Preteen Angst

My daughter asks me the same question every single day. “Why do you hate me?” And every single day I give her the same answer. “I don’t hate you. I love you.” To which she generally replies “No you don’t. You hate me.” and this goes on for a while. This outburst is usually prompted […]

The 4 Bs?

Setting: Claudia and I are in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher and and listening to my iPod on shuffle when “I Me Mine” by The Beatles comes on. Her: This isn’t a very good song. I don’t even like classical music.

With the Lights Out It’s Less Dangerous

Claudia has decided what she wants to be for Halloween. She is seven years old. What on earth have I created? I will take partial credit. The Goon Squad’s birth announcement featured a picture of the twins wearing Misfit’s onesies. Then there was this. Then I praised her when she wanted these. But none of […]

We All Love Rock N’ Roll

Claudia really wanted the Barbie I Can Be Rock Star Doll Set for her birthday. Thinking that was totally awesome, I ran right out and bought it. I admit, however, to having an ulterior motive. I am going to call them Cherie and Leta and make them form a band with the Joan Jett Barbie […]

A Whole Different Animal

While discussing my trip to Pittsburgh for The Winter Classic with my six year old daughter she asked if someday I would take her to see the Capitals play. Would I? The only things that would make me happier would be taking her to a Bucs game, a WNBA game or if she picked out […]

My Daughter’s Keeper

I had been feeling guilty about it for weeks. She is my daughter’s first grade teacher. So this morning I when I was at the school I went into Claudia’s classroom and I was just as honest as possible. I said to her teacher “I am sorry I ousted you as the mayor of this […]

The Unbearable Heaviness of Claudia’s Backpack

This morning as I was sending the children off to school I noticed that Claudia’s backpack was unzipped and also looking particularly puffy. “What is in your backpack?” I said as I swept in quickly so that she couldn’t stop me. I pulled out a coat, then a hoodie, then a sweater, then a sweatshirt, […]

Claudia Butchers a LeBron James Joke and Makes Me Laugh Anyway

“Hey Mom, what is the difference between Ian and Saturn?” “I don’t know. What?” “They both have really big gas, but at least Saturn has rings.” (LeBron still doesn’t think it is funny.) * * * [photo: Al Bello, Getty]

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice?

Me: Claudia, I think the bathing suit you wore this morning is getting too small for you. Her: No it isn’t. Me: Really, honey, I think it is. Look at this picture. Her: That isn’t too small! It was just crammed up the hole.

This Might Be the Answer That You Have Been Searching For

“Mommy?” he said “Can you live without ever drinking chocolate milk?” “Sure,” I said “Lots of people probably never drink chocolate milk.” “You can live without ever ever drinking a single drop of chocolate milk?” “Yes. Why?” “Claudia said you can’t live if you don’t drink chocolate milk.” Then a little voice came from the […]

You Might Want to Mention This to Your Kids

There are many things that I fully expected to have to teach my kids – and then there are others that take me by surprise, especially when I am naked. For example, I always assumed that I would have to teach them to read, I always knew that I would have to teach them not […]

Red Handed