know who my very very very best parent is?”
“Who?” I said completely prepared for the compliment.
“My Daddy!”
Hmph.
_____
Sorry that my blog has been spotty lately. I am in the middle of changing hosting. Everything should be completely back to normal in the next 24 hours.
Ian is sobbing at the top of the stairs. He is laying there in a puddle. He is inconsolable.
Why?
Because Grandma is in the shower.
Seriously. My kid is losing his mind because he woke up and his grandmother (even though she is in town and in his house) is not immediately available.
My Mom is such a rock star around here.
Yesterday I forced the kids to take a nap with me. When Claudia woke up she only said one word: “Grandma”.
Normally I can’t get the kids off of me. Today I don’t even exist. Half of me loves the freedom. Right now I am typing and nobody is on me. Nobody is whining at me. I am actually alone in the office with the door wide open. It is lovely.
The other half of me feels like a second class citizen.
Oh well. Screw it. I haven’t changed a diaper since my parents got here.
Me: What shoul d we get Brian (The Goon Squad’s Aunt’s boyfriend) for Christmas?
Claudia: Well, we should get him something that he wants that he doesn’t already have.
(I thought that was astoundingly insightful for a three year old.)
Me: I think that is a great idea. Like what?
Ian: How about pasta!
Claudia: Yeah! Pasta!
_______
Me: What should we get Daddy for Christmas?
Ian: How about a house?
Me: A house? We already have a house.
Ian: Well, maybe a toy house.
Claudia: A playhouse!
Me: You want to buy your father a playhouse for Christmas?
Both of the kids: Yes.
________
Me: What should we get Grandpa for Christmas?
Ian: SNAKES! Grandpa loves to eat snakes.*
________
Me: What should we get Papa for Christmas?
Claudia: A pig.
______
Me: What should we get Nonny for Christmas?
Claudia: A pig.
Me: You want to get Nonny and Papa pigs for Christmas?
Claudia: A pet pig for Nonny. A regular pig for Papa.
_______
Me: What do you guys think we should get Aunt K.C. for Christmas?
Both: A PIG!
_______
Me: What should we get Grandma for Christmas:
Claudia: A pig. Like the one we get for Papa.
______
* When the kids are trying to decide what to eat my Dad likes to suggest snakes for dinner. I don’t know why, but for some reason my children find this hysterical.
For as long as I live I never ever want to hear this again.
“Hey Mommy! We both pooped on the floor!”
