Archive for the 'The Pink One' Category
On Saturday I took the grumpiest child in the world to the National Book Festival.
I made the mistake of not going early so the lines were super long to meet all the PBS characters. Fortunately, Claudia was too pissy to stand still and have her picture taken with Clifford anyway.
We did get to go on the Magic School Bus. (Thanks PBS Kids!)
There was that. Then I saw the back of Neil Gaiman’s head and I heard him read approximately three words from his new book before Claudia completely lost her mind. I did not get to see Tiki Barber (or Kristen) but I did get to meet Papa Bradstein and he gave Claudia some water. So that calmed her down for about 45 seconds and then I just gave up and took her to the McDonalds in Air and Space with some friends where I got to actually talk about books while the girl ate some french fries and scowled at me.
Next year I’m either going alone or I will actually show up on time.
Posted by Sarah @
2:25 pm |
“Mommy, I can’t go to school today. My butt itches too much.”
Can you imagine the excuse letter?
Dear Preschool.
I regret to inform you that Claudia was unable to attend school on Wednesday because her butt itched too much.
Sincerely,
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
That would probably go over pretty well, don’t you think?
Posted by Sarah @
8:06 am |
Claudia just told her brother that she was an expert at basketball.
First of all, she is only like three feet tall. Second of all, she can’t dribble. Third of all, she is four years old. Fourth of all, she has no game.
Besides who dresses like this specifically to play basketball?
Either she has only mastered the art of trash talking or she is confused by the word “expert”.
Posted by Sarah @
3:44 pm |
We are on a 16 hour road trip and Claudia has a fever.
She refuses to take medicine.
Let me explain that Claudia always refuses to take medicine unlike her brother (and mother, to be honest) who will take medicine just because someone else is sick and it tastes good and/or makes you feel better. In fact yesterday when she was first ill we had this awesome fight where she refused to take some Tylenol to bring down the fever and I (being the mature lady that I am) threatened to take her to the hospital instead where they would surely give her an IV and when that didn’t work I told her if she let the fever get to high her brain could boil.
Even though she didn’t believe any of my threats her brother has been going around for about 20 hours now telling people that his sister had brain damage which is kind of a hilarious side effect.
Back to today - we are somewhere in the middle of Tennessee. I am in the car with both children and my Mother-in-Law and Father-in-Law and Claudia has a fever. She is very rosy cheeked and hot. She is sad and has a headache. We decide to stop at the first place we see (in this case a Wal-Mart. Apparently Tennessee is infested with Wal-Marts. Seriously they are omnipresent here.) and we stop to buy something that will help get rid of the headache and fever.
I seriously take her into this Super Wal-Mart and name every single flavor of every single children’s fever medication known to man. She hates them all. We finally decide on some dye-free Tylenol business that she used to take when she was a baby. It seemed that this was the closest to her favorite medicine - stool softener - which is the only medicine that Claudia will take orally.
No. The irony is not lost on me.
We get to the parking lot and Claudia is already crying even though her Grandmother is carrying her. After all three adults try unsuccessfully to get her to drink a teaspoon of medicine that tastes like candy I resort to more threats.
“If you don’t drink that by the time I count to three I am going to walk right back in that store and buy the kind of medicine that goes in your butt.”
And inexplicably she agree to this.
Twenty minutes later, after consulting with pharmacists and being led on wild goose chases by pharmacy techs I return empty handed. While it is very clear what I need it turns out that this particular Wal-Mart doesn’t carry it.
I go back to the car empty handed.* To which Claudia replies, under her breath “How unfortunate.”
MY FOUR YEAR OLD HAS A VERY STRONG GRASP OF SARCASM. She is also quite strong in vocabulary.
As I told Devra years ago (before my own children could talk this well) smartassery begets smartassery.
I have reaped what I have sown. I accidentally taught my four year old daughter to be a sarcastic bitch.
I also accidentally raised someone who would rather have something shoved up her ass than do something much more pleasant against her will.
We are so screwed when she becomes a teenager.
* Where my children were having this argument “She said she choosed the pharmacy.” “No! I said I choosed the suppository!”
Posted by Sarah @
6:46 pm |
“Mommy, Ian is naked again and he is touching his butt all over your bed!”
__
* So far.
Posted by Sarah @
8:27 am |
Claudia keeps yelling “Go Redskins!”
Now, while I think that it is great to root for the home team - you know, for other people - my daughter just wasn’t raised like that.
What I would like to know is which part of TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS did the girl not understand.
*sigh*
Oh well, at least she is talking about football.
_
(Her brother just made up for her error in judgment by asking me if it was football season yet. Now that is a boy after my own heart. I wonder how long until he asks for his own fantasy team?)
Posted by Sarah @
4:31 pm |
“Mommy!” she yells. “Look at me! I have a tail.”
Then she runs by with a pair of underpants shoved in her butt.
NOW I’ve seen everything.
Posted by Sarah @
2:16 pm |
Claudia is currently laying on her bedroom floor and crying because her brother pooped in the potty and flushed it before she had a chance to see it.
That wasn’t in ANY of the parenting books.
Posted by Sarah @
2:56 pm |
This morning we were sitting in traffic on the way to preschool.
“Look Mommy! We’re in a car parade!”
I have to say that this is a much healthier way to look at it. It really takes the stress out of a traffic jam.
I don’t think the lady wildly gesturing in the car behind us knew that it was a parade. Or maybe she was just really bad at the “queen wave” (You know, wrist, wrist, elbow, elbow).
Posted by Sarah @
1:41 pm |
1:25 PM - Standing in my own kitchen.
Hey Mommy!
Me: Hi Claudia. Why are you completely naked?
Her: Because I wanted to wear these underpants.
Me: Why? What happened to the underpants you were wearing?
Silence
Me: Did you pee in your underpants?
Her: No.
Me: Did you get food on your underpants?
Her: No.
Me: Then please go get the underpants you were wearing and put them back on.
She scowls at me.
Me: What?
Her: (whining) But those underpants were dirty. I already wore them to school this day.
Me: Fine, but today we will be having a lesson learning how to do laundry.
Posted by Sarah @
1:37 pm |
