This year I thought I avoided that.

I came home from New York and I had plenty to write about.

Then all of the sudden I didn’t. I haven’t written here in a week and my last post was three YouTube videos.

I owe you more than that.

You know that I used to write for the now defunct DC Metro Moms Blog, right? Well, I did, and every once in a while I wrote something worth reading over there. Now that they have closed their doors they are allowing us to cross-post our work on our personal blogs. I wrote this this particular post last summer. It got picked up by several newspapers so it must be decent, right? Anyway, with back to school season upon The Goon Squad this seemed like an appropriate time to share it with you.

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The Class of 2022

My twins turned five this week. Between all of the preschool birthday celebrations and the birthday party (you know the one where I invited every child in both of their classes? Can you even imagine 32 four and five year olds in one room… after eating chocolate cake?) I didn’t have time to think much about kindergarten orientation.

Okay fine. I didn’t know about it until a week before so I didn’t have much time to obsess about it.

I came prepared the way any good blogger would. I had my camera and my iPhone. I figured I could twitter during the boring parts.

The tweeting never happened. First of all, I got stuck in the front row and second of all as soon as the principal started talking I was riveted.

She walked out and said “Welcome to the class of 2022.”

The class of 2022! Let’s pretend for just a second it doesn’t sound like something in a science fiction book. I remember thinking 1984 was futuristic. 2022.

That reminds me of a quick story. My husband and I were shopping for a couch recently and we went into a furniture store that could only be described as “mod”. The stuff in there was very cool, very uncomfortable and very overpriced. The problem is it all had the effect of Tomorrowland. You know, yesterdays idea of the future.

I said to my husband “That looks totally 2001.” The I realized that I had to clarify “Not the year, the space odyssey.”

It seemed so odd that 2001 was eight years ago. Now here I am sitting in a small plastic chair thinking about my babies graduating from high school.

In space suits.

I’ll fly to their graduation with my jet pack. Even that idea is outdated isn’t it?

I’d like to propose a toast to the class of 2022. It will be here sooner than we think.

Full disclosure: I was not at all able to refrain from laughing at that last one. I think I may have even snorted causing him to say “But Mommy, it’s true. My upper nut hurts.” which crushed me on my insides and made my outsides laugh even harder.

On a related topic, what do you call the area right above a person’s penis? I guess I should have sucked it up and taken anatomy and physiology after all.

From the rear view mirror I could see my daughter flashing me the devil horns from her car seat and I thought:

This is the life. This is freaking awesome.

I was all “Hey, you guys like Guns N’ Roses? Cool. I love this album!”

And my kids were super cool they were all “Yeah, we like rock and roll!”

They were even thrashing a little bit. This is what parenthood should be like, right? Your kids are supposed to like what you like.

For example, my son is absolutely obsessed with all things Star Wars. He probably says the words “General Grievous” at least twelve times a day on average. He keeps asking me if I like the Rebels or the Sith better, and if I say the rebels then I am lame because clearly the Empire is far superior and he would be happy to explain why in great detail.

It is a little bit freakish, but I have remind myself that at our wedding his father and I chose to walk into our reception to “The Imperial March” by John Williams, so I guess glass houses and stones and apples and trees and such.

I was feeling really good for the first time in a while. I was enjoying being a mom. I was having fun. That was when it hit me.

“It’s So Easy” has a lot of curse words in it. I mean A LOT.

Axl Rose sure says “fuckin’ ” a lot. Maybe I have overestimated my parenting skills. Perhaps I should hit skip a few times and see if I can find something more appropriate. Oh yes, “Mr. Brownstone”.  A song about heroin is much more suitable for six year olds. Skip. Skip. “Your Daddy works in porno now that mommy’s not around…” Skip. Skip. Skip. “I’ve been thinkin’ bout thinkin’ bout sex…”. Screw it, I give up. We’ll listen to “Rocket Queen” and I will just answer any uncomfortable questions about what that means when we get home. I mean, can it be any more awkward than explaining c-sections, pubic hair or why they should stop saying “sexy lady” so much? Nope. I’m good.

Then we enjoyed the rest of our ride. We rocked some more.

And when we got home I distracted them with food.

I’m either a really good mom or the master of misdirection. Did I tell you guys about the free Bon Jovi tickets?

See?

Sarah and Gabe sitting in a tree

k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

First come love,

Second comes marriage,

Then comes Mommy with the BABY CARRIAGE!

Them:

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha!

Me:

Well, yeah, that is pretty much what happened except for the tree part, and it was a double stroller, and the babies were all loud and pooped a lot.

As I walked down the hall I could hear them singing: Happy birthday to me, I’m 103, I’m still in pre-school and I am naked.

It isn’t their birthday, they are out of pre-school and it isn’t a very good rhyme but the unclothed part was true.

Both of them were sitting at the dining room table butt ass naked and eating bagels.

(Butt ass naked sounds right in my head, but looks crazy typed out like that.)

See Mommy! We’re naked!

Then they laughed like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened. I smiled at them, put the cream cheese back in the refrigerator, made some coffee and then announced it was taco day at school as if everything was normal.

Because at least they weren’t fighting or crying.

It turns out that nudity is something I can handle in the morning and you know what else? Nobody got on the bus with food on their clothes today.

I would say over all that the naked breakfast, although completely unexpected, still made more sense than “Naked Lunch.”

I do.

I remember what I was doing five years ago today too.

Happy birthday Goon Squad. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. I love you very, very much.

“Sure,” I said “Lots of people probably never drink chocolate milk.”

“You can live without ever ever drinking a single drop of chocolate milk?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Claudia said you can’t live if you don’t drink chocolate milk.”

Then a little voice came from the other room.

“I said you could not live happily without drinking chocolate milk.”

She has a good point.

Sepultura – 7 – Biotech Is Godzilla Found at abmp3 search engine

I guess Death Metal Wednesdays are really paying off!

- – -

“Hey Ian!” said the older boy. “You know how squirrels eat nuts?”

Because I think like a nine year old boy I could see where this was going a mile away.

He continued “Ahhh! Squirrels are after my nuts! They are in my pants!”

Ian laughed, but he was clueless and the older kid knew it.

“Get it? Because I have nuts in my pants!”

Ian asked “Why do you have nuts in your pants?”

“Because your nut is your penis!” neighbor boy replied.

I had a conundrum. Your nuts are not your penis and I know this. I don’t want my kids to go around with bad information or making jokes that don’t make sense. On the other hand, I don’t really want to talk about scrotums with a random 3rd grader. I am friends with his parents, but I don’t really talk to them about testicles that often so I don’t know how they would feel about me giving their children lessons about anatomy and slang.

I am not a patient woman, but I bode my time. I was a relatively mature adult and I waited until we got home and I was alone with my children.

“Listen guys,” I said “Remember when Jack said that your nut was your penis? That isn’t exactly true.”

I said penis. I had their attention.

“Your nuts are really your scrotum,”

*blank looks*

“your testicles”

*blank looks*

“the thing under your penis. You know what I am talking about?”

Claudia said yes and walked away.

Ian said “Under my penis?”

I was always under the impression that boys were obsessed with their balls, but here is my son, almost six years old and he forgot that there was something under his penis.

I said “Yeah, the thing under your penis.”

Then I actually said “Put your hand in your pants and feel under your penis.”

He figured it out. I am an excellent mother.

So far there has been no further discussion of the nuts, but I have a feeling that this is nowhere near over.

And oddly, I feel like I did the right thing.

1) “fancy getup”

Wylie Dufrense

2) Wylie Dufrense

3) “a-s-s”

He was just spelling it over and over. I have no idea why. I mean, I know why, I just don’t know why he wouldn’t stop. We also had to ask him to stop signing it.

4) Obi-Wan Kenobi

5) diarrhea

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