She is seven years old.

What on earth have I created?

I will take partial credit.

The Goon Squad’s birth announcement featured a picture of the twins wearing Misfit’s onesies.

Then there was this.

Then I praised her when she wanted these.

But none of those are sexy.

Maybe if the child in the photograph wasn’t wearing all that eyeliner and lipstick.

Or if she didn’t have a red fishnet midriff.

Then again, knowing my daughter, she probably just wants the boots.

I like giving my kids choices and I am the fool that handed them a catalog and said “pick whatever you want to be for Halloween” but this isn’t what I was expecting.

I’m feeling panicky about my daughter becoming a teenager. About her liking boys. About her *deep breath* dating. I don’t know if I am read for all of that. I know she is only in second grade, but the first seven years went by so fast I know that I will blink and she will be fourteen and she will mean it. Maybe this is why parents get all weepy about back to school. Maybe it is because it is another sign that your baby is growing up and things are changing so fast.

But probably I should just shut up and be happy that she didn’t want to be the bloody nurse.

I admit, however, to having an ulterior motive.

I am going to call them Cherie and Leta and make them form a band with the Joan Jett Barbie White bought me for my birthday.

She don't give a damn about her reputation.

This is going to rule.

Would I? The only things that would make me happier would be taking her to a Bucs game, a WNBA game or if she picked out black bedding with pink skulls all over it and those three things have all already happened.

She went on to tell me how she knew all about the sport because they played at P.E. The only difference was that they didn’t have ice in their honky rink?

“Your what?” I asked.

“The honky rink.” she stated clearly.

“Hockey rink, honey. HOCKey.” I enunciated.

Because – WOW. It was bad enough that sometimes she doesn’t wear pants to school. I really don’t want her going to school and telling her teachers that her mom drove to Pennsylvania to watch a honky game. I could never show my face at a PTA meeting again.*

* Not that I ever went to a PTA meeting before.

She is my daughter’s first grade teacher.

So this morning I when I was at the school I went into Claudia’s classroom and I was just as honest as possible. I said to her teacher “I am sorry I ousted you as the mayor of this place on Foursquare.”

She raised one eyebrow at me “That was you?”

Well, crap. If she didn’t know I was that Sarah B. I should have never said anything.

“Is this going to affect on Claudia’s grades?” I asked her.

“That reminds me…” she said “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

Now how me ousting her as the mayor of our elementary school could have possibly reminded her of anything I could not imagine. But somehow it reminded her that she had been meaning to tell me that my daughter wasn’t wearing any pants at school on Wednesday.

You see, Claudia likes to wear leggings everyday. She says jeans are too tight in the knees, so she has developed her own style where every single day she wears leggings and a tunic or a shirt, tights and a skirt.

On Wednesday she just wore tights and a shirt.

I will defend myself by saying it has been an extraordinarily busy week. My boss was staying with us, we had meetings every day, there have been holiday parties, the weather changed drastically and we just got back from a long vacation. Things are hectic. So on Wednesday morning I was so focused on telling my six year old that she needed to wear long sleeves when it was sixteen degrees even if she was wearing a coat to the bus stop, I’m not sure I had it in me to go for the difference between tights and leggings argument.

I am also not sure I noticed until after she got home from school.

Nonetheless, her teacher noticed when another administrator asked her if Claudia was wearing pants.

Thankfully, my school didn’t send her home.

Or have her arrested.

I’m not sure my story has a moral, or even a resolution. I still don’t even know if it is cool to oust someone who can control which college my child attends from foursquare. What I do know is that my daughter did not wear pants to school one day this week and that she has a very good, very kind, low drama kind of teacher and for that I am grateful.

“What is in your backpack?” I said as I swept in quickly so that she couldn’t stop me.

I pulled out a coat, then a hoodie, then a sweater, then a sweatshirt, then a raincoat.

It was like a clown car of outerwear.

No wonder we can never find her sweatshirts.

The other day I commented that her backpack was really heavy. She wouldn’t allow me access, so I didn’t se all of the jackets, but she did pull out some canned goods that she forgot to give her teacher for the canned food drive.

How does one forget that they are walking around with a backpack full of soup and beans? That crap weighs a lot! My little girl is going to develop back problems before she turns seven.

“I don’t know. What?”

“They both have really big gas, but at least Saturn has rings.”

(LeBron still doesn’t think it is funny.)

* * *

[photo: Al Bello, Getty]

Her: No it isn’t.

Me: Really, honey, I think it is. Look at this picture.

Her: That isn’t too small! It was just crammed up the hole.

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.

- Cyril Connolly

“Sure,” I said “Lots of people probably never drink chocolate milk.”

“You can live without ever ever drinking a single drop of chocolate milk?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Claudia said you can’t live if you don’t drink chocolate milk.”

Then a little voice came from the other room.

“I said you could not live happily without drinking chocolate milk.”

She has a good point.

For example, I always assumed that I would have to teach them to read, I always knew that I would have to teach them not to touch the hot stove, and I thought I would have to tell them to look both ways before they crossed the street.

I never thought that I would have to tell my daughter that If I am in the shower and you have friends over it is inappropriate for you to bring Sally into the bathroom with you to ask me if you can go to IKEA with her.